Tucker Carlson Only Man Brave Enough To Save America From Fearsome Tyrant King Dr. Fauci

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Most of us haven't had the courage to talk about what happened when Dr. Anthony Fauci led a cavalry of doctors into the White House, disposed of the Secret Service, commandeered the military, and mounted his coup. He lured Donald Trump into a room he's never been in before, and placed a Big-Mac-Smell air freshener inside every closet in that room so that whenever Trump opened a door trying to escape, he could not, because he was deliriously disoriented by Big Mac Smells. Having successfully trapped Trump, Dr. Fauci crowned himself Dear Leader President-For-Life Fauci, and quite frankly, who among us has been brave enough to talk about it, for fear of repercussions from our new dictator?

Tucker Carlson is brave. One time he beat up a gay guy in the bathroom because he was pretty sure that guy looked at him funny. Be our hero, Tucker Swanson Chicken Dinner Carlson!

We said at the end of our post about yesterday's Senate Health Committee hearing with Dr. Fauci that Fox News was going to work extra-hard to get him fired last night, and oh boy, Tucker stepped up.



CARLSON: He said that nobody should ever shake hands again, just to be safe! [plays clip of Tyrant Fauci slicing everybody's hands off so they can't shake] Look, this is just buffoon-level stuff, at that point, and we're not doing this to mock the guy. You know?

Not really? First of all, hand-shaking is a stupid old custom and nobody who's going to be alive 40 years from now gives a flying fuck about it. Occasionally you find somebody with a good and nice handshake, but other people have sweaty hands or their handshakes feel like going to third base with a fish, and now you are imagining what Tucker Carlson's third-base fish handshake probably feels like, so we will move on.

CARLSON: The point is, is this the guy into whom you want to vest all of your trust? Is this the guy you want to chart the future of the country? Maybe not! This is a very serious matter, the decisions we are making right now!

We were not aware that was an option. Was he in the Democratic primary?

CARLSON: Tony Fauci has not been elected to anything! He's had the same job for nearly 40 years. That means the majority of American voters never even indirectly picked him for the role he has now.

Well actually, Tucker, he's had that job for 40 years because he's served six presidents who, with the exceptions of Trump and Gee Dubya Bush, were elected by a majority of the American people. And part of that contract, when we elect a president, is that they get to staff their administrations. Six presidents have chosen to staff their administrations with Dr. Fauci, and he's worked on pretty much every epidemic/infectious disease outbreak we've had in recent American history. As the New York Times reports, Fauci has "declined multiple offers" from presidents to lead the National Institutes of Health. Like, this guy is really good, he is THE EXPERT, so good that literally everybody besides the current dumbfucks in the White House and the media organs that live inside Donald Trump's butt agrees Fauci should stay and continue saving America from disease.

Therefore yes, the American people did vote for that.

But, like ... does Tucker think we are supposed to be holding elections for Official Science Doctor Explainer Of America? And will Russia help install a know-nothing Republican in that role too, using the weaknesses of our own society and system against us? We are just curious.

CARLSON: This is not the result of any kind of democratic process at work at all.

Except the one we just explained.

CARLSON: Yet in the last four months, Fauci has become one of the most powerful people IN THE WORLD. And some, particularly in our media and in our Democratic establishment, are clamoring to give Dr. Fauci even MORE power.

Why!?

Some people seem to think he should be dictator for the duration of this crisis. That's insanity!

OK, Susan Powter.

You need to know, if you are unable to watch the video, that Tucker's voice kept doing that really high-pitched puberty thing it does when he's REALLY mad, so you can be assured this was SRS BZNZ.

Carlson also specifically attacked Fauci's science recommendations for reopening, promoted Rand Paul's obviously much better medical science theory for why all the kids should go back to school, and raised some important questions about why we are taking Fauci's word on everything, just because he so-called "knows things":

CARLSON: So I'm asking a very simple question, how does he know this exactly? Is Tony Fauci right about the science? Do we have any particular reason to think he is right?

Dunno, like maybe his decades of experience as an epidemiological expert who tends to be right about epidemics. But sure, it is possible Tucker Carlson is better at "doctor" than Anthony Fauci.

It was all extremely stupid, but if you want the transcript and the video of that, Media Matters gotcha covered.

Anyway, if you were wondering what Uncle MAGA Breath called you rambling incoherently about this morning, it was probably this. Especially if he said something about how his AR-15 is going to stop the nanny state from forcing a Fauci mask onto his delicate face.

This week can only get more fun from here on out!

[video via Andrew Lawrence from Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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