Is Tucker Malfunctioning? Is It The Woke Banks' Fault? Can Somebody Restart Tucker?

On Tucker Carlson's show last night, he said that January 6 is "second only to the 2020 election as the biggest scam in my lifetime."

We feel like those kinds of lies lose their bite now that we have 100 percent confirmation that Tucker Carlson is the biggest scam of our lives, and that he knows he is lying to his viewers. That he hates Donald Trump. Tucker publicly admitted once that he lies when he feels cornered, and we replied at the time that the poor guy must just be feeling like a terrified animal every time he goes on the TV. But these texts and emails revealed by the Dominion Voting Systems suit tell us so much more.

We know that one of his producers compared dealing with people skeptical of the 2020 election results as akin to "negotiating with terrorists, but especially dumb ones. Cousin fucking types not saudi royalty.”

Tucker knows he's lying.

That said, his show last night was bugfuck, even for him, and reading his monologue it's hard to tell whether he's lying or feeling cornered or sniffing glue or what even is going on. Even those whose job it is to watch his show in real time, who do this every night, were likehuh?

Like we said.

Here is our attempt to summarize the text, to follow the bouncing Tucker and the misfiring synapses and see if we can decipher what the hell his point was. Obviously the subject was Woke Gay Homosexual Transgender Pronoun Banks Black Lives Matters Ukraine.

1. Politicians held guns to people's heads and made them lock down for COVID and that made the internet very rich.

2. It was not possible for Silicon Valley Bank to loan its riches out, so it and all the other woke banks invested hundreds of millions of dollars in "woke" instead.

3. Why did Signature Bank fail? "We could give you the technical, math-based answer, but here's the real reason," said Tucker to his viewers he lies to. (Here's a good explainer why the two banks failed.)

4. Why did Signature Bank fail? Because Barney Frank is on the board and Barney Frank is gay. Here is a video of Signature Bank doing woke transgender gay pronoun things.

TUCKER: This video is from last December, just months before Signature Bank slipped beneath the waves, and the Pride Council in question, as you will see in a moment, featured a self-described gender-queer, transmasculine person called Finn Brigham, who arrived to teach employees about pronoun use.

5. Tucker spent several long sentences making fun of the pronoun expert, because Tucker has well-documented masculinity issues.

6. How did Signature Bank have the money to pay its trans pronoun expert? Trans pronoun experts are very expensive! It had a lot of money because the feds printed all the money.

7. Signature Bank made a woke music video with its trans pronoun printed Fed money.

8. Lots of banks make woke music videos with their trans pronoun printed Fed money.

9. The board of Silicon Valley Bank were "silly rich ladies." They did a lot of "fashionable rich girl politics" there. They didn't do much banking.

10. "[G]uess someone should've been paying attention, but no, they're visiting Shinto shrines to make dance party with the pronouns."

11. The risk management person for Silicon Valley Bank UK said they are a "queer person of color from a working-class background." WHAT A NARCISSIST.

12. Banks are bad when they try to support Black-owned businesses or try to help Hispanic communities. What is this, a MORAL LECTURE FROM A BANK?

13. Occupy Wall Street seemed real, unlike Black Lives Matter, which is fake.

14. Silicon Valley Bank loves Black Lives Matter.

15. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is friends with banks.

16. "So, we're getting moral lectures from the banks and we're getting a lecture on capitalism from some Ukrainian oligarch in a sweatshirt. OK, now."

17. THE END! Seriously, that was the end of the monologue. All finished!

What have we learned?

No for real, does anybody know what we've learned? Because we feel like the little insecure Caucasian Klan-hoodie AI demon who writes Tucker's monologues (allegedly!) might have brain syphilis or something. (Two allegedlies!)

Or maybe that was just a fluid explanation of the economics of bank collapses and we are the dumb ones.

We report, you decide.

Have some video!

[Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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