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If you are a man or a lady of letters, and are also versed in all internet traditions, you are likely aware of the famous satirical online web essay "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?" It's a monologue from The Onion, in the voice of a man who is just really fine with gay guys, he's just fine, but he's not gay, which leads to the conundrum in question. It's just that "wherever [he goes] these days" -- locker rooms, cruising spots in the woods -- he'd be just shooting the breeze, and before he knew it, a homosexual was sucking his cock! The narrator ends by saying that he really doesn't want to do this, but if it keeps happening, he's going to have to teach those homosexuals a lesson by fuckin' them right in their gay butt!

We wanted that great work of internet to be on your mind as you watch this video of Tucker Carlson talking about Pete Buttigieg last night. The words in all caps below the video are the actual words he said, and the clip is only eight seconds long, but luckily, it's looped, so that you may watch it for the rest of your natural life, if you so choose:

THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.

EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.

YUM.

THEY'RE ALL IN.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez apparently has the day off from living rent-free in Tucker Carlson's disturbing psychosexual fantasies, and the role will be played by her understudy Pete Buttigieg dressed up for Halloween as a can of Slutty Dinty Moore Beef Stew.


We don't know the rest of Tucker Carlson's monologue, but unless he prefaced those comments by saying, "I am about to do a very weird impression of an unfucked dork who desires to drown in a steaming hot bowl of Pete Buttigieg's meat bits," we doubt it's necessary. (Aw dammit, we Googled it. It was a monologue about the Democrats leaving Beto O'Rourke's milkshake in the yard and maniacally eating Pete Buttigieg like a hearty stew, a reference that came from MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace calling Buttigieg "Chicken Soup For My Soul," which you'd think Carlson would know is a reference to an extremely famous line of Christian books. But we guess Carlson doesn't know that, because when he said "every last drop," he tensed up and shook his head back and forth in the universal sign of "MM MM, GOOD! ALSO I HAVE AN INAPPROPRIATE BONER RIGHT NOW!")

We are too daft to understand Fox News jokes, obviously, but Tucker Carlson is apparently making fun of Democrats' newfound love for Pete Buttigieg. And if he has to wear his best "fuck me" face while he begs for permission to slurp up 20 bowls of Pete's special sauce just to own the libs and show Dems HOW RIDICULOUS THEY ARE, he'll do it with abandon.

Um, yeah, so, as we have discussed in the past, Tucker Carlson has issues. He has extremely weird stories about gay men, where he brags about beating them up in the bathroom, because apparently they all looked at him funny. Indeed, in that story, he bragged about a gay man coming on to him and him being so mad he went back with a buddy to beat the shit out of the guy. One time he got really mad because "Saturday Night Live" made fun of ISIS, because know what Tucker Carlson would like to see? An "SNL" sketch about transgender bathrooms! Ha! Ha ha!

Recently, he had a weird moment when he started talking about "spiritual neutering," in the context of gingerbread cookies in Scotland that did not have defined man cock genital areas. Because it's just not Christmas until you bite that gingerbread cock off in your mouth, is it, Tuck?

There is something wrong with Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, that is what we are saying.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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