Trump's Bat-Guano Fox News Interview Gonna Turn His Campaign Around. Yep, Any Second Now.

Give it up for Fox News, people!

No, not really. Those craven demons broke the country, and decent people should shun them wherever they go. But Chris Wallace did a hell of a good interview with the president, masterfully showcasing Trump's vacuous mendacity and factchecking him in real time. So, GOOD ON YA, SIR!

It started off slow, with a garbled metaphor about coronavirus being both flames and embers, but there's no problem there.

"We'll put out the flames. And we'll put out in some cases just burning embers. We also have burning embers. We have embers and we do have flames. Florida became more flame like, but it's -- it's going to be under control," the president promised, without giving any details of how that fire might get extinguished. Perhaps by raking the Everglades?

Anyway, the important thing is that the Chinese Mexicans will pay for it.

"But you take a look, why don't they talk about Mexico? Which is not helping us. And all I can say is thank God I built most of the wall, because if I didn't have the wall up we would have a much bigger problem with Mexico."

Ni hao, Señor Cocopuffs!

Here's an exchange where Wallace said correctly that America has the seventh highest coronavirus mortality rate in the world, and Trump trotted out a deceptive chart which, nonetheless, proved that our mortality rate is shite, then proceeded to strut around as if he'd won that round.

As Wallace noted in a voiceover, Fox used the Johns Hopkins University COVID tracker, which puts the US in seventh place, below Russia and Brazil. Kayleigh McEnany appeared with a chart from the European CDC that puts the US mortality rate below that of Italy and Spain, but confirms that Brazil and South Korea are kicking our asses, and omits Russia entirely. So not "number one low mortality rate," although the president spent the rest of the interview insisting his lies would be proven true, "just like I was right on the mortality rate."

Any day now, the president will be right about coronavirus magically disappearing.

TRUMP: I'll be right eventually. I will be right eventually. You know I said, "It's going to disappear." I'll say it again.

WALLACE: But does that – does that discredit you?

TRUMP: It's going to disappear and I'll be right. I don't think so.


TRUMP: I don't think so. I don't think so. You know why? Because I've been right probably more than anybody else.

Right. Or, more accurately, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

As usual, Trump insisted rising cases were simply a byproduct of widespread testing, and Wallace factchecked him in real time, pointing out that testing has only risen by 37 percent, while "cases are up 194 percent," and the positivity rate in some states has reached 20 percent, far above the five percent threshold that indicates the virus has been contained.

The president insisted that was fine, because most people don't even die, so what are they bitching about.

"Many of those cases are young people that would heal in a day. They have the sniffles and we put it down as a test. Many of them -- don't forget, I guess it's like 99.7 percent, people are going to get better and in many cases they're going to get better very quickly."

So get those kids back into school, OR ELSE!

"Young people have to go to school, and there's problems when you don't go to school, too. And there's going to be a funding problem because we're not going to fund – when they don't open their schools. We're not going to fund them. We're not going to give them money if they're not going to school. If they don't open."

To his enormous credit, Wallace pushed back on this one, saying, "Do you know where the [federal education] money goes? It goes overwhelmingly to disadvantaged kids and children with disabilities."

Spoiler Alert: Trump doesn't know, and he doesn't care. He's also wildly off the mark if he thinks parents in places with serious community spread are clamoring to put their kids back in crowded classrooms.

And speaking of wildly off the mark, look who thinks we'll have another civil war if we cancel culture the Confederate flag?

WALLACE: But in the case of the Confederate flag, there are a lot of people who say these were traitors who split from this country, fought this country in large part to preserve slavery. Is the Confederate flag offensive?

TRUMP: It depends on who you're talking about, when you're talking about.

TRUMP: When people – when people proudly have their Confederate flags, they're not talking about racism. They love their flag, it represents the south, they like the south. People right now like the south. I'd say it's freedom of, of, of many things, but it's freedom of speech.

WALLACE: So you're not offended by it?

TRUMP: Well, I'm not offended either by Black Lives Matter. That's freedom of speech. And you know, the whole thing with cancel culture, we can't cancel our whole history. We can't forget that the north and the south fought. We have to remember that, otherwise we'll end up fighting again.

In point of fact, the president was highly offended by Black Lives Matter and called it a "symbol of hate" when it got painted on the ground in front of Trump Tower. But anyway, it's not up to the military to turn bases named for Confederate generals into Fort Al Sharpton!

TRUMP: …excuse me, excuse me. I don't care what the military says. I do – I'm supposed to make the decision. Fort Bragg is a big deal. We won two World Wars, nobody even knows General Bragg. We won two World Wars. Go to that community where Fort Bragg is, in a great state, I love that state, go to the community, say how do you like the idea of renaming Fort Bragg, and then what are we going to name it? We're going to name it after the Reverend Al Sharpton? What are you going to name it, Chris, tell me what you're going to name it?

He doesn't know where Fort Bragg is, does he?

But he definitely knows "In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue." And he's not going to let the radical leftists brainwash our kids, dammit!

TRUMP: The liberal radical left, and I'm not talking all – I think liberal, I could tell you I like a lot of liberal people. I like a lot of liberal governors and senators, but, but Chris, we have a radical left destructive ideology and it's being taught in our schools.

And don't act like you're surprised to hear this – there are books written about it, and we can't let that go on. We can't let them change the true meaning of what we're all about and that's what they're trying to do and I don't want it to happen. Not on my watch. It's not going to happen on my watch.

There are books! Also polls, but the polls are fake.

TRUMP: First of all, I'm not losing, because those are fake polls. They were fake in 2016 and now they're even more fake. The polls were much worse in 2016. They interviewed 22 percent Republicans. Well, how do you do 22 percent Republican? You see what's going on. I have other polls that put me leading, and we have polls where I'm leading. I have a poll where we're leading in every swing state. And I don't believe that your -- first of all, the Fox polls, whoever does your Fox polls, they're among the worst. They got it all wrong in 2016. They've been wrong on every poll I've ever seen.

Sure, Biden is polling nine points ahead, on average. But Trump can pick out CAMEL, so there!

TRUMP: Well, I'll tell you what, let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down, Joe and I will take a test. Let him take the same test that I took.

WALLACE: Incidentally, I took the test too when I heard that you passed it.

TRUMP: Yeah, how did you do?

WALLACE: It's not – well it's not that hardest test. They have a picture and it says "what's that" and it's an elephant.

TRUMP: No no no...

TRUMP: You see, that's all misrepresentation.

WALLACE: Well, that's what it was on the web.

TRUMP: It's all misrepresentation. Because, yes, the first few questions are easy, but I'll bet you couldn't even answer the last five questions. I'll bet you couldn't, they get very hard, the last five questions.

WALLACE: Well, one of them was count back from 100 by seven.

TRUMP: Let me tell you...

WALLACE: Ninety-three ...

More than a year after taking the dementia test, that lunatic is still bragging about acing it. Do you know how hard it is to write parody in 2020 when THIS IS REAL LIFE?

In summary and in conclusion, Joe Biden is a lifelong, churchgoing Catholic who will make religion illegal, rename Fort Bragg for Al Sharpton, and defund the police and army despite "other nations that are looking to do numbers on us." Also the Supreme Court's DACA decision allows the president to unilaterally pass laws (??????), and Democratic governors are closing businesses and banning mass gatherings just to hurt Trump — "There's no reason for California to be doing what they're doing, except for November 3rd.

Plus Biden is a fraidy cat who won't even meet Chris Wallace behind the gym after third period.

"Let Biden sit through an interview like this, he'll be on the ground crying for mommy. He'll say mommy, mommy, please take me home."

Havin' a normal one!



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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