What did Donald Trump say to Piers Morgan in their "Good Morning Britain" interview that an actual crazy person hasn't said to a lamp? We don't know, but the interview was only 33 minutes long, so we bet he missed some things.

Regardless, Trump said ... stuff! And Piers Morgan gave him a hat! And a good time was had by ... someone, we imagine!

First of all, Trump clarified that he didn't mean to call Meghan Markle "nasty," but only that he didn't know she had said such a nasty thing about him, and before you knew it all the FAKE NEWS CNN LIARS were out there saying he called her a "nasty woman" like a common Hillary, when he was only commenting on her nasty comment. He added that it's fine for Markle to say something nasty about him, like JOIN THE CLUB, RIGHT? but he probably shouldn't say nasty things about her, we are guessing because he's worried Queen Elizabeth will spank him.

Let's move on to word salad about climate change, because the president of the United States needs you to know that both sides do climate change. Like sometimes the weather is one way, and then all of sudden it's like SIMON SAYS CLIMATE CHANGE IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! This was part of a discussion about Trump's meeting with Prince Charles, who does not believe climate changes both ways, but who was warned before his last meeting with Trump, in 2017, not to say any climate words that might make Trump angry, because you wouldn't like Trump when he's climatically angry:

MORGAN: Do you believe in climate change?

TRUMP: I believe there's a change in weather, and I think it changes both ways. Don't forget, it used to be called global warming, that wasn't working, then it was called climate change, now it's actually called extreme weather.

Sometimes it gets cold, sometimes it gets hot, and that is why all the scientists stopped using the term "climate change" and switched to "extreme weather," says Trump. As an example of climate change going both ways, Trump says there might be a lot of tornadoes right now, but who can forget the "tornado binge" we had 40 years ago? INDEED, WHO CAN FORGET?

Trump also said he told Prince Charles that America has the cleanest climate of all, which is a good thing, because he wants the air and water to be "crystal clean." (It's not true.)

Let's talk about why Trump banned transgender folks from the military, even though he doesn't hate trans folks at all, allegedly! It's just that they take SO MANY DRUGS. Know what drugs are? Too 'spensive. Know what else?

TRUMP: You're not allowed to take any drugs in the military. You take an aspirin.

Morgan pointed out that the military spends way more on Viagra (which is DRUGS) than it ever spent on trans treatments or surgeries, to which Trump replied ...

TRUMP: I didn't know they did that.

Cue Trump banning Viagra in the military in 5, 4, 3, 2, JUST KIDDIN', TROOPS, BONER PARTIES WILL CONTINUE!

Trump also seemed to claim trans people only join the military for "the operation," despite how not all trans people even have "the operation." He added that he bets some of those trans folks would be just great at Army, but you know, aw shucks, the rules he just made up are the rules! What about trans people who have already transitioned, who are also now banned under Trump's fuckheaded new rules? They didn't talk about that.

Let's talk about John McCain! Trump wanted Piers Morgan to know that he does not attack John McCain, it's just that people keep asking him about John McCain, which forces him to attack John McCain. But since you mentioned it, Piers!

TRUMP: I don't think about him. I was not a fan. [proceeds to attack John McCain]

Trump then said that whole thing with John McCain The Boat that made him sad might not have even happened. Who even knows!

Wanna talk about gun violence? Donald Trump did not want to talk about gun violence. He wanted to talk about how the UK is knife crime island:

TRUMP: But Piers, in London you have stabbings all over, I read an article where everyone's being staabbbbed!

He read an article.

TRUMP: They said your hospital is a sea of blood all over the floors!

It's much more efficient the way we do it in the US, we guess, because so few of the victims tend to make it all the way to the hospital.

Anyway, Trump spouted a bunch of well-worn disproven horseshit about good guys with guns preventing massacres, citing the Paris Bataclan massacre, which happened in a dark theater, as the president is an idiot who thinks more guns in that situation would have created less carnage, instead of more. Also, he said you can't take semi-automatic guns from people, because Americans use those for "entertainment."

Oh yeah, and Trump said some REALLY dumb shit about why he didn't serve in Vietnam.


Here's the transcript, via Kaitlan Collins:

Why didn't Trump serve in Vietnam? WELL. He didn't like that war and nobody had ever heard of Vietnam, plus it wasn't cool like fighting Hitler. He "would not have minded" serving in another war, but said, "I think I make up for that right right now" because HE gave the military 700 billion dollars last year and 716 billion this year, HE GAVE THEM IT, as opposed to Congress appropriating military funding, which is how that actually works. And that is why it is OK that he bone spurred right outta Vietnam!

Later, when talking about Winston Churchill, Trump said that when Churchill was serving, Hitler was "going through countries like cheese." That phrase means something in the president's Swiss cheese brain, we bet.

Oh yeah, and he got a fucking Winston Churchill hat.

In summary and in conclusion, we have no fucking idea.


[videos via "Good Morning Britain" on Twitter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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