Tucker Carlson, who once bragged about beating up a gay dude in a public bathroom for lookin' at him funny, is mad. You see, there are boobies, and there are weenuses, and they are on the internet, and don't these boobies and weenuses know there is a pandemic happening? You'd think their owners would lock them up during a pandemic. But instead they are letting people give them money, for their boobies and weenuses!

To be clear, before we glove up and go in: Tucker does not actually mention weenuses in this clip. Not only would it interfere with his patriarchal concern trolling argument, we already mentioned he has a well-known penchant for being uncomfortable with "gay." Also by limiting the conversation to boobies on the internet, Tucker avoids entirely the concept of "agency," because in this clip it doesn't seem to occur to him that women might be freely choosing without shame or regret to make a few extra bux off some hoo-ha pix.

CARLSON: Millions of young people have no jobs and they have no prospects of getting jobs, they're in limbo. In many cases they are drowning in debt. They're poor. And poverty makes people desperate. When they get desperate enough, some sell their bodies. You see it in Africa, parts of Eastern Europe, in war zones across the globe. Now it's happening here in the United States.

Got it, Tucker, all the young people are hookers now, because of the poverty and the pandemic. This reminds Tucker of "Africa," and we assume Tucker doesn't like things that remind him of "Africa" very much.


CARLSON: But in this case, nobody seems horrified by it, or even upset. Instead our media are promoting it.

Yep, the media just won't shut up. It's on all the channels. Can't even watch HGTV anymore without them showing commercials for "Bone Town," the new porn version of HGTV's "Home Town" we just made up. Also set in Laurel, Mississippi, this show is mostly about plumbers who show up to fix ladies' and gentlemen's pipes and end up FIXING THEIR PIPES IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN AND WHAT WE MEAN IS SEX.

And then afterward they go ahead and knock down some walls, because even porn-boners like open concept these days. It comes on after "Love It Or Fist It."

Just kidding, Tucker read an article in Axios from almost a month ago and that's what's up his ass right now. That's literally the only "media" he cites.

CARLSON: OnlyFans and IsMyGirl are porn websites. Both of them allow women ...

And men, in the case of OnlyFans. (Adding: Including Jacob Wohl LOLOLOLOL can't believe we didn't include that the first time.)

CARLSON: ... to sell explicit photos and videos of themselves to men online.

And women.

So, Tucker is mad because the DIY porn subscription networks are growing and surging and throbbing during coronavirus, and this bothers Tucker because ...

CARLSON: Those sites are FEASTING off our collapsing economy! [...] Imagine something sadder!

Bambi's mom dying. Being Tucker Carlson's wife.

CARLSON: This is unimaginably ugly! It is the purest, most degrading form of economic exploitation. When you have nothing left to sell, you sell your body.

Surely some of the models on these websites also make crafts! We bet they have Etsy shops and everything.

CARLSON: The people who broker that sale are called PIMPS. Healthy societies do not celebrate PIMPS. They put PIMPS in prison!

PIMPS, he tells you, PIMPS!

CARLSON: Imagine anything more decadent than that!

A glimpse of stocking! Four-letter words in prose! Play-acting!

OK, that's enough.

Tucker Carlson heard about some boobies and they made him mad. None of this is surprising.

He's also had a pretty bad week, so drink to that later. Advertisers are fleeing after he declared on Monday night that the Black Lives Matter movement isn't even about black lives, and he considers this evidence that "the mob" is coming after him and trying to silence him. As the New York Times reports, advertisers like Disney, T-Mobile, Poshmark and even Papa John's are running for the hills, because surprise, most companies don't want to be associated with white nationalists right now, and Tucker Carlson is a white nationalist. This is on top of all the other advertisers Tucker's lost over the years, because he's a white nationalist.

Basically the only commercials you see if you actually watch Tucker on the Fox News network are for My Pillow:

Sad. And we've heard those pillows are total fucking garbage too.

On yeah, and speaking of Tucker's bad week, he also got personally murdered by the Muppet called Elmo the other day, but don't worry he got better.

And now this. Bazooms! On the internet! Right there where Tucker can see them! First Black lives mattering, and now BAZOOMS?


Open thread.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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