Trump's Executive Time Golfing Ketchup Omelet National Emergency Holiday Whack-Off Weekend Was Pretty Chill
Aren't vacations nice? You turn off the computer and the Obamaphone, you get rest and relaxation, and if you are the president of the United States and you just declared a national emergency you openly admit you didn't need to declare, you go south to your Florida shithole castle, where everything is gold-plated and HAMBERDERS! It is a Good Thing, for a failed president who's accomplished nothing, and who is now trying to usurp Congress's power of the purse and steal money from the military in order to build WALL that literally nobody who matters thinks we need.
So yeah, fucker's been at Mar-a-Lago all weekend. Of COURSE he has.
While there, he's had omelet with ketchup:
just in — a source at the Trump International Golf Club in Palm Beach just texted me this photo taken a short time… https://t.co/ERNcxhfo3u— J.D. Durkin (@J.D. Durkin)1550327735.0
YUM YUM, PRESIDENT WETSHITS!
As for the rest of Trump's holiday weekend, he golfed, and he tweeted. Oh God, he tweeted. He bitched and moaned and complained and whined and kvetched and caterwauled and, you know, just generally acted like the very weak and pathetic person he is.
He kicked off his vacay weekend Friday, as we already know, by tweeting a very weird video of Democrats giving him stink-eye during his poorly delivered State of the Union address, with the REM song "Everybody Hurts" providing the soundtrack. As we predicted, the band was pissed off, the tweet has been removed, and on Saturday Trump retweeted the video BUT THIS TIME the soundtrack is that fucking shitty Lee Greenwood song for stupid people whose patriotism consists of crying while listening to that one fucking shitty song AND NOTHING MORE, which makes even less sense than "Everybody Hurts" did:
https://t.co/nJORBjwint— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550346018.0
Saturday afternoon, Trump built WALL:
BUILDING THE WALL!— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550362204.0
After Trump's productive Day Of Accomplishments (he didn't actually build WALL, and nobody else did either, but he did retweet some idiots), he settled in for some TV time. But UH OH, mean overrated Alec Baldwin was on the "Saturday Night Live" making fun of Trump's VERY BIGLY national emergency declaration, the one where he dementia-splained why we don't actually need a national emergency!
Trump Press Conference Cold Open - SNL www.youtube.com
If you're thinking, "Oh shit, Donald Trump is a fucking snowflake whiny ass titty baby, surely his thin skin can't handle that, especially not on the weekend of a national golfing ketchup shits emergency," YOU ARE RIGHT.
So the next morning, after tweeting some bullshit fake poll numbers that show him with an approval rating over 50 (never gonna happen, pal), he tweeted this:
Nothing funny about tired Saturday Night Live on Fake News NBC! Question is, how do the Networks get away with thes… https://t.co/xwSLxmNPpk— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550407958.0
NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" AND ALEC BALDWIN ARE THE COLLUSION!
Four minutes later:
THE RIGGED AND CORRUPT MEDIA IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550408169.0
Aside from how fucking sad it is that the man who currently sits in the chair usually reserved for the leader of the free world is such a milquetoast candyass chickenshit fucking baby, we must note that he is literally saying that the "Republican hit jobs" done by comedy TV shows deserve "retribution" and that it should be "looked into." The man literally wants to be a dictator. We can't emphasize it enough.
Do we think anything is really going to happen to "Saturday Night Live"? Hopefully not, but that's only because Trump's low self esteem and authoritarian tendencies are outmatched only by his stupidity and incompetence. That's literally the only real guard rail we have. (By the way, Trump's constant attacks on free speech and suggestions that the freedom of the press should be curtailed are an impeachable offense. We are just saying, CONGRESS.)
SNL also made fun of Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi this weekend. Weirdly, Schumer didn't have a temper tantrum and shit his pants about it, guess because he's not a real man like Trump. Schumer even poked fun at himself.
Good impersonation, @NBCSNL. But got one thing wrong. I use a flip phone! https://t.co/R7bmYqfNKk https://t.co/RPbwegbdCK— Chuck Schumer (@Chuck Schumer)1550423251.0
But back to Trump's vacation whines!
He spent the rest of Sunday, as far as we can tell, watching Fox News and seemingly getting VERY SCARED. It's almost like he knows something is coming. Oh, and he's super mad and obviously feels totally helpless on how to fight back against Andrew McCabe's media tour:
“These guys, the investigators, ought to be in jail. What they have done, working with the Obama intelligence agenc… https://t.co/d7eLvv9yax— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550439153.0
LOL, the "Obama intelligence agencies"? No, Fuckface, that is not how it works. But then again, the only intel agencies Trump trusts are Russian, so ...
The Mueller investigation is totally conflicted, illegal and rigged! Should never have been allowed to begin, excep… https://t.co/5520iD07dr— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550447113.0
He retweeted his Valentine's Day tweets about McCabe, because they were so great the first time:
And that was Sunday! And now it is Monday! And Trump spent the morning at his tasteless trash palace tweeting! Being the worst president in American history is HARD, you guys.
He excitedly tweeted again about Richard Burr, the GOP chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, who is full of vinegar-y North Carolina shit, saying they haven't found "direct" evidence of a Trump-Russia conspiracy (like there's gonna be some secret video of Trump and Putin in a hot tub saying "I want to conspiracy with you so hard!").
He whined some more about Andrew McCabe:
Wow, so many lies by now disgraced acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe. He was fired for lying, and now his story get… https://t.co/7YgfLI8d9b— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550492127.0
And ... he just kept watching Fox News.
“This was an illegal coup attempt on the President of the United States.” Dan Bongino on @foxandfriends True!— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump)1550496565.0
We assume at some point he took a big ketchup-y omelet shit, and that it plopped out while he was composing at least one of those tweets.
Sadly, Trump's vacation is just about over. Alas, he must go back to Washington, and back to his grind of two-hour workdays and lying around like a fucking slob the rest of the time.
OK maybe he will work THREE hours a day this week. It's a national emergency, after all!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to keep the lights on, please. We appreciate you, most of the time.