Tucker Carlson Goin' To See A Man About A Fish

Tucker Carlson has had this vacation planned for months. It's just this thing he always does the second Tuesday of July, where he goes home, loads up his traditional American pickup truck, puts on his traditional American waders, and goes trout fishing for maybe two days, maybe two weeks, maybe two months. Who can say? The trip isn't over until Tucker decides he's caught enough fish, and he'll decide how many is enough once he gets there. (He says he's coming back "Monday.")

This vacation, which Tucker announced last night all of a sudden, we guess he just now remembered it, has nothing to do with how his show just had to fire its head writer Blake Neff, after it was discovered that Neff had been leaving poorly spelled racism and sexism all over an online message board under a pseudonym for ages. Nothing at all.

Tucker explained that Neff's words had "no connection to the show," despite how Neff's racist and sexist posts are quite a lot like what happens on the Tucker Carlson TV show every single night, and despite how CNN reporter Oliver Darcy found that specific things from Neff's little underfucked online troll forum actually made it onto Tucker's show. Tucker made a vague attempt to say Blake Neff is very sorry and Blake Neff has been a very bad boy (naughty Blake!).

"It is wrong to attack people for qualities they cannot control. In this country, we judge people for what they do, not for how they were born. We often say that because we mean it," [said Tucker, but we couldn't see his fingers and whether they were crossed behind his back].

Tucker said "Blake was horrified by the story and he was ashamed." We are sure he's very horrified and ashamed (that he got caught) and so is Tucker. About the things young impressionable Blake was posting on the internet scarcely more than a week ago. You betcha.

Tucker quickly then starting going after the "ghouls now beating their chests in triumph at the destruction of a young man," because won't somebody think of the sad loser racist sexist motherfuckers who leave sad loser racist sexist motherfucker comments on the internet and then have to quit their job on Fox News's hit TV show "Sad Loser Racist Sexist Motherfucker With Tucker Carlson"? Clearly that is the real thing to be mad about here.

Of course, Tucker didn't really get into the nitty-gritty of what Neff actually wrote online, maybe because he was worried it would make him giggle live on air. Stuff like this:

Just this week, the writer, Blake Neff, responded to a thread started by another user in 2018 with the subject line, "Would u let a JET BLACK congo n****er do lasik eye surgery on u for 50% off?" Neff wrote, "I wouldn't get LASIK from an Asian for free, so no." (The subject line was not censored on the forum.) On June 5, Neff wrote, "Black doods staying inside playing Call of Duty is probably one of the biggest factors keeping crime down." On June 24, Neff commented, "Honestly given how tired black people always claim to be, maybe the real crisis is their lack of sleep." On June 26, Neff wrote that the only people who care about changing the name of the NFL's Washington Redskins are "white libs and their university-'educated' pets."

And this:

On the forum, Neff has also expressed bigoted views. In 2014, he joked about "foodie faggots." And in the same year, he started a thread titled, "Urban business idea: He Didn't Do Muffin!" He joked one item could be, "Sandra Bland's Sugar-free Shortbreads!" In August 2019, a user started a thread titled, "We should just buy Canada and kick the Canadians out." Neff commented, "Okay but what do we do with the millions of Chinese people."

Oh yeah, and there were the women whose personal information Neff shared for purposes of mocking them. Repeatedly.

All of this ... seems pretty de rigueur for the head writer of a known white nationalist who brags about how he once beat up a gay guy in the bathroom. And before you say, "Why does Tucker even need this guy as a head writer? He's racist and creepy enough on his own" — BEFORE YOU SAY THAT — you should know that TV is hard. Tucker might be a white supremacist, but we imagine it's hard writing white supremacy day in, day out. It stands to reason he'd have a trusty head writer to remember to burning-cross all his "T"s and dot his "I"s with little white hoods.

It's not like Fox News hosts have a well-worn habit of taking random fish excursions whenever it gets too hot in the kitchen or anything, except for that time Laura Ingraham decided to verbally abuse the Parkland kids and then immediately went to see a man about a trout, and when Bill O'Reilly's sexual harassment settlements came out and he immediately went to see a loofah about a falafel. And that time Sean Hannity. And that other time Tucker. Probably a thousand others we forget right now.

At press time, Tucker had caught a very big fish but the very big fish had to resign from being Tucker's very big fish almost immediately because it was revealed as the biggest incel Nazi fish that ever did swim, what a very bad fish Tucker caught! That is definitely not Tucker's fish.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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