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If you are a man or a lady of letters, and are also versed in all internet traditions, you are likely aware of the famous satirical online web essay "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?" It's a monologue from The Onion, in the voice of a man who is just really fine with gay guys, he's just fine, but he's not gay, which leads to the conundrum in question. It's just that "wherever [he goes] these days" -- locker rooms, cruising spots in the woods -- he'd be just shooting the breeze, and before he knew it, a homosexual was sucking his cock! The narrator ends by saying that he really doesn't want to do this, but if it keeps happening, he's going to have to teach those homosexuals a lesson by fuckin' them right in their gay butt!

We wanted that great work of internet to be on your mind as you watch this video of Tucker Carlson talking about Pete Buttigieg last night. The words in all caps below the video are the actual words he said, and the clip is only eight seconds long, but luckily, it's looped, so that you may watch it for the rest of your natural life, if you so choose:

THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.

EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.

YUM.

THEY'RE ALL IN.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez apparently has the day off from living rent-free in Tucker Carlson's disturbing psychosexual fantasies, and the role will be played by her understudy Pete Buttigieg dressed up for Halloween as a can of Slutty Dinty Moore Beef Stew.


We don't know the rest of Tucker Carlson's monologue, but unless he prefaced those comments by saying, "I am about to do a very weird impression of an unfucked dork who desires to drown in a steaming hot bowl of Pete Buttigieg's meat bits," we doubt it's necessary. (Aw dammit, we Googled it. It was a monologue about the Democrats leaving Beto O'Rourke's milkshake in the yard and maniacally eating Pete Buttigieg like a hearty stew, a reference that came from MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace calling Buttigieg "Chicken Soup For My Soul," which you'd think Carlson would know is a reference to an extremely famous line of Christian books. But we guess Carlson doesn't know that, because when he said "every last drop," he tensed up and shook his head back and forth in the universal sign of "MM MM, GOOD! ALSO I HAVE AN INAPPROPRIATE BONER RIGHT NOW!")

We are too daft to understand Fox News jokes, obviously, but Tucker Carlson is apparently making fun of Democrats' newfound love for Pete Buttigieg. And if he has to wear his best "fuck me" face while he begs for permission to slurp up 20 bowls of Pete's special sauce just to own the libs and show Dems HOW RIDICULOUS THEY ARE, he'll do it with abandon.

Um, yeah, so, as we have discussed in the past, Tucker Carlson has issues. He has extremely weird stories about gay men, where he brags about beating them up in the bathroom, because apparently they all looked at him funny. Indeed, in that story, he bragged about a gay man coming on to him and him being so mad he went back with a buddy to beat the shit out of the guy. One time he got really mad because "Saturday Night Live" made fun of ISIS, because know what Tucker Carlson would like to see? An "SNL" sketch about transgender bathrooms! Ha! Ha ha!

Recently, he had a weird moment when he started talking about "spiritual neutering," in the context of gingerbread cookies in Scotland that did not have defined man cock genital areas. Because it's just not Christmas until you bite that gingerbread cock off in your mouth, is it, Tuck?

There is something wrong with Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, that is what we are saying.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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