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Donald Trump would set fire to the last glacier on earth if it meant he could win Pennsylvania again in 2020. He spent the entire day yesterday in the swing state getting high on the fumes of burning hydrocarbons and his own flaming ego. And you, the lucky American taxpayer, paid for the matches! Because the White House isn't even pretending to segregate the people's business from campaign events, as every president since Reagan has done. They just book him at a Shell plant in Monaco, Pennsylvania, stick a regular MAGA rally speech on the Teleprompter, and call it Remarks on American Energy and Manufacturing.

Ooops, make that Monaca, Pennsylvania. Thanks, crackerjack professionals in the White House Press Office!



And it's all hilarious. Really, you have to laugh at a grown adult who spouts this insane arglebargle:

I love cranes. I love trucks of all types. Even when I was a little boy at four years old, my mother would say, "You love trucks." I do. I always loved trucks. I still do. Nothing changes. Sometimes, you know, you might become President but nothing changes. I still love trucks, especially when I look at the largest crane in the world. That's very cool. Do you think I'll get to operate it?

But also, it's not funny at all. Because we're governed by a madman who's building a bonfire of hydrocarbons and tossing on every norm and campaign finance law while his Republicans just applaud. This is a fucking crisis!

Anyway, we transcribed his speech for you. Here you go:

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Oh, fine. Not really. Here's Five of the Batshittiest Things President Liemouth Said Yesterday At His Official Taxpayer-Funded Campaign Rally. With thanks to CNN's Daniel Dale, who should never pay for a drink again as long as he lives.

1. Donald Trump Swears He Always Used Union Labor to Build His Buildings in New York

OH, YES HE DID. Donald Trump, who admitted on the campaign trail in 2015 that he'd prefer to use non-union workers -- "If I had my choice, I think I'd take it without" -- is the true friend of union labor.

And I love the unions and I love the workers. And, you know, when I built buildings in New York, I built them exclusively with unions. People don't understand that. I was exclusive.

Well, except for that time when he paid a $1.4 million legal settlement because he'd employed undocumented Polish workers at the princely rate of $4 per hour to spend 12 hours a day doing the demo for Trump Tower in Manhattan. But, you know, UNION STRONG!

But not union leaders, whom Trump advised his audience they need to pitch out immediately if they don't support Trump.

I'm going to speak to some of your union leaders to say, "I hope you're going to support Trump." Okay? And if they don't, vote them the hell out of office because they're not doing their job. It's true. It's true. Vote them out of office.

Very legal, and very cool.

2. Did You Want Your Kids to Be Able to Breathe Air on Planet Earth? Too Bad!

So many ways to despoil the earth! Can Donald Trump name them all? No, because he's a blithering idiot. But he can try!

There's fracking, so that Pennsylvanians can know the joys of contaminated drinking water -- is it from the chemicals injected under pressure into the earth, or from the wastewater companies are just dumping now that Trump did away with all those pesky regulations? Who cares, because soon Shell will be pulling that "clean" natural gas out of the ground, "fracked from Pennsylvania wells, which they never would have allowed you to take if I weren't President."

And oil pipelines:

Keystone XL. They did it with the pipelines. Dakota Access Pipeline. We're building pipelines. And if we get the pipelines approved, then you better work. The EPA is working right now to get them approved in Texas. And if we can do — we can increase our — we can increase. We're now the largest in the world in energy, by far. But if we get those approved, Andrew — I hope Andrew is listening — EPA. Andrew, you know what I'm saying, right? If we get them approved in Texas fast — they said it will take 18 years. I said, "Could you do it in about a month?" Right?

Are you listening former coal lobbyist and current EPA head Andrew Wheeler? Are you?

We're drilling in ANWR, withdrawing from the Paris Climate Accord, and by hook or by crook we'll pull that last vein of coal out of the ground and thank Donald Trump for it. Did you know that this very Shell plant which was green-lighted in 2016 was entirely due to Donald Trump's manly negotiating skills?

Anyway, thank God we're not doing that Green New Deal thing those evil Democrats want, huh?

