Tucker Carlson Gets Blogger Fired, Rents "Crash"

Fun Fact: If you blog about how Tucker Carlson opened an account at the video store you work at, he will get you fired.

As Wonkette readers know, Tucker Carlson has been Googling himself a lot recently. And, unsurprisingly, he's not happy with most of the results. We regret that we've received only terse, incomprehensible emails, and haven't had awesome face-to-face exchanges with him like this:

Tucker: If you keep this shit up, I will fucking destroy you.
The Genius (Me): Whoah, perhaps you would like to take this outside where you can continue threatening me without disturbing the other customers.
Tucker: *Looks out the window, then back at me* I am not threatening you.
The Genius: You just said you would fucking destroy me.
Tucker: No, I didn't.

Did this actually happen? The fired blogger mentions that Tucker looks much more "tan" (orange) in real life than on TV, which we noted too. And a guy who just learned to Google himself last month probably hasn't signed up for Netflix yet. So yes, it's probably all true. And we're shocked -- shocked! -- that a cable tv pundit is kind of a dick.

His Bowtie Knows Where You Sleep... err... Work [Freelance Genius]

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Employees in Donald Trump's White House have the career mortality rate of Bubonic plague victims and are less attractive to future employers. Adding to the body count is Darren Beattie, one of Trump's speechwriters who was fired on Friday. It's a hard gig trying to make the thing currently squatting in the Oval Office sound like a functioning human being. Just take a quick look at Trump's E. coli-infected word salad when removed from a sanity-boosting Twitter format.

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