Hi there, Wonketariat! Boy howdy, do we have some dick jokes to make today! Here are only SOME of the stories we might be talking about later!

• You guys remember how much you hate Rudy Giuliani for being a despicable, bomb-throwing cave weasel who can't stop reminding everyone about that time he showed up for work during one of the worst American tragedies? Funny story! Giuliani took money for speeches to, and lobbied on behalf of, the MEK, a SOCIALIST IRANIAN group that was designated as a terrorist organization by the State Department (and seeing as how Obama's a secret Muslim socialist, they would know).
• BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Giuliani's own firm took money from foreign governments to lobby for other unsavory folks, like Qatar and the developers of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. His firm also lobbied to relax punishments for employees guilty of theft at pharmaceutical companies that produce OxyContin (yay, black market heroin!), and for Russian oil and steel oligarchs seeking to ease tariffs. Oh, and he also wants to be Secretary of State.
• Remember General Michael Flynn, the disgraced Russophile general with a huge boner for Putin who's been whispering in Trump's ear? Well, Flynn's been lobbying on behalf of Turkey, making him ANOTHER lobbyist in Trump's inner circle, violating Trump's boy-scout pledge to ban lobbyists.
• In what has to be the first brilliant and logical thing he's done or said in over a year, Ben Carson has turned down a role in Trump's administration because he "feels he has no government experience, he's never run a federal agency. The last thing he would want to do was take a position that could cripple the presidency." That's a real quote from a spokesman for a former presidential candidate.
• Donald Trump lied and ditched his press pool last night to eat a steak at some fancy pants restaurant in New York (which has surprisingly shitty reviews on the Interwebz). Sure, he had his Secret Service motorcade, but it breaks with a tradition of constant press availability by all modern presidents. If Big News happened while he was out, oops, sorry, no press coverage. At this time we should note we're only in the second week.
• Trump will meet with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, and likely embarrass the entire country when he mispronounces Abe's name after spending a year and a half insulting our Asian allies (Hint: It's two syllables). Hopefully he won't be the second Republican to vomit all over a foreign head of state.
• According to the ex-wife of Dead Breitbart's Steve Bannon, court records show that during a custody battle (NOT RACIST) Bannon didn't want his kids going to school with Jews because Jewish parents produce "whiny brats," and because Hanukkah doesn't accompany any good Christian holidays.
• European and NATO leaders are warning Trump not to trust Putin because of his tendency to illegally invade and annex the territory of other countries, such as U.S. allies.
• WALNUTZ is gettin' all mavericky again! Senator John McCain thinks a cozy relationship with Russia is "unacceptable" because of the fact that Putin is a murderous despot. Maverick's in the Danger Zone!
• An adorable video of Trump's granddaughter reciting a Chinese poem in Mandarin (AKA: Not American) is blowing up on Chinese social media because it's a cute rich kid talking about hard work. You know, the kind of hard work that goes into making overpriced jewelry in China and Vietnam bearing the name "Ivanka Trump."
• Three NBA teams will not stay at Trump-branded hotels in New York and Chicago because they think Donald Trump is bad for their sportsballing business. At least eight other teams will follow suit at the conclusion of their contracts. Nobody wants Trump Cooties.
• Several more buildings in New York are ripping off Trump's name from their facades in an attempt to rebrand themselves into something that doesn't necessarily grab people the wrong way.
• Twitter is suspending a bunch of accounts associated with the alt-right movement while they crack down on hate speech throughout the network. Cue the barrage of assbackwards butthurt!
• GOOD NEWS, dudes and dudettes! Denver, Colorado's Proposition 300 passed, allowing you to vaporize weed in bars (as long as the neighbors are cool). Party on!
• And here's your Morning Nice Time: a baby dik dik! Did Yr Wonkette seriously look for another way to slip in a dick joke? MAYBE! But seriously, aren't these mini-deer super cute?