​Trump's Ukraine 'Transcript' Is Real, And It Is BUGF*CK

As Donald Trump was freaking the fuck out on Tuesday over the realization that yes, Nancy Pelosi was going to pull the trigger on impeachment, he first called her and reportedly begged that they "work something out" on this whole whistleblower thing. In response, she told him and his band of fucked up criminals to follow the law. After that, he finally decided to release the "transcript" (it's not a transcript) of the infamous call between himself and the president of Ukraine from late July, which is part of the whistleblower complaint that has now led to impeachment proceedings. (Calls like this do not have transcripts. They have notes and summaries taken by folks in the Situation Room.) Late last night Trump caved again and said OK, OK, the White House will release the full whistleblower complaint to Congress later this week, but we are sure his fingers were crossed behind his back somehow, so House Intelligence Committee Chair Adam Schiff better be ready for some absolute bullshit redactions, Sharpie markings, missing pages, and just fuckery in general, when he gets the complaint.

Of course, the whistleblower is currently negotiating with Schiff to testify, so ... yeah, we think this train has left the station.

But for now we have the "transcript"! And holy crap, if this is what Trump was saying was just a very "beautiful" phone call -- he called it "perfect" on Twitter this morning -- then the full complaint must be holy shit OMG awful. We are actually shocked that the White House released this without much more of a fight, and it seems like congressional Democrats are too, but that might tell you just how backed into a corner Trump is right now, if they thought releasing this ahead of the full complaint was their best chance to take charge of the story. And they are TRYIN'. First they accidentally sent Democrats "talking points" on the Ukraine call, and they are hilarious. Then they emailed all the Democrats to remind them to "recall" the "talking points" on the Ukraine call.

Seriously, Jake Sherman tweeted out a screengrab of the subject line of the latest email:


Shall we put on our spectacles and read together? We shall. America, this is your president talking to a real foreign leader. You may be reminded of the first year of Trump's presidency, when the transcripts of his calls with the leaders of Mexico and Australia leaked and we all LOLed and pointed and laughed, but this is way worse.

The first thing we notice is that the "transcript" is written in Trump's mangled version of English, which is probably a requirement for NSC staffers writing memos these days. It features Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy just absolutely licking Trump's ass, which is believable, because there is not a foreign leader alive who doesn't know that you get what you want from Trump by licking his ass and flattering him. Zelenskiy even says he wants to "drain the swamp" like a common Trump! Zelenskiy thanks Trump for America's ongoing support in Ukraine's fight against Russia, including partnering on defense (the American aid money, which Trump was at that point personally holding up), and also enforcement of sanctions (which Trump haaaaaaates), and right there, President Crime Boss Foreign Agent Chickenshit Dumbfuck Baby saw his opening.

Here's what Zelenskiy said:

Thank you for help with sanctions against Russia. Thank you for partnering with Ukraine on defense. We are going to buy some Javelins from you!

Trump's response?

"I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR THOUGH," says Trump, who at that moment has Ukraine's military aid stuffed between his manboobs and would not release it until almost two months hence.


Here, for those of you who can't read our terrible screenshots:

TRUMP: I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with this whole situation with Ukraine, they say Crowdstrike ... I guess you have one of your wealthy people ... The server, they say Ukraine has it.

Donald Trump thinks Ukraine has the DNC server hacked by the Russians in their 2016 campaign to ratfuck the election and hand it to Donald Trump. (They do not.)

TRUMP: There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. [...] I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it.

Oh, cool, he just wants his old rentboy BILL BARR to call Ukraine on the telephone and have them work together to investigate the conspiracy theories Trump believes inside the galaxy brain that's implanted itself on his anal walls.

TRUMP: As you saw yesterday, that whole nonsense ended with a very poor performance by a man named Robert Mueller, an incompetent performance, but they say a lot of it started with Ukraine.

"They say."

Remember, this call happened a day after Robert Mueller's testimony, AKA the day Donald Trump probably thought he was now free to go forth and crime a lot, because the Mueller thing was so over, even though the Mueller hearings clearly exposed Trump as a crook and probably a foreign agent. Trump wants Zelenskiy to do investigations into BUT HER EMAILS, wants help discrediting the Robert Mueller investigation, and also wants an investigation into Joe Biden's son.

