Tucker Carlson Dreams Of Room Filled Entirely With Tucker Carlsons

Culture Wars
Tucker Carlson Dreams Of Room Filled Entirely With Tucker Carlsons

Tucker Carlson, transcender of dog whistles, went full Stormfront on his show last night while railing against "elites" who love diversity and wish to see Donald Trump evicted from the White House. With a large graphic behind him, blaring "ANSWER ME THIS" Tucker Carlson, a white heterosexual man born into wealth and privilege beyond most of our wildest dreams, demanded that said "elites" explain to him just how diversity is supposed to be our strength, when he, Tucker Carlson, is most comfortable around people who are exactly like Tucker Carlson. Unlike all those elitists.

He asked:

"How precisely is diversity our strength? Since you've made this our new national motto, please be specific as you explain it. Can you think, for example, of other institutions such as, I don't know, marriage or military units in which the less people have in common, the more cohesive they are? Do you get along better your neighbors or your co-workers if you can't understand each other or share no common values? Please be honest as you answer this question. And if diversity is our strength, why is it okay for the rest of us to surrender to one of our central rights, freedom of speech, to just a handful of tech monopolies?"

Is Tucker Carlson the mom in Janis Ian's "Society's Child?" Inquiring minds want to know.

There are lots of ways to answer this question, but I will say this. Tucker Carlson and I both have brown hair. We are both white people. We both work in media. He went to boarding school in Rhode Island, and my whole entire family is from Rhode Island (though, granted, not the boarding school part of the state). Yet we have nothing in common, share no common values, and I certainly don't understand him. He is an asshole, I am not. I am perfectly able to form cohesive relationships with people of all different backgrounds, ethnicities and races who are also not assholes. I would not be able to form a cohesive relationship with Tucker Carlson, an asshole.

If one were so inclined, one might suggest that surrounding oneself entirely with other Tucker Carlsons is precisely how Tucker Carlson became such an asshole in the first place. Or, at the very least, how he got so goddamned boring.

I read an anecdote somewhere, once -- about how back in the old days, the managers of textile factories in New York City purposely tried to engineer conflict between the Jewish and Italian immigrant women who worked there, in order to stem the threat of collective bargaining. What ended up happening instead was the women learned each other's languages, invited each other home and developed close bonds that soon led to the exact thing those managers had feared -- the formation of unions. The other result of this was linguistic -- Italians incorporated Yiddish words into their everyday language, and Jewish people started using Italian words in theirs, which is partially why, to this day, you'll hear Jewish people saying fongool and Italian people saying Oy. There are lots and lots of stories like this in our history, and they are stories of incredible strength and perseverance and human kindness, in the face of Tucker Carson levels of bullshit.

The reason diversity is a strength is because being the person sitting around whining about not getting to always be in a room of people you think are exactly like you is weak as fuck. It's babyish. It's childish. Diversity leads to people having a broader and richer worldview, to being stronger than those in their Tucker Carlson Types ONLY hidey holes, to considering different perspectives and, yes, to much better food. Unlike at the Tucker Carlson Lunch Counter where they serve only cucumber sandwiches and mayonnaise by the spoonful.

Now, I would be the very last person to say that Tucker Carlson should not stick to his own kind. On the contrary, I wholeheartedly support any steps he takes to ensure that the rest of us be deprived of the pleasure of his company. That being said, he ought to stop projecting and assuming that just because he is thoroughly incapable of bonding with people of different backgrounds, that other people are similarly myopic.

And now, your open thread! Don't forget to tip us on the way out!


Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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