We don't know why Donald Trump feels the need to come out every day and lie to America about coronavirus and tank the markets, but he does, so we guess we'll cover it again.

Today's presser was the usual, in some ways. Trump blamed people, he lied, he blamed people, he lied, and he rattled off a whole list of drugs used to treat other conditions that might maybe possibly serve to treat coronavirus at some point possibly, which was just some smoke he was blowing up America's ass like the conman he is.

Look at CBS News, taking the damn bait:

Trump said one malaria drug, chloroquine, was already approved for coronavirus treatment, and that doctors could start handing it out like candy! YAY! And then the FDA commissioner had to horn in and say actually that's not true. (BUT JARED TOLD TRUMP IT WAS TRUE, PROBABLY ALLEGEDLY! NO FAIR!)

Trump claimed reports of doctors not being able to get important things like masks were fake news, because what he's seeing on the ground is great, just great. He said if there are no masks, no ventilators, well that's just all the governors' fault, there's nothing he can possibly do to fix it.

Trump said it's a "very exciting time for medicine," that's right, OOH, EXCITING, the medical community is just out here JIZZIN' SCRUBS because they get to deal with this pandemic.

Trump bragged about the economy, or at least the economy as it was, before everybody had to go home to hide from the pandemic the Trump administration put them in danger of catching, by refusing to do jackshit about it for more than two months. He claimed the only people who weren't prepared for the pandemic (which he was always calling a pandemic, long before anybody even had heard of that word, he was calling it that) were the media, who were too busy saying fake news lies about how he is a racist.

Trump was asked if there were plans for government employees to be able to work from home or "tele-work." President Best Brain proceeded to answer a question that was not asked, about tele-medicine.

And so on. It was all bullshit, is the point.


Here, have some more videos, but please stay six feet from them lest you get infected by whatever makes the Dipshit-In-Chief's brain the way it is:

Cool story, President Failed Fucking Liar.

Chinese Virus, Chinese Food, HOW IS THAT EVEN RACIST?

Let's talk about the FUN part of the presser! Trump began the event by complimenting the reporters on their very good social distancing, but later whined that maybe he should get rid of another 75 percent of the people in the room, the ones who are #FakeNewsMean to him. But he DID like this one reporter, from the off-brand Empty Dumpster Big Lots version of Fox News, the One America News Network (OANN). Her name is Chanel Rion, and in any normal world, she wouldn't be allowed on the White House grounds.

Let's look at Rion's questions, then we'll remind you Who The Fuck.

Did you watch those? Did you see the very serious reporter ask if it's so racist to call coronavirus "Chinese virus" (it is), then is it also racist to say "Chinese food"? (He says it's not. Factcheck true!) Did you see her ask with a straight face if Trump thinks it's very uncool and unfair for the real media to be "team[ing] up with Chinese Communist Party narratives," and "consistently siding with foreign state propaganda, Islamic radicals, and Latin gangs and cartels" in covering coronavirus?

These VERY JOURNALISM QUESTIONS led Trump to whine and bitch about all the real media, from the Murdoch-owned Wall Street Journal to the Washington Post. He did not comment on the Latin Gangs directing mainstream coronavirus coverage, which we'd make fun of, but the Latin Gang who secretly bosses us said it would be too obvious if we made a point of mocking that question.

Good job, Chanel Rion. You sure did do a thing today!

Wait, Who Or What Is A 'Chanel Rion'?

Perhaps a better question would be who is Chanel Rion NOT? Well first off, "Chanel Rion" is not a porn name, so stop saying that so much right now!

According to her website, she is an "author and political illustrator," on top of her very important work of asking Donald Trump why Politico is doing NO COLLUSION! with Islamic Radicals and communists to make him, who is perfect, look bad during this coronavirus crisis.

She was home-schooled, and her dad got mad at socialism in the 1990s, so he moved the family out of America so they could suffer under socialism up close, we guess. This was her real schoolin', y'all.

When she lived in South Korea, she could see North Korea from her house!

