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Happy Friday, Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today and this weekend!


People in Puerto Rico are wondering WHERE THE FUCK IS HELP? Seriously, "We didn't see this coming," is a bullshit excuse. "It takes time," is garbage. This was less than a week after Irma, and two weeks after Harvey -- there's no reason for letting American citizens die. Get your shit together.

According to some LEAKERS, Trump's White House is keeping lawmakers from scoping out recovery efforts in Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands. After all, pics or it didn't happen.

During a private meeting with the Senate Intel Committee, Twitter admitted to finding "hundreds" of Trump-Russian spam accounts, and now lawmakers are calling Twitter a bunch of lazy, hoodie-clad slackers who need to go do their homework.

Just when you thought it was safe to get sick, zombie TrumpCare is oozing into the veins of America as regional reps from HHS are telling states that they won't participate in open enrollment events.

K street is going into overdrive in an effort to save themselves from the Trump Tax; it's kind of weird, but we'll take whatever help we can get!

The Senate Intel Committee is super pissed that Prince Kushner forgot to mention his personal email account when he sat down for some Trump-Russia talky time. WHOOPS!

Trump's White House is investigating itself to find all the private emails used for government work after realizing they don't even know what they have to cram into the official record. LOCK THEM UP!

Tom Price owes taxpayers over a million Ameros now that MORE trips have come to light -- he even used MILITARY aircraft to fly to Not America. It really makes you wonder if he's going to be able to scam his way out of this one.

Scumbag and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke has been taking fancy planes too, except the planes he was using to skip across fly-over country were owned by oil-and-gas bigwigs AND the US military.

When Betsy DeVos was flapping her fancy gums at Harvard, victims of for-profit colleges tried to ask her why she keeps trying to screw innocent students only to be brushed aside like peasants as she flew off on her private jet instead.

Nancy Pelosi is telling everyone in Washington to eat a dick after they criticized her for pushing a ban on gun silencers immediately after Rep. Steve Scalise returned to the Hill from his recovery from being almost murdered.

ICE is admitting that a number of high-profile public immigration arrests were specifically intended to piss on the lawns of sanctuary cities.

Wisconsin's Racine County has decertified its e-voting machines after realizing that, not only were the machines old and shitty, but they only count absentee votes made with pencils. Thanks for the late breaking news. [h/t Crooks & Liars]

In his neverending quest to appear less like a smarmy corporate shithead who's been skullfucking the city of Chicago for the last three years, Illinois Republican Gov. Bruce Rauner signed a bill expanding the public funding of abortions.

The Rohingya are struggling to survive while politicians bicker with whether or not they should bother helping some Muslims in Not America. This is bad.

Trump wants to sell MORE weapons to Not America, and is actively considering using the State Department and the Pentagon to tell Not American gun fetishists and warlords how big our guns are.

Russia has been trying to sow dissent within the black activist community with fake social media accounts that have been drumming up bullshit since before the election.

The DOJ wants Facebook to spill the beans on all the "anti-administration activists" who say mean things about the Trump administration and keep shutting shit down in the streets.

Super nerd Elon Musk wants to build a "big fucking rocket" to boldly go where no colonists have gone before: Mars. FUCK YEAH, FINAL FRONTIER!

Back during the 2016 election, Trump offered rapper 50 Cent half a million Ameros to make campaign appearances, but turned them down saying, "Nah, that's not good money."

Prince Kushner's lawyer Abbe Lowell fell victim to email prankster @Sinon_Reborn after the dumb bastard sent him information from the Senate Intel Committee. It was then posted on Twitter so that we can continue publicly flogging J-Kush Lowell. Bless you, @Sinon_Reborn

Melon Trump tried to give Dr. Seuss books to a school in Cambridge only to see the librarian exceedingly politely lose her shit.

NICE TIME! The head of the Air Force Academy brought all 4,000 cadets to attention on Thursday and reminded them, "If you can't treat someone with dignity and respect, then get out," after some racist bullshit was found on message boards of cadet rooms. Did we say nice time? That was weird of us.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert takes a look at Trump's trillion dollar tax fuckery; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Trump's own unnatural disasters; The Daily Show thinks it's time to pay Puerto Rico back; James Corden noticed the similarities between Trump and flat Earthers; Jordan Klepper assured us zombie TrumpCare is alive and well!

And here's your morning Nice Time! FOSSA PUPS! They're sort of like kitties!

We're supported by readers like you! Give us your money, we'll give you some newses and nice times.

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Let the quitfiring begin! Donald Trump's own internal polls are shit, so obviously it's time to fire the pollsters. Last week, the New York Times reported that Trump is freaking out and using his ancient, unsecured cellphone to make late night booty calls to his old pals for a little rub and tug to his ego. Russia, if you're listening ... and we know you are.

The Ego in Chief is flipping his shit because his own pollster Tony Fabrizio -- of Paul Manafort kickback and internal polling shared with Russians fame -- showed Trump trailing Biden badly this March in 11 swing states, with close races in six others. Trump's campaign manager Brad "Pube Beard" Parscale has been bragging about expanding his campaign into New Mexico, New Hampshire, and Nevada, at the same time his internal polls show them losing Pennsylvania by 16, Wisconsin by 11, Minnesota by 14, Michigan by 13, North Carolina by 8, Virginia by 17, and Ohio by 1. Fabrizio even showed him losing Georgia by 6!

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