Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

This week's The Bachelorette got surprisingly geopolitical. Right before one contestant literally broke his face because sleeping is hard, the most romantic Rose Ceremony this side of a soaked Russian hotel mattress unfolded before our eyes. Electoral College Oops Baby Donald J. Trump and Dennis Rodman's real life My Buddy doll Kim Jong Un faced each other and asked, "Does this haircut make me look fat?"

There's no need to point out the truly historic nature of the USA-NK summit or remind ourselves of the disturbing fact that America's HMIC* seems to only form meaningful relationships with other HMIC. (And you just know that Putin hate-watched the summit and is SO JELLY you could spread him on toast!) There's also no need to point out to the Twitter Trumpanzees that yes, making peace is always a big deal but what about maintaining peace? It's easy to woo someone in the beginning and ask them what their interests are? Who they be with? (Dictating and No one because they're isolated from the world community for horrific human rights violations, respectively) Trying to keep that trade magic alive when you're centuries in an economic relationship? THAT's the real test of a fiscal union! Canada has never looked better and the rest of the G7 is letting Canada know they're you know, there for them (wink!).

All this sexy talk of international negotiations and historic agreements makes me wonder has anyone thought to offer Trump a better deal? Not a better deal with Kim Jong Un such as trading complete denuclearization for a cameo in Space Jam 2. And not a better deal that will keep his administration of artless grifters out of federal prison.

Has anyone offered Trump a better deal than being President of the United States?

The expired Jack-o-lantern filled with papier-macheThe Art of the Deal pages likes to remind us of his (alleged) superior deal making prowess though so far, most have likened his skills to that of a bored monkey made insane by cocaine. This is also a man who regularly, publicly shuns preparation cause information is for nerds. I say us nerds use this data kryptonite, namely what we've learned so far about Trump these past 500+ days of bummer, and come up with a better offer than leading the (at press time) most powerful nation on Earth. What we know:

  • Trump likes Fox News channel
  • Trump likes women blondes
  • Trump likes McDonald's
  • Trump likes Twitter
  • Trump hates Obama

Based on the above, the promise of a Quarter Pounder should bring Trump to the negotiation table but we hold out on the cheese so we look tough and have somewhere to go. We keep things lubricated with the promise of additional burgers delivered by women blondes and maybe we spell check some Tweets gratis to build trust. Then we hit Trump with the deal to save this century: If he walks away from the Oval by Independence Day, he gets a prime-time series on Fox News Channel that is half Face the Nation, half one of the NCISs, and all bunga-bunga party:

Coming this fall! Donald J Trump stars as Donald K Trump (see it's a totally different guy) in Untitled Hugely Tremendous Trump Project, Fox News Channel's first partially scripted series! Donald K's a totally rich real estate developer slash MMA fighter who knows business, brawling, and the words to national anthem! Watch him clean up Chicago using the karate taught to him by Jesus (TV's Chuck Norris)! Watch him force uppity football players to kneel! Look away as he beds many, many blondes who bear a striking resemblance to no one in particular! In between ass-kickings, Donald K and his special guests (Reince Priebus, Dana Loesch, Kid Rock!) discuss the issues of the day while on the hunt for the murderer of the American Dream, Barrack Hussein Obama bin Laden (played by Diamond and Silk)! Rated MA-MAGA for Making American Great Again and full frontal nudity!

You're probably destroying all the screens in your home just to be safe from Untitled Hugely Tremendous Trump Project but perhaps also thinking wait, Trump had a television show called The Apprentice. And what he really likes are the ostentatious shows of flattery and forced deference that accompany being President of the United States. For a guy who never met a gold-plated fixture he didn't like, the pageantry of the presidency would be hard to give up. So, let's sweeten the deal—Quarter Pounders (cheese if he negotiates in good faith) + Untitled Hugely Tremendous Trump Project + Mar-a-Lago is declared an independent city-state a la The Vatican.

This is the best most superb deal because:

  • Trump prefers to spend his time there rather than the fortress we're all paying for (aka The White House)
  • Trump could grant himself asylum from the Muller probe and also refuse an extradition treaty with the United States
  • Trump can film Untitled Hugely Tremendous Trump Project in Mar-a-Lago allowing the city-state to bill the production for access to locations. Hello money for infrastructure!
  • Trump can continue to travel the globe as a head of state and receive all the faux adulation his tiny hands can carry
  • Trump can pass his own Mar-a-Laws on everything from immigration to which family members you can and cannot marry
  • Trump can apply for corporate welfare and foreign aid from the United States because the Classy and Luxurious Grand Duchy of Mar-a-Lago, LLC will be both a city-state and a business for you know, tax purposes

We all "liked" Trump better when he was just some guy on TV yelling at other celebrities, not bringing the world to the brink of socioeconomic collapse. As the star of Untitled Hugely Tremendous Trump Project and as Emperor Donald I, he stays in his natural habit, television, and any MAGAstans that truly believe in his leadership are free to emigrate. For their sake, I hope Emperor Donald I treats them better than President Trump.

*Head Maniac in Charge

Now it is your OPEN THREAD.


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