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Finally a War On Christmas story you can wrap your mouth around!

You might have heard that Tucker Carlson is facing a massive advertiser boycott because this one time he slipped and said something a tiny bit racist, but this post is not about that. It's about GINGERBREAD COCK, which is the true meaning of Christmas, after all.

Last night, Tucker Carlson did his show like normal. We're guessing he either lied about or mostly ignored the real news of the day -- like yesterday's shitshow Michael Flynn sentencing hearing and the fact that most of the Trump family (including the president) will now be banned from sitting on the boards of charities in the state of New York, because they're just that criminal -- and stuck to the important stuff. He made fun of some segment on MSNBC. According to somebody on Twitter who watched the whole thing, he defended Russia a lot. But then Carlson got down to the real business, which is gingerbread cookies what do not even have great big penises on them. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Can you even imagine getting into the Christmas spirit without answering the age-old question, "Do I eat the gingerbread man dick first, or do I eat all the way around the dick and then put the dick under my pillow and if I've been a very good boy, I will awaken to a special Christmas treat?"

Tucker Carlson cannot imagine that, and neither could his pal on the show, Fox News resident wingnut lesbian Tammy Bruce. She is even madder about the de-penising of gingerbread MEN than Tucker Carlson is! (And he's pretty mad, as you will see.)


The set-up for the story was one of those famous Fox News things, where they find one little weird thing that happened in one little corner of the world, and cite it as evidence that THE LIBERALS HAVE DESTROYED CHRISTMAS. In this case, the coffeeshop in Scotland's Parliament stopped selling gingerbread MEN, because that's sexist and they should be gingerbread PEOPLE. Not a hill we would personally die on, but whatever.

Carlson made a "joke" about "You don't even want to know how many bathrooms there are in gingerbread houses now," because LOLOLOLOL Tucker Carlson has bathroom issues. Then Bruce took over:

I contend, after a series of, you know, living your entire life being kind of bullied into what you can and cannot say, and presumptions that you're bad people, that it can be the smallest thing that tips you over the edge, that's the tipping point, and in this case, it's, you know, calling gingerbread men a gingerbread person when obviously, they're men.

Sometimes a tiny penis made of flour and eggs and sugar, OR THE ABSENCE THEREOF, can be the thing that sends you spiraling so far out of control that you suddenly find yourself on Tucker Carlson's show, consensually, crying about how cookies ain't got no dicks. Not an experience we've ever had, but sure!

Tucker Carlson had thoughts, and they were even funnier than Tammy Bruce's thoughts.

Well maybe the lesson is that the rest of us shouldn't participate in our own SPIRITUAL NEUTERING.

Hand to God, that's what he said. He's talking about how the liberal gaygenders have destroyed Christmas and America and the Scottish Parliament and HE SAID THE WORD "NEUTERING." Because if cookies don't have a penis, how can Tucker Carlson even be sure he has one?

The sound you hear is a million licensed mental health professionals chuckling and saying, "Oh I think I understand Tucker Carlson now."

At press time (allegedly), Tucker Carlson was cramming bratwursts into his underpants and telling them what a good BOY they are, that's right BOY, don't ever let anybody say the bratwursts in Tucker Carlson's underpants are GENDER-FLUID or that SANTA AND JESUS AREN'T WHITE.

And a merry Christmas was had by all!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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