Trump's Favorite Faith Healing School Fails To Faith Heal Itself Of COVID-19
In Redding, California, there is a school called the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. Is it a school where they learn to minister to ghosts? It is not. Is it like ... Hogwarts? Kind of! It is kind of like Hogwarts. Except that instead of learning about witchcraft and wizardry, they learn about faith healing and scam artistry.
There is really only one hard and fast rule when it comes to having an entire school dedicated to doing faith healing, and that is that no one can ever get sick, or else the jig is up. Or at least it should be.
If it is, we'll find out soon, because the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry has had 137 cases of COVID-19 in the last month and currently has 68 cases.
You may recall hearing about this school in the early days of the pandemic, when students from the school kept going to hospitals to lay hands on people in order to heal them, which sounded like a really terrible idea. You may also recall them from stories about how the students do a thing called "grave sucking" or "grave soaking," wherein they lie atop the graves of dead revivalists hoping that some of their spiritual juice seeps into them or something. Or from the time Donald Trump invited the head of the school to anoint all the doorways in the White House to keep demons out. Oh, and they're always trying to raise the dead, because that is a thing they actually think they can do. They have an actual "Dead Raising Team."
The school is blaming the transmission on outside activities.
Press release, via Joe My God:
Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM) currently has 68 active positive cases of COVID-19 among BSSM students who have been instructed to isolate in their homes. All students and staff who have been in close contact with these individuals have been instructed to quarantine in their homes as well. As of October 6, 2020, the total number of positive cases among BSSM students and staff is 137 since school started in early September 2020.
In our contact tracing system within BSSM, we have seen that a primary source of transmission has occurred in off-campus living situations and social interactions outside of school hours that are common to student life. Unlike a university setting with dorms and campus rules being monitored after school hours, BSSM students find housing in the community which they often share with other students.
But even if that were true, it still wouldn't count. They're attending the school, aren't they? Shouldn't their teachers be able to cure them just by pressing a hand to their head?
The school says they have been very careful, because of how they care about the health of their students, reports the Redding Record Searchlight.
"Our school culture values community," Kris Vallotton, director of the School of Supernatural Ministry, said in a statement. "In this unprecedented year, our strength in building community presents challenges and a temporary need for change. We deeply care about the health of our students, and have strongly communicated to them the importance of protecting our local community in Shasta County by wearing masks, social distancing and staying home when sick."
Huh! That may be true, but it also seems like if you tell kids they have magic healing powers, they're probably not going to take a contagious virus all that seriously. They're probably just thinking "Oh, no big if we get sick, because we can just all heal each other and everyone will be fine! If someone dies, we'll also be fine cause we can just raise them from the dead!"
The way I figure it, if you say you are a school of faith healing and you charge students $4,000 a year to teach them how to do faith healing and also how to resurrect the dead, you don't get to have sick students. You have to heal them with your special Jesus magic or no one is going to believe a word you have to say ever again.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse