Again, the only Tucker Carlson illustration you ever need.

On "The Tucker Carlson Smile-Time Caucasian Anxiety Jamboree" last night, Tucker Carlson used the occasion of John Lewis's funeral to warn Americans that the radical Left — or the "professional Left," because what's the point of being a commie if it's not profitable — is on a quest to totally seize power and destroy America. In other words, it was exactly like every other unhinged Tucker Carlson rant about how evil leftists are about to seize absolute power and destroy America.

But this time, you see, it was different, because just as we all loved seeing Barack Obama talking like a real president when he eulogized John Lewis yesterday, Tucker Carlson got to take a trip down memory lane too! Except his nostalgia for the Obama years meant he got the chance to once again call the former president "one of the sleaziest and most dishonest figures in the history of American politics," because — egad! — Obama said that the murder of George Floyd was a bad thing.

Guess we're not the only ones who miss Obama.


Carlson's attack on Obama was part of yet another tirade about how The Left is the greatest threat to America today. We have to say, though, Carlson's paranoid tendencies seemed even more dire than usual, possibly because he sees Donald Trump's presidency about to be flushed and he's working to prepare his viewers to reject the loss, since there's no way Trump can lose in a fair fight. So he explained yet again that protests over police brutality have nothing to do with Black lives mattering; they're just a smokescreen for the plot against America:


None of what you are watching is about civil rights. Violence and race baiting are the enemies of civil rights. What you're watching instead is a power grab that's been coordinated by the most ruthless and cynical figures in American politics.

They don't want you to know what they're doing, they're not honorable enough to state their intentions. They're not like you at all.

Ah, there's the Radio Rwanda talk we know and loathe! Get your machetes sharpened!

Carlson goes on farting out similar gaslighting, describing how the Left is full of professional liars and manipulators who "accuse you of the crimes they themselves have committed" and seek to win arguments not by the sweet light of reason, but by domination:

Arguing with them is pointless because they're nihilists, they don't believe in the existence of truth or the fixed meaning of words. They care only about power.

Says the man who has never made a good faith argument in his Fox News career, and who has been known to use deceptive editing now and again. Also, nihilists? Fuck me!

Speaking of manipulative and cynical, Carlson then confessed that it's "painful to say this, it hurts to admit there are people in our country who are like this, but there are, and they have more power than ever." But he has to. Even though it just tears him up to say it, he has little other choice than to tell you the Truth: Barack Obama is a cynical monster who'd use a funeral just to make cheap political points, which of course is why Carlson cynically slammed Obama's eulogy to make his own cheap political points.

"Barack Obama showed up at Congressman John Lewis's funeral today. [Yep, the former president just "showed up" and delivered the eulogy. Who let him in, one wonders — Dok] Obama claimed he was there to eulogize his own friend but that's not true and that's not what he did. Instead Obama gave a divisive and deeply dishonest campaign speech in church.

Carlson then played an extensive, seconds-long clip of Obama calling for an end to partisan gerrymandering — see, he even said "partisan!" — and getting rid of the filibuster to do it if need be. Well! Carlson was aghast! And how dare Barack Obama try to sound Black, which he clearly isn't, since he's actually from the foreign land of Hawaii.

It's hard to believe that clip is real, but it is, down to the cloying fake accent, Mr. Hawaii guy. But take three steps back — imagine if some greasy politician showed up at your loved one's funeral and started throwing around stupid partisan talking points about Senate procedure. Can you imagine that? You would be shocked if that happened. You'd probably walk out.

Yeah, how crazy it was to talk about expanding voting rights at the funeral of a guy whose fight for voting rights lasted more than 55 years, and who got his skull cracked while marching for voting rights in Selma, leading to the passage of the Voting Rights Act. The nerve of that crazy Obama. Carlson continued:

Desecrating a funeral with campaign slogans? What kind of person would do that? But Democrats in the audience didn't seem offended, they didn't blink, they cheered. It all seemed normal to them and why wouldn't it? Political power is their religion. It's not out of place in a church, it's what they worship. People who will politicize a funeral will do anything and they're trying to.

See? Democrats are completely abnormal. They're not like you. They're not like you at all. And while the delusional power-hungry mob in Atlanta's Ebenezer Baptist Church may have thought they heard Barack Obama talking about perfecting the ideals of America by making sure all Americans can participate and shape that democracy, Carlson knew it was all a sham, about seizing power through the sleaziest means possible: citizens speaking up and voting. The horror.

Mind you, John Lewis was even more horrifyingly partisan than even Obama, because before his death, he'd arranged to have the New York Times run an op-ed the day of his funeral, in which Lewis implores us to "redeem the soul of our nation" through political action. What sort of monster would use his own funeral to make a political statement? Only someone who worships power — from beyond the grave.

Disgusted by Obama's horrifying desecration of a funeral with hyper-partisan political slogans ("this country is a constant work in progress" and "a more perfect union"), Carlson went on to explain, in the calmest, most nonpartisan way possible, what that funeral was really all about:

Democrats are working systematically to dismantle the core institutions of American life. Beginning with the family and with faith. They're subverting the core system in our government, the justice system.

Probably through appointing an attorney general who's a yes-man for the president and then going after his political enemies while helping out his cronies.

They're nullifying laws, burning police stations, attacking courthouses, working to eliminate the legal equality of American citizens, the foundation of it all.

Hello, Tucker, have you met Stephen Miller, the greatest twister of laws ever? Or his boss, who thinks he can change laws without Congress? But yeah, a police precinct did get torched during rioting in Minneapolis, so that's far worse than the wholesale elimination of a functional federal government during a pandemic.

Also, thank goodness Carlson warned us about cynical manipulators who "accuse you of the crimes they themselves have committed," because look at this shit:

They've systematically repurposed federal law enforcement agencies as political weapons. They have imprisoned their political opponents. Their leaders have called for making all these changes permanent by packing the Supreme Court, packing the United States Senate, packing the electorate itself by importing tens of millions of new voters.

Oh, thank goodness, we finally got the Brown Hordes of Mexicans Who Have Too Many Babies in there. Wouldn't want to forget them.

Mind you, Carlson knows his viewers will understand that the politicized federal law enforcement agency he's talking about is the supposedly liberal FBI, not the actual head-busting soldiercops in Portland. The "imprisoned political enemies" are felons like Michael Flynn and Paul Manafort, who were prosecuted by Donald Trump's own Justice Department — not demonstrators scooped up off the streets by unidentified federal agents, and certainly not brown children stolen from their parents and put in cages. And oh dear, the court packing, which has nothing to do with cramming Federalist Society judges onto the federal courts, or Mitch McConnell refusing to let Merrick Garland have a hearing.

In conclusion, fuck Tucker Carlson, the greasiest political hack ever, and as a palate cleanser, let's once more enjoy John Lewis dancing like nobody's watching.


[New York Times]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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