After that, they lived among the communists of France (y'all, we are reading her biography, we are not making this up) and they ate lots of goat cheese and baguettes and it was just great, her dad loved it, even though it was also BAD and COMMUNIST and all her first-grade classmates, who never actually talked about politics, were COMMUNISTS.

Rion "has been frequently described as one of Hillary Clinton's 'worst nightmares'," according to her bio. We are not sure by whom exactly, so we'll just assume it's pretty much everybody who thinks that.

As to Rion's claim to be an author, her website claims she is the author of a popular mystery book series for girls that is totally different from the mystery books for girls that are full of "manophobia, hatred, gender-confusion and blame." Wonkette investigated these books, and ... well, couldn't find them, outside her website, which is also from what we can tell the only place you'll find her clearly badass political cartoons.

If you Google her book series — allegedly called "Mystery By Design" — you'll get Wonkette links and Media Matters links about WHO THE FUCK IS CHANEL RION, but no hot opportunities to purchase said books.

But her website says they are totally real, that they "contain over 1,000 word vocabulary enhancing helps" for girls, and that they are taught in China and South Korea, to girls.

As of 2018, Rion was the fiancee of a now-failed Missouri GOP Senate candidate named Courtland Sykes, whose claim to fame was that he believes in a lady's right to make him dinner. Based on our research (two seconds of Googling) we are unable to tell if they are still boning, or if they are married now, or if Rion has to be home real soon to make him dinner.

Rion is a Seth-Rich conspiracy theorist, because of course, and a "Spirit Cooking" conspiracy theorist, and of course (OF COURSE) she has conducted "depositions" with very serious corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor friends of Rudy Giuliani's, in order to "prove" that something something Biden Ukraine something something. But more importantly for coronavirus purposes, on March 14 and 15, OANN ran a documentary-style shitpiece featuring Rion, which, according to Media Matters, "suggested that the novel coronavirus responsible for the current pandemic may have originated in a North Carolina laboratory."

OH NO, IT GETS BETTER.

Because Rion's "source" (OANN has the best "sources") is a conspiracy theorist named Greg Rubini, who has proffered the allegation that maybe Dr. Anthony Fauci — who runs the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, is one of the world's leading infectious disease specialists, and is an integral part of Trump's coronavirus team — is actually a Deep State who funded the creation of coronavirus in that North Carolina lab, after which it was sent to China and Italy so that it could boomerang back to America and frame Trump and make him look stupid so he won't get re-elected.

Don't worry, though, because Media Matters assures us Rion was Just Asking Questions, and that she finally settled on a different conspiracy theory that still involves North Carolina but is way more sane, just kidding no it isn't.

[S]he concluded by implying that Chinese scientists, after purportedly helping to create the virus in North Carolina in 2015, then released it from a laboratory in Wuhan near the end of 2019.

Awesome.

Wait, Where WAS Dr. Fauci Today?

We don't know. Fauci, the single most credible person on Trump's coronavirus team, has been absent from the last couple pressers. Maybe he is just checking on his corona-labs in North Carolina, HAHA JOKE. Maybe he's busy doing actual work combating coronavirus. Or maybe he's sick of having to openly correct Trump in these briefings, where Trump lies a lot.

Anyway, people have been wondering.

Our guess is that Fauci is real bad at kissing Dear Leader's ring while also telling the truth to the American people, and either he, Trump or both have decided it's best for him not to appear in the pressers. Dr. Deborah Birx, you may have noticed, is WAY better at it. She's got this whole way of saying, "Due to the DREAMY LEADERSHIP of Donald Trump, we have been able to accomplish this thing, and now that I have distracted him by saying that, what I need you to understand is TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH."

Or maybe our theory is wrong, just like maybe we're wrong about what an awesome journalist Chanel Rion is, hahahaha, you bet, the end.

[Media Matters]

Check out Yr Wonkette's best features on the pandemic, like Where Do Little Vaccines Come From?

Remember:

And to keep yourself healthy, get your information from the CDC and the WHO, and don't let any con men sell you miracle cures.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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