Fox News is having a hard time with the FBI showing up at Rudy Giuliani's house and stealing his computers and his Jitterbug phones. If they can do this to a man so fine and upstanding and normal and sane as Rudy Giuliani, then they are going to do it to YOU. (And by "you," they mean white Republicans who break the law.)

Never mind that Roodles, like so many Trump associates, first found himself under investigation for his Ukraine dealings by the Southern District of New York during the era of the TRUMP Justice Department, despite how the TRUMP Justice Department was completely geared toward protecting Trump's buddies and pals. Even in that environment, these fuckers got investigated, and sometimes even prosecuted. This goes at least as far back as 2019, when Giuliani's associates Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman got indicted. Point is, despite how TRUMP Attorney General Bill Barr tried to memory-hole a lot of this, it's apparently survived.

Therefore obviously this is all Joe Biden's fault, and WHAT ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN? WHAT ABOUT HUNTER LAPPTOPP?


Let's start with Tucker Carlson, because he's always the most pathetic man in the room. On his show last night, Tucker called the Rudy raid the "hallmark of tyranny" and said Joe Biden is on a rampage to "punish his political opponents." You betcha.

Here's the part where Tucker baselessly bitched that the feds called the Lincoln Project to tell them they were raiding Rudy, because that's how things work. Does Tucker have any proof for this allegation? PFFFFFT who needs "proof" when you can just say words?

The Lincoln Project seems like it might have known something, tweeting this weekend that "multiple sources" had tipped them off that "something BIG" was happening Wednesday, which is how journalism and gossip both work. It doesn't mean the FBI literally called the Lincoln Project this weekend and said, "I HAVE A SECRET! I HAVE A SECRET! I CAN'T TELL YOU! JUST KIDDING, I CAN TELL YOU! WE'RE DOIN' RUDY WEDNESDAY! NOT IN THE SEX WAY!"

A few minutes later, Tucker outright defended Konstantin Kilimnik, a literal actual Russian spy, the guy to whom Paul Manafort passed Rust Belt polling models and data from the Trump campaign in 2016, after which Kilimnik handed them to Russian intelligence. In this clip, Tucker cites "John Solomon's reporting" (LOLOLOLOL) to "prove" Kilimnik is not a Russian spy, but rather an "informant for the US government." Of the allegation Kilimnik is a Russian spy, Tucker said "That was a LIE," and accused Robert Mueller of failing to include John Solomon's very important reporting (LOLOLOLOL) in his report.

Tucker, unsurprisingly, did not address how the then-Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee outright called Kilimnik a fucking Russian spy in its Russia report. It's almost like Tucker is full of shit and knows it.

This is important because Solomon, whose "reporting" is widely and hilariously discredited, was all up the ass of the same group of chucklefucks as Rudy Giuliani, regarding the very same Ukraine matters the FBI is investigating Giuliani over. Hey, remember how the FBI also knock-knock-motherfucker-ed hairball lawyer Victoria Toensing yesterday? Same group of chucklefucks. Konstantin Kilimnik also factors into the Russian influence op against the 2020 election, which has a significant bit of overlap with the pro-Russia Ukrainians the chucklefucks were working with.

It's all the same team of chucklefucks. And it sure sounds like it's alllllll on the FBI's radar. (Indeed, one of the things the feds were reportedly looking for with their warrant is Giuliani's communications with Solomon.)

A few minutes later, Tucker defended Matt Gaetz for some reason, because for Tucker, this is all part of "Biden Admin Sends Message To Dissidents," which is what his chyron said. Watch this clip if only to hear Tucker puberty-yelp the words, "Matt Gaetz is a sex trafficker!"

Earlier in the day, on "Tucker Carlson Today," which is different from "Tucker Carlson Tonight" and "Tucker Carlson: Hoods Off" and "Tucker After Dark XXX Whoa Hey" (those last two aren't real), Tucker hosted some weirdass dill-waffle woman he likes to have on his show called Heather MacDonald, who seemed very unclear as to why Rudy had been raided, suggesting it was about all his Stop The Steal Four Seasons Total Landscaping horseshit.

MACDONALD: It has no substance whatsoever and yet we're all supposed to pretend that these lies have actual flesh and bones on them. It's truly extraordinary. And so, arresting Giuliani, pretending that he's the sort of sphere of some domestic terrorist assault, and that that's what we have to fear in this country, not rioting, that is violating due process.

No, Ms. MacDonald, this is about Rudy's Ukrainian attempts to steal the election for Trump, not his landscaping attempts to overturn the election after it happened.

Somebody didn't have time to read the internet before she went on Tucker.

And Then There Was Hannity.

Poor Sean Hannity, who has had all these chucklefucks on his show one gabillion times the past several years, and whose name just kept weirdly coming up in Trump's first impeachment, which was about ... all this Rudy Ukraine shit!

Here are some things poor Sean Hannity said on his radio show yesterday:


HANNITY: [T]his is interesting, sad on one level, I'm suspicious on another level, and — didn't take long for Biden to start using the Justice Department to go after political enemies, and clearly at the top of the list is a guy by the name of Rudy Giuliani, America's mayor.

This investigation started, again, in Trump's DOJ, but OK.

Also that fucking loser hasn't been "America's mayor" since Joe Biden made fun of him for never saying anything besides "a noun, a verb and 9/11" way back in 2007.

HANNITY: Now, Giuliani, of course, he was front and center investigating Hunter Biden's corrupt dealings with Ukraine.

Translation: Rudy was in Ukraine trying to help Trump pressure that country into ginning up fake investigations into fake dirt on the Bidens to help steal the 2020 election for Trump, long before Joe Biden even got the nomination.

Here's some victim shit:

HANNITY: If you're a Republican, if you're a conservative, if you're a Trump supporter it's even worse, I mean, they'll put you in jail for years for spitting on the sidewalk or jaywalking. You know, we have, look at Roger Stone's case, in particular.

You've got 20 guys, tactical gear, frogmen, pre-dawn raid, guns blazing, and CNN cameras tipped off, they're watching and filming the whole thing, for what, a process crime of lying to Congress?

Roger Stone was convicted on all counts he was charged with, of obstruction of justice, witness tampering, and lying to Congress, and this all happened during the TRUMP administration. And yes, we know it's wingnut gospel that CNN was "tipped off" to the Roger Stone arrest, but that's a paste-eating conspiracy theory just like everything else Hannity believes.

Hannity also whined about "what they did to Paul Manafort," before doing some more victim talk:

HANNITY: If one comma is out of place, god forbid, they'll want to throw the book at a conservative. And that's how I've governed my life. Because I don't feel that there's equal justice and equal application of our laws. And I do believe our justice system has been politicized.

Now is it possible Rudy Giuliani did something wrong here? I would assume it's unlikely, because he is a lawyer and he is smart.

Hahahaha, that is literally Sean Hannity saying with a straight face that Rudy Giuliani can't possibly be guilty because he is "lawyer" and "smart."

Anyway, Hannity is also very upset because he says his lawyers won't let him have a copy of hUnTeR bDiDen'S laPPtOp "because of what is on there," so that's rough.

In summary and in conclusion, Tucker is going to have Rudy on this evening, we are guessing for what will end up being an entirely accidental confession. This even though, as this Media Matters report fully documents, the suits at Fox News are well aware Rudy is full of shit.

So you'll want to watch that, or not watch that, depending on how much you like watching trains smash into each other in open fields.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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