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Have you heard the name "Felix Sater" before? He is this Russian-American guy who was childhood BFFs with Trump idiot lawyer Michael Cohen, and used to be a big business associate of Donald J. Trump's, which is sad because whenever Trump is asked, President Talking Hemorrhoid is like "I don't know her."

Sater has also factored bigly into the Trump-Russia investigation, because he helped Cohen gin up the Russian-sanctions-repealing "peace plan" for Ukraine that Cohen either hand delivered to National Security Advisor (for 12 days) Michael Flynn at the White House or ripped up and threw in his fireplace, Michael Cohen cannot remember what he did with it, SAYS WHO. Sater also was involved in the failed Moscow Trump Tower deal, the one that made him and Cohen jizz on each other like "Can you believe two kids from Brooklyn are going to help Russia install an American president? OMGLOLWTF!" (Paraphrase. But not by much.)

BuzzFeed has released an investigation into Sater that's partially about his criminal past and his business dealings with Trump. The main focus, though, is something that's only been lightly alluded to in journalism about him, namely that for decades now he has been a VERY VALUABLE SOURCE to the FBI and the US intelligence community. Some of this he's done as a way of paying for all his stock market fraud crimes in the '90s, but he says he's also done it for the simple thrill of being a super spy.

Let's just say, this BuzzFeed report is WHOA IF TRUE:

He worked as an asset for the CIA and the Defense Intelligence Agency (or DIA) and tracked Osama bin Laden. Then he worked for more than a decade for the FBI, providing intel on everything from the mob to North Korea’s drive for nuclear weapons. He still operates as a source for the bureau, according to two current FBI agents.

He did some of this work to fend off prison time after he admitted guilt in a stock scam — but he had started helping the US government before then, and he continued to report back to the FBI after the agreement ended. Today, as he is being questioned about Trump's business deals and ties to Russia, he has built relationships with at least six members of special counsel Robert Mueller’s team, some going back more than 10 years.

Indeed, as BuzzFeed explains, when Sater became a cooperating source for the FBI, Andrew Weissman, who is part of Robert Mueller's team, was the US attorney who signed the deal, and Mueller was director of the FBI for much of that time. In fact, BuzzFeed says it's been REAL FUNNY when Sater has gone in for interviews with the Mueller team, because he's all "HEY I KNOW YOU! AND I KNOW YOU! AND I KNOW ALL THE REST OF YOU TOO!"

According to the opening statement Sater gave to the House Intelligence Committee (HPSCI), he has done the following things for the US government, which BuzzFeed has verified:

  • Gotten FIVE OF THE OBAMAPHONE NUMBERS of Osama bin Laden before 9/11.
  • Told American intelligence about plots to assassinate George W. Bush and Colin Powell, and also "told his handlers that two female al-Qaeda members were trying to recruit an Afghan woman working in the Senate barbershop to poison President Bush or Vice President Dick Cheney."
  • Some totally normal intel work using the Russians to help expose North Korea's nuclear program.
  • Pretended to be a money launderer in Cyprus and Istanbul in order to catch Russian and Ukrainian cyber crimers and money launderers back in 2005.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Here, according to Sater's statement, are all the things he has done for the US and A, according to Sater's statement and not according to Buzzfeed, which hasn't confirmed this part because it would take FIFTY YEARS to confirm so many things:

HOLY CRAP, what is this guy, the Russian-American Forrest Fucking Gump? He just gives America intel on al Qaeda and North Korea and also the New York mob, you know, totally normal stuff! Sater's statement to HPSCI ends with a YouTube embed of Lee Greenwood's famously bad "Proud To Be An American" song, just kidding no it doesn't, but it might as well.

Sater says he's telling BuzzFeed his secrets to clear his name, because the media has him all wrong. Yes, he's guilty of many crimes (multi-millions in stock market fraud, slicing a guy's face open with a margarita glass), but he's been trying to do better for a long time now, and look what a good little patriotic helper he is! But now he's all tangled up in this Trump-Russia business, which is making life pretty shitty:

The glare of the Trump-Russia investigation, he said, has taken its toll: His marriage of 29 years collapsed, his reputation is mud among his business friends, and he has recently been the subject of anti-Semitic messages and phone calls from neo-Nazi groups.

That's nice. Trump's Nazis really are peachy people, aren't they?

When we say this report brings up SO MANY QUESTIONS, we mean it brings up ALL THE QUESTIONS, KATIE. Like ... what all does Sater know about Trump, whether it's corrupt business dealings or full-blown conspiracy with Russia to get elected? What shit does he have on COHEN? How much has he spilled to his old pals Weissman and Mueller? How much is Donald Trump going to die in jail, based on the shit Sater has spilled?


Read the whole BuzzFeed thingie, as they say on blogs. It is fascinating.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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