And, by the way, this is only fuel that has the power for plants. When you have to steam up and you have to fuel up on these giant plants, these giant generators, these giant electrical factories, you need what you're doing. You need this. It's got the power. The other doesn't have the power; certainly not yet. Probably never will.
And we're not taking chances. And we have the cleanest air and water we've ever had in our country right now. The cleanest we've ever had. And we're going to keep it that way.

DRINK.

3. Donald Trump Loves Manufacturing, But Only the Manly Kind, Not That Sissy Computer Shit

We need to stop importing everything from China and Buy American. Thank White Jesus for Donald Trump, who's standing up to those wily Chinese! Also, what kind of limp-wristed pantywaist assembles electronics?

The last administration tried to shut down Pennsylvania coal and Pennsylvania fracking. If they got in, your fracking is gone, your coal is gone, you guys — I don't know what the hell you're going to do. You don't want to make widgets, right? You don't want to make — do you want to learn how to make a computer? A little tiny piece of stuff you put in with those big, beautiful hands of yours. They're going to take these big hands — he's going to take this little tiny part. He's going to go home, "Alice, this is a tough job." No, you want to make steel and you want to dig coal, and that's what you want to do.

The oceans may turn into a boiling, acid dead zone where no fish can live, but at least Alice's big-handed man will be able to avoid the boner-crushing ignominy of a job that doesn't cause black lung.

4. Spin the Wheel, See Which Country We're Lying About Today: JAPAN, COME ON DOWN!

How will we slander our fourth-largest trading partner this time? Did he make fun of Shinzo Abe's accent again? Dear Lord, we hope not! If so, the White House transcript doesn't mention it, and we don't get paid enough to watch the entire video.

Many car plants — they're coming in from Japan. I told Prime Minister Abe — great guy. I said, "Listen, we have a massive deficit with Japan." They send thousands and thousands — millions — of cars. We send them wheat. Wheat. That's not a good deal. And they don't even want our wheat. They do it because they want us to at least feel that we're okay. You know, they do it to make us feel good.

Ummmm.

Japanese car companies already build more cars in North America than Detroit's Big Three, but the only new Japanese car plant will be Toyota's new non-union facility in Alabama. But more to the point, what the hell is he talking about with the pity wheat? Trump's own Trade Representative says the Japanese bought $75 billion in goods and another $45 billion in services from us last year alone. Of which $698 million dollars -- roughly half a percent -- was spent on wheat.

No doubt those wheat farmers in North Dakota appreciate knowing that the Japanese are just taking it off their hands "to make us feel good" though! Or maybe they are "whining." Who can say?

5. The Problem Is, Trump Hasn't Slandered Democrats ENOUGH!

You can read House Administration Chair Zoe Lofgren's letter to White House Counsel Pat Cipollone demanding to know just how much the taxpayers are forking over for these MAGA rallies masquerading as presidential business. Her committee is responsible for overseeing election security and compliance, but strangely enough Ranking Member Rodney Davis didn't sign on.

Because Republicans are totally fine with this.

I don't want to do it too early. I did it very early, with Pocahontas; I should have probably waited. She's staging a comeback on Sleepy Joe. I don't know who's going to win, but we'll have to hit Pocahontas very hard again if she does win. But she's staging a little bit of a comeback.

What a group: Pocahontas and Sleepy Joe. I don't think they give a damn about Western Pennsylvania, do you?

Shit, That's Depressing! How About a Bonus Round?

For you, Wonkers, anything!

And when the wind stops blowing, it doesn't make any difference, does it? Unlike those big windmills that destroy everybody's property values, kill all the birds. Someday, the environmentalists are going to tell us what's going on with that. And then, all of a sudden, it stops; the wind and the televisions go off. And your wives and husbands say, "Darling, I want to watch Donald Trump on television tonight, but the wind stopped blowing and I can't watch. There's no electricity in the house, darling." No, we love natural gas and we love a lot of other things, too.

Rest assured, with President Trump in the White House, Alice and her coal miner husband won't have to rely on gross, bird-killing, cancer-causing windmills to power their teevee. They'll inhale the clean, fresh smell of mercury and sulfur dioxide as they drift happily off to sleep, lulled by the sound of the tornado outside and their daughter's nebulizer in the next room.

Thank you, Donald Trump!

[Time / Transcript]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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