Charlie Kirk, the annoying douchecanoe who founded the rightwing campus group Turning Point USA because the College Republicans were too liberal, got laughed at by Twitter yesterday for a video livestream in which he ranted about "the Left's" supposed hatred of Thanksgiving, which he insisted is 1) an established fact; and 2) the real reason The Left wants you to cancel Thanksgiving this year, using the coronavirus pandemic as a handy excuse.

Also, he looked like he'd just come off a multi-day bender, or possibly like he's doing an Actor's Studio audition for the role of Steve Bannon Jr.

Here, have some Kirkian rantings!

It's also impressive that he felt the need to refer to notes to say something this utterly stupid.


The Left has always hated Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving can be interpreted as a religious holiday, if you believe in giving thanks to a Creator.

Oh man, is that what the literal name of the holiday means? Has the Secular Atheist Central Committee been notified?

But they hate Thanksgiving, because they believe there is nothing you should be thankful for in America. This is an awful place, it is cancerous, rotten to the core, tear it all down, burn it from within, why would you be thankful? Instead, we need a Revolution. [PAUSE TO LOOK AT NOTES]

It's always so nice of wingnuts to tell me what I really believe! Hell, without loons like Glenn Beck, I never would have known that I am slavishly devoted to the writings of Saul Alinsky. Sadly, we all seem to have forgotten the Cloward-Pivens strategy, except for the occasional rightwing goofball on Twitter who still remembers our ultimate goal is to bring down the State through signing everyone up for welfare. But yes, do go on educating us on what we all think, Charlie!

Remember, as the Students for a Democratic Society radicals once wrote in the 1960s, they said, "conflict is the origin of everything." What happens when you're thankful? By definition, you're less likely to be involved and engaged in conflict. [LONG PAUSE TO LOOK AT NOTES]

I must raise my hand and again point out that it's really cute of Kirk to assume other people are absolutely devoted to some '60s radical text he found on the internet, when in fact everyone on the Left has actually memorized Mao's Little Red Book. That, or most of the dialogue from the first nine or 10 seasons of "The Simpsons."

Thanksgiving is supposed to de-escalate any sort of preexisting [PAUSE] issues [PAUSE] in our country.

Here we have confirmation that "Charlie Kirk" has never been to a Thanksgiving dinner with any family in America, ever. Then Kirk gets to his killer point. Because these crazed, conflict-driven radicals on the Left already hate the holiday with every fiber of their tryptophan-intolerant beings, "Now they're using the virus as an excuse for you not to be thankful."

He had to rush the line a bit because even an internet show has commercial breaks, we guess.

Now, as a leftish person whose favorite holidays are Thanksgiving and Molly Ivins's birthday, I must protest. I believe that Mr. Kirk just may be, as is his habit, completely wrong about this.

Leaving aside his straw-pilgrim stuff about what "the Left" really believes, or even his dumb attempts to repackage War on Christmas tropes in brown and orange, I'd just like to make the case that, its literal roots in prayer notwithstanding, Thanksgiving is one dandy secular American holiday. It's about community, for Crom's sake, and appreciating the stuff that brings us together, Including the conflict stuff.

It's the traditional time for kids to come home from their first semester in college and announce they are now vegan polysexual Daoists who can't believe how shallow their parents are, and also they cannot consume anything on the table. Later, they are allowed to sneak some of the dressing that was cooked in the bird and feel guilty about their commitment to the cause.

It is a time to read long passages from Kurt Vonnegut to your parents and be disappointed when they don't get what the big deal is. It is a time of sullen glares followed by football or a movie. It is a time to make not very subtle digs about your one weird uncle's politics. It's a time to watch all the same Mystery Science Theater 3000 movies you've watched every Thanksgiving since 1989. It is a time for families to get into arguments that may or may not end in fisticuffs, or perhaps just tears.

It is, like any American holiday, a chance for us to recognize exactly how schizoid our national culture is: We know that a lot of the "togetherness and sharing" is a Hallmark fantasy that we've been sold, and yet, miracle of miracles, we can also appreciate each other, even as we make fun of the enforced festiveness. It's a time to finally try the leftovers strata.

And in some cases, when "family" isn't anywhere close to the Hallmark card fantasy, it's a time to stay away out of safety and to appreciate the families we've constructed with each other. It's a time to listen again to "Alice's Restaurant Massacree," and listen to William S. Burroughs's Thanksgiving Prayer, and to send money to Wonkette. It's a time to find whatever peace we can make in the world, even if, for the sake of safety, we can't make the drive to Montana to see Rebecca and Shy and the babies and the dogs.

That's the real meaning of Thanksgiving, Charlie Kirk. Take a shower, you look as terrible as the inside of your head must be.

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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