Bohemian Tucker Carlson So Sad You Feminazis Murdered All The Art
Yesterday, we brought you news of Tucker Carlson's proclamation that women having jobs and getting paid to do those jobs has destroyed America, made everyone addicted to drugs, and sent everyone to prison.
This news also traveled to "The View," where all of the hosts and the audience collectively agreed that this was a very gross and stupid thing to say.
Tucker Carlson Suggests High-Earning Women Causing A Drop In Marriage | The View youtu.be
Abby Huntsman, who used to work with Carlson over on Fox and Friends, was simply shocked that he could be this sexist, as she has only known him to have a heart of gold.
"This is so different than the Tucker that I know. Anyone that's worked closely with him—he was so supportive of my career and wanted me to succeed. He's also a big proponent of marriage and families, that is probably the biggest thing for him, but he was always great to anyone he worked with, people of different backgrounds, immigrants. He loved helping them out. So if you know Tucker personally, you would say he has a heart of gold."
Ah, yes. Tucker Carlson. Known friend to women and immigrants everywhere.
Although the hosts of The View did not drag him quite as harshly as some of us might have, Tucker was still very unhappy to see a bunch of women question his wisdom so publicly. Thus, last night, Tucker went on a rant about how people disagreeing with him was the reason we didn't have any good comedy, art, or science anymore.
All in the Family Theme Song youtu.be
Whoops! Wrong clip, but you could see how I got them confused.
Notice that no one, though, contested the facts of what we said. Later in the show, one of those same hosts of "The View" admitted that, in fact, women do strongly prefer marrying men who make more than they do.
So, it's true. But it's not on the list of approved talking points, so it can't ever be said out loud. Those are the rules. Anyone who violates those rules will be punished.
This is very common. If you're wondering how we wound up in the dark age we're currently living through right now, this is how. This is why important science is no longer being done. It's why art isn't being made. This is why comedy is dying. It's why people aren't thinking for themselves anymore, which means the end of creativity.
It's why the rest of us stand by like cowards as the innocent are punished for crimes they didn't commit. Because we're all terrified. We're terrified of being denounced by some mindless ideologue on TV or shamed and ostracized on social media for stepping out of line. Or silenced completely by a big tech firm.
I shall now address Tucker directly.
Tucker. I'm gonna try to put this as nicely as possible. We still have art. We still have comedy. Lots and lots of both of them. In fact, I cannot throw a rock out of my window without hitting an artist or a comic (or a drummer). The thing is, Tucker, you just don't get invited to those parties. You're what the kids used to call a "square." Think about it! This would be like me saying that there aren't any more ... whatever it is that bow-tie wearing, WASPy, frozen dinner heirs who whine about how the womenfolk and the minorities have gone too far are into. I don't know. Country clubs? Cucumber sandwiches? Golf? Those pants with the lobsters on them? Sweaters being tied around necks?
I wouldn't know, Tucker. I would not be able to properly assess the popularity of any of those things, because no one is inviting me to their yacht parties. Which I am totally fine with because there is no way I would not look insane in a Lilly Pulitzer dress.
Art and comedy are not your wheelhouse, just as kayaks are not mine.
And science -- do we even want to get into that, Tucker? After the conversation you had with Bill Nye? Come on. What? Are you mad they're not doing studies on wandering wombs and criminal head shapes anymore? Because there's a reason for that. Science progressed! Just as art progressed and comedy progressed. Because these are all things that need to move with the times. It's always been that way. Were things not that way, I'd be singing Sophie Tucker songs on the Orpheum Circuit, but alas, here we are.
Yes, people get married less these days. Yes, it has to do with economics. But it's not a bad thing, it's a good thing. For women, anyway. And men who would prefer to have someone marry them because they love them and not because it's the only way they can survive. You see, once upon a time, if a woman wanted to not starve to death, she often had to get married. If she wanted to continue to not starve to death, if she wanted her children to not starve to death, she often had to stay married, even if her husband was abusive or otherwise shitty. If she got divorced, she was often shamed by the community and (per my mom) had to move to Florida. Unless she was rich (like, oh, I don't know -- your mom). If she had a child out of wedlock ... I mean, shit, just go read Bastard Out Of Carolina, ok?
Things were shitty for us, Tucker! Really shitty. And it doesn't have anything to do with the decline of manufacturing. (Also: women worked in manufacturing! You went to St. George's in Middletown, Rhode Island, in the '80s -- did you not hear about all the ladies who lost their jobs when the jewelry manufacturing plants like Coro closed? Or did that news not travel down to your fancy pants boarding school?) It has to do with the fact that women are now far more able to survive without needing to marry a man they don't want to marry. We're not willing to give any of that up. If you want men to be more "marriageable," start by telling them to ignore everything you've ever said and encourage them to be kind, funny, smart people with something to offer a woman besides their bank account.
But I'll let you continue:
A mob of angry children is suddenly in charge of the country. These aren't people seeking a revolution. They're fighting for the status quo to protect their own status. They're drunk on power and looking for new people to hurt.
Someday, we're going to look back on this moment with shame and horror.
But we should remember that terror only works if we play along with it. So, what if we decided not to. What if all of us decided to tell the truth about something, every day, in public?
What would happen then? What could they do about it? They can't punish everybody. We're the majority. Let's try that.
Oh those flappers and their jazz cigarettes! Those beatniks and their berets and unitards! Those hippies and their free love! Those punks and their mean songs about Ronald Reagan! Always terrorizing the Tucker Carlsons of the world by changing the rules on them. Suddenly it's like Patti Page and Johnny Mathis are not even cool anymore.
Tucker, you need to relax. I promise you, you can go on being as horrid and extremely out of touch as you like. You can even be extremely racist and extremely sexist and spend all day every day yelling at me and all the other ladies to please get back in the kitchen for the good of all humanity. You can shout "Lawrence Welk, now that was real music" into the void until your voice is hoarse. You can do all those things! But you don't get to do them unchallenged -- because unfortunately for you, you were born too late to attain all the social power that once came with being a rich white douchebag named Tucker.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse