Carlson nearly crushed by eyeroll

Never one to miss a chance to play Clueless Culture Warrior, Fox News asshat Tucker "No more bowtie jokes, that was years ago" Carlson offered a sort-of apology to Teen Vogue columnist Lauren Duca, who made a complete fool of him -- like, more of a fool -- the last time he tried to make her out as a mean leftist who approved of a guy who angrily confronted Ivanka Trump on an airplane. Never mind that Duca had said the exact opposite.

Well! Carlson had to find a way to pretend he's a decent human being, so, in a brief segment Thursday in which he bemoaned Duca being chosen to give the commencement address at Bard College, he apologized for getting snappy at her back in December. But really, it was all her fault, and did you know that one interview pulled Duca out of obscurity and made her famous? Even though she fantasizes about the deaths of those she disagrees with? Here's Thursday's Tuckersnit:

Carlson is not afraid to apologize for losing his cool, no he is not:

Remember Lauren Duca? She's a writer for Teen Vogue who appeared on this show just before Christmas and delivered a performance so mindless and nasty that I lost control and snapped at her. I shouldn’t have done it, but I did. For that moment alone, though, Duca became a progressive hero. Within a month, she was the subject of a predictably fawning New York Times profile. Last weekend, she gave the commencement address at a university, Bard College in Simon's Rock, Massachusetts.*

Now, we're happy to make people famous, even not very impressive 26-year-old bloggers like Lauren Duca. But you'd think someone on the Bard commencement committee would have actually read what Duca has written before hiring her, maybe looked at her Twitter feed for a minute. It turns out that when she’s not barking on cable television or writing vapid pieces for teen magazines, Duca has yet another hobby: fantasizing about the deaths of her political enemies.

Gosh, how much wrong can you find in that, kids? It's like a verbal version of one of those Highlights for Children puzzle pages with a teacher drawing on the blackboard with a fish and Donald Trump reading a book.

That silly little vapid progressive lady Lauren Duca had already become somewhat famous well before Carlson's bookers invited her to be yelled at (and to end up pwning Carlson on his own set), seeing as how she'd written that badass piece on Donald Trump and gaslighting that everyone was forwarding to everyone else in early December. Carlson, of course, hadn't read the article at all. But sure, Tucker Carlson made her famous all by himself, just like Donald Trump gave NATO the idea to fight terrorism, which they'd only dimly heard of before him. Oh, but what is this about Duca fantasizing about the deaths of her political enemies? Carlson offered a screenshot of this now-deleted tweet by Duca, which he took to mean as a wish for Donald Trump to die in a plane crash:

Carlson, who has apparently never heard the colloquialism "crash and burn" as a synonym for "fail spectacularly," chastised Duca for having "bravely deleted the tweet, but fortunately, the Internet never forgets," and to prove she is a homicidal leftist terrorist, he cited her replying to a critic on Twitter by saying, "I hope this person dies in a fire" -- not a nice sentiment, but also a colloquialism that doesn't indicate any intent to firebomb someone's house. Carlson summed up sorrowfully, "So of course she gave the commencement address at an accredited four-year college. The left has gone insane."

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Yes, damn those academic elites for not examining the violence-filled Twitter feed of leftist Lauren Duca, who wants Donald Trump's plane to crash -- just like everyone who literally desires him to die in a flaming Amtrak derailment when they call his presidency a train wreck. Or Yr Wonkette, which clearly meant to imply Donald Trump should die when we used this gif of an airliner test crash to suggest (very naively, in retrospect) that Trump's attack on John McCain would cause his campaign to crash and burn:

For her part, Duca seems a bit less than properly ashamed of herself:

In fact, she persisted, and now has that last screenshot set, for now, as her Twitter header image. The left has gone insane with all this political violence. Somebody'd better punch another reporter.

Oh, and here's Duca's dangerous, leftist, violence-tinged commencement address, in which she calls for death camps for all Republicans, probably:

We are kidding. She just tells "a story about a Fox News Potatohead named Tucker Carlson" starting at the 7-minute mark. Funny, Carlson doesn't mention she made fun of him in her speech, which was online well before he called her a wannabe assassin. Funny, that. (Also at 8:12: "There is literally a spider on the microphone. Oh my God!" Fine, she can call for the deaths of her enemies, but she's ascared of spiders?)

* He meant Bard College at Simon's Rock, which usually goes by "Simon's Rock" to distinguish it from its parent school, Bard College in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York. The More You Know!

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[The Wrap / Lauren Duca on Twitter]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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