Tucker Carlson: Everyone Just Calm Down & Wait For The Race War
Tucker Carlson is an unrepentant racist scumbag. He also reportedly carves his steaks before first allowing them to rest. Last night, Carlson responded like he always does when he airs an especially offensive segment. He whines that the left is trying to "silence him" and then rolls around in his own racist filth. Let's break down his encore performance.
CARLSON: Things are getting dangerously crazy on the Left. How crazy? On Monday, former Jeb Bush spokeswoman Nicolle Wallace explained that President Trump is planning a genocide of Hispanic Americans.
That's not what MSNBC host Nicolle Wallace -- a former Republican -- said. She and USA Today columnist Paul Reyes discussed Donald Trump's use of words such as "invasion" and "infestation" to describe immigrants and how this dehumanizing rhetoric has historically led to the genocide of "undesirables." Carlson claimed Latinos don't mind the extermination talk because they actually dig the president. This is where the TV dinner heir demonstrates his shaky command of math.
CARLSON: Keep in mind, Donald Trump got a higher percentage of the Hispanic vote than Mitt Romney did.
CARLSON: It turns out that not all Latinos believe in open borders. A lot of them agree with Donald Trump.
Dude, 28 percent is only "a lot" if it's out of 40. The overwhelming majority of Hispanic voters don't like Donald Trump or his racist policies. If you oversampled Candace Owens in a poll, you'd think "a lot" of black people prefer benevolent slavery to the tyranny of freedom.
CARLSON: The Left is now telling you — and demanding that you believe — that anyone who supports Donald Trump is a white supremacist, and must be destroyed.
OK, Carlson literally just aired clips of Malcolm Nance and Frank Figluizzi on MSNBC that he claimed were "reckless and unhinged." They were detailing the president's coziness with white supremacists and how disturbing that is for those of us who don't receive fan mail from David Duke.
Now imagine your shut-in conservative parents who only watch Fox and don't consume actual news or even whatever it is the New York Times is doing. They are freaked the fuck out! Democrats want to destroy them! They'll have to order extra gates for their communities.
Carlson proceeded to go full Charles Boyer and ascribe the entire business model of Fox News to the Left.
CARLSON: [The Left] is telling you [Trump is a white supremacist] for political reasons. This is election season and they want more political power. But there are other reasons too.
Oh God, he's going to tell us, isn't he?
CARLSON: Ever wonder why rich people seem the most hysterical on the subject?
Tucker Carlson is a rich person.
CARLSON: Ever notice that it's the highest paid people on TV who are the most determined to convince you that white supremacy is America's biggest problem?
Tucker Carlson earns far more than Nicolle Wallace and possibly even Rachel Maddow.
CARLSON: Why is that? Simple: Every minute that you're angry about race is a minute you're not thinking about class, which of course is the real divide in this country. Working class people of all colors have a lot more in common with each other than they do with some overpaid MSNBC anchor.
Fox News host Sean Hannity made $36 million last year. He didn't even star in a Marvel movie. Obvious hypocrisy aside, Carlson is dropping Marxist theory like some common Bernie Sanders supporter in Portland who brews their own beer. He's such a white supremacist he thinks white people are the only ones "distracted" by racial issues. Minorities exist and while we worry about health care and jobs, we're also genuinely concerned about police brutality and white women armed with cell phones.
CARLSON: If you were allowed to think about that for long enough, you might start to get unauthorized ideas about economics. That would be disruptive to a very lucrative status quo. So [the Left] whips you into a frenzy of racial fear so that it never enters your mind. It's a diversion.
That's right, the Left runs Fox News now. Tucker, go on Chapo!
CARLSON: Everyone else hates each other. They get to keep their money. Pretty tricky. Unfortunately, it's destroying the country. For real. This is the path to civil war ... obviously.
Carlson's viewers probably wet their pants at this point. They don't want another civil war. They lost all their slaves in the last one! Carlson suggested the crazy liberals in Washington and on other cable networks just "calm down" for the sake of the nation. America is in the room next door and can hear Democrats and Republicans arguing. We should give our fellow Americans "the benefit of the doubt" and "cut [each other] a break" because "the alternative is DISASTER." It's unclear if dogs and cats are living together in his nightmare scenario.
If conservatives are really that concerned about another civil war, they should support removing the memorials and statues for the last people to start one. Even if you lose after waging war against the nation, you can have a public park named after you. It's a sweet deal for treason.
After pleading with us to love one another, Carlson spent the next half hour ragging on MSNBC some more and discussing Rep. Ilhan Omar's unconventional marriage to her own brother. The good news is we won't have to think about Carlson for a while because he announced that he's going on a "planned" vacation until August 19. He's cosplaying Andy Griffith on a fishing trip with his son.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.