In response, Zelenskiy says oh yes Mister President, we will do all the things, we are best friends, ayup, you betcha, and also mentions that his people have been talking to Rudy Giuliani for some reason:

Note this quote: "I also plan to surround myself with great people and in addition to that investigation, I guarantee as the President of Ukraine that all the investigations will be done openly and candidly." So suddenly they're talking about investigations, in the context of Rudy Giuliani, who has been glomping onto Ukrainians like herpes on a ball sack all summer trying to get them to investigate Joe Biden. Our point is that everybody seems to be on the same page here.

Trump responds:

TRUMP: Good because I heard you had a prosecutor who was very good and he was shut down and that's really unfair. A lot of people are talking about that, the way they shut your very good prosecutor down and you had some very bad people involved.

No, they had a prosecutor who was highly corrupt and the entire Western world called for that guy to be fired.

TRUMP: Mr. Giuliani is a highly respected man.


TRUMP: I would like him to call you. I will ask him to call you along with the Attorney General. Rudy very much knows what's happening and he is a very capable guy. If you could speak to him that would be great.

Awesome, Donald Trump is just saying that his batshit personal lawyer and his bootlicking wannabe Roy Cohn attorney general will call the president of Ukraine so they can get together on inventing a fake investigation into Trump's political opponent Joe Biden in hopes of helping Trump win the election next year. How American of everyone involved!

TRUMP: There's a lot of talk about Biden's son, that Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people want to find out about that so whatever you can do with the Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it ... It sounds horrible to me.


Zelenskiy responds that sure, he knows exactly the investigation and the company (you know, the one Hunter Biden was on the board of) you are talking about, Mister President, and don't worry, he'll have HIS GUYS look into it. And he says if Trump has any info to share on the issue, bring it!

Trump responds, reasserting that Rudy Giuliani and Bill Barr will be on the phone with the Ukrainian president TOOT SWEET, because obviously this investigation needs to get going now, we guess. You know, before the 2020 American election.

Zelenskiy at this point seems to be trying to get off the phone, says yadda yadda, yes, new prosecutor, blah blah blah, one time he stayed at Trump Tower, etc., etc., Ukraine cooperating with United States on stuff and things! HAVE A NICE DAY, DONALD.

Trump responds:

TRUMP: I will tell Rudy and Attorney General Barr to call.

You know, no reason! Just to shoot the breeze about Joe Biden while Trump buries Ukraine's military aid in the backyard!

(By the way, Bill Barr's Justice Department has reviewed this so-called "transcript" and determined it is AWESOME, so obviously nothing to see here!)

To be clear, there doesn't even need to be a quid pro quo to impeach Trump over this, because HE'S ASKING A FOREIGN NATION TO INVESTIGATE HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT TO HELP WITH HIS RE-ELECT. No collusion, indeed! But, you know, just for good measure, the quid pro quo is present in the snippet of the summary of the phone call with the Ukrainian president the White House deemed very legal and very cool enough to release.

Guys? This is the FIRST FULL DAY of the impeachment inquiry, and this is where we already are. Trump has already admitted to these crimes! And now he's sending out the receipts!

Here's how he's responding on Twitter:

Trump also addressed the call in a live statement, which you can watch if you like batshit:

Trump on release of Ukraine call transcript: "The way you had that built up that call, it was goingwww.youtube.com

Oh yeah, and he's doing a news conference of some sort any minute now. We're sure that'll be great.

Holy shit, y'all. This is all they've got. The criminal president himself is tweeting out Fox News personalities saying this "transcript" doesn't explicitly or directly mention a quid pro quo -- except for how it does -- therefore MUST ACQUIT! This is fucking insane, because again, we already know the whistleblower complaint contains much more, and that it DOESN'T MATTER if there was a direct quid pro quo in this single solitary phone call! Once again for the thousandth time, HE'S ASKING A FOREIGN COUNTRY TO INVESTIGATE A MAN HE THINKS WILL BE HIS GREATEST POLITICAL ADVERSARY IN HIS NEXT ELECTION. And it looks like everybody was on the same page with there being a quid pro quo. It just looks like that was communicated in a variety of ways, without being spelled out on this particular phone call. But the quid pro quo sure was alluded to!


It's Wednesday. Will Donald Trump still be president on Friday?

[Trump Ukraine "transcript"]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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