Trumpists Storm Capitol At Behest Of Dear Leader

Conspiracy Theories

Today, thousands of Trump supporters gathered in Washington for what they are calling their "Save America Rally" — though it might more accurately be described as a "Death Wish Rally." Not only because are they all smushing real close together without masks, but because yesterday they were actually chanting "Victory or Death!"

Given that the odds of victory are nil, they may as well have just stood there chanting "death!"


During the rally today, Rudy Giuliani called for a "Trial by Combat" — perhaps he did not mean literal combat, and yet that is what is literally going on right now.

That's not what a trial by combat is, of course, but why expect these people to start using terms correctly now? Also, in his speech to the crowd, Giuliani expressed hope that Vice President Mike Pence would do some congressional magic and give Trump all of the votes from the five states he didn't win but thinks he did, ensuring that he would remain president for decades to come.

You know who else spoke at the rally today? Donald Trump himself! For over an hour.

Trump, too, hoped that Mike Pence would "come through" and do a thing he is definitely not legally allowed to do, or some vice president would have named himself king by now.

"Mike Pence is going to have to come through for us, and if he doesn't that will be a sad day for our country, because YOU ARE SWORN TO UPHOLD OUR CONSTITUTION."

That did not happen. In fact, right around the time Trump was saying this, Mike Pence released a letter explaining that he would not be able to decide to accept or reject electors from any state.

Too bad, so sad.

Here are some other things that happened in that very long speech, just to break it down for you.

- So much whinging about Hillary Clinton and how she is the saddest person in America because "they" didn't steal the election for her like "they" did for Joe Biden.

- Lots of "You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. And you're the Real Americans who built this country!" to his supporters.

- A weird detour about how Oprah had him on in the final week of her show, which she did not (this is a thing he lies about a lot for some reason) and how Oprah used to love him and then didn't love him when he ran for president and said a lot of racist things while doing so.

- The mainstream media won't report that he won and that Joe Biden is an illegitimate president voted into office by stupid people

- Hunter Biden!

- Twitter is censoring him and no one sees his tweets ever, which is weird because I feel like half of all of our freaking lives revolved around his tweets for the last five years.

- Various stuff he made up about how the elections were rigged in the five states he's disputing.

- His conversation with the Georgia Secretary of State? Actually good. And people LOVED IT.

- He totally won the election and people can't let it be taken away from him.


At the end of this speech, he announced his plans to lead his supporters on a march to the Capitol building.

We're going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue — I love Pennsylvania Avenue — and we're going to the Capitol, and we're going to try and give our Republicans — the weak ones because the strong ones don't need any of our help — we're to try and give — the Democrats are hopeless they're never voting for anything, not even one vote — but we're going to try and give our Republicans, the weak ones because the strong ones don't need any of our help, we're going to try to give them the kind of pride and boldness they need to take back our country.

Let's see how that worked out!







Now they're just assaulting cops, because "Blue Lives Matter, But Only When They Are Killing Unarmed Black People. Otherwise We Could Give Or Take."

Here's Trump on Twitter, whining about Pence, as this is happening.

Oh hey! And now they've got guns.



And they're shooting them.

And now conspiracy theorist/QAnon guy Jake Angeli is standing shirtless, in the middle of the senate, wearing a giant fur hat, demanding that Mike Pence come see him.


Here is a better look at his costume.


So that's just how this is going to go today. This is what happens when you tell unhinged people that they are beautiful special snowflake patriots with the right to overthrow the government if things don't go their way. Eventually, they're gonna try it.

I don't know what flavor of treason or sedition or whatnot this is legally. Does it matter?

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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