How many quiet parts can Tucker Carlson say really loudly in one night? Try this one on for size.

TUCKER CARLSON: Everyone is welcome under this tent. They're all invited, except the white supremacists and the QAnon people and anyone else who disagrees with anything we say. They're all going to jail, but the rest are more than welcome to stay and obey our commands. It was that kind of night, festive, good-hearted, magnanimous.

Won't somebody make the white supremacists and the QAnon people feel included?

As with everything involving Tucker Carlson, context just makes it stupider and more offensive.


The clip above starts out so well, with a question America really can agree on: "In what version of quote meritocracy can someone like Chuck Todd get rich and famous? Dumb and conventional now passes as impressive? It's insulting." And for the first time in our lives, we looked at Tucker Carlson and said, "OK, with you so far!"

But then the worm turned, and Tucker somehow made his way to whining that white supremacists and QAnon people aren't welcome in the Democrat Media Complex's Big Tent. According to known truth seeker Tucker Carlson, all the media that is not Fox is just paid to lie constantly. (About Tucker Carlson, remember, a real judge noted that Fox News lawyers had argued "persuasively" to her that "any reasonable viewer 'arrive[s] with an appropriate amount of skepticism' about the statements he makes.")

Tucker then played clips of people on MSNBC saying nice things about Kamala Harris, which are all, we guess, to Tucker, just factcheck false. We don't know if it's because Vice President Harris is Black, but we're trying to have an appropriate amount of skepticism about the statements he makes, like the judge told us.

This led to Tucker playing a clip of CNN's Don Lemon being genuinely overjoyed after the election, which we guess was also a mainstream media lie, in response to which Tucker bitched that white supremacists and QAnon aren't included in the Big Tent. Totally normal Tucker commentary!

How about this Tucker quote from last night?

TUCKER CARLSON: Once again, COVID restrictions aren't just about COVID. Any more than Donald Trump's impeachment was just about Donald Trump or BLM's ongoing campaign to end the nuclear family was ever about George Floyd.

Oh boy. Everything's a conspiracy, isn't it, Tucker? COVID restrictions aren't about keeping people safe, they're about fascist control. Trump's impeachment wasn't about Trump, it was about ... who knows, "cancel culture" probably. And for white racists, Black Lives Matter is a conspiracy to destroy the nuclear (white) family. Gotcha. To be clear, the "Black Lives Matter wants to destroy the nuclear family" thing is one of the racist right's Big Lies about BLM, relying on one out-of-context quote that used to be on its website. To believe this particular lie, we think you need to be pretty willfully ignorant and racist.

Sometimes Tucker doesn't say the quiet parts loud by himself. Sometimes he lets one of his guests do it. Here is Heather Mac Donald, who is ... some right-wing asshole, doesn't matter ... proffering what she thinks is a gotcha "own the libs!" question from an op-ed she recently published in Newsweek. (This was actually Monday night, but it's insane, so fuck it.)

HEATHER MAC DONALD: On the one hand as Biden said during the campaign, as he said in his inauguration speech, as he said since then: America is lethally racist, on the other hand we should break down every single reasonable, common sensical immigration control in order to bring in legally and illegally as many third world immigrants of color as possible. Both positions cannot be true. If Biden believes that Black children are at risk of getting shot every time they step outside, we should not be bringing more Black children into this country. This is an opportunity for Republicans, Tucker, to call them out on this.

Wait, what is the opportunity for Republicans, Tucker, to call them out on? To keep Black immigrant children out of America? To OWN THE LIBS by saying that if America is so racist, why can't we keep all these Black immigrant kids out of America, for their own safety, obviously? Heather Mac Donald is a conservative "think tank" person, and this is just some really clever "thinking." Because in the conservative squirrel brain, liberals couldn't possibly both think America is full of systemic racism and also want to fix it and make it as safe as possible for Black immigrant children coming to America for a better life than what they had before.

Fuck it, it's just white supremacist bullshit, no reason to try to diagram their sentences.

Finally, and back to Tuesday, it wouldn't be Tucker Carlson if it didn't just go weird as hell at some point. Tucker has a new obvious projection conspiracy theory about Joe and Jill Biden's marriage. Did you know their marriage, and their obvious love and affection for each other, are not real, but just rather an elaborate 44-year-long PR stunt? That is a reasonable thing to believe, maybe, if you were not hugged as a child and have never experienced real intimacy or touched your marital spouse's genitals, allegedly:

TUCKER: At the heart of this great American family is a love story. One man, one woman, and the fires of passion that changed the course of our history! Not since Antony dined with Cleopatra in downtown Antioch — before they killed themselves obviously — has a country witnessed a love story as moving as poignant as Jill and Joe's. No, ladies and gentlemen, Jill Biden is not Joe's caretaker, she isn't his nurse. She is his fully equal romantic partner. Together they are like besotted teens, yet at the same time they are the wise and knowing parents of a nation. [...]

So it's official, the Bidens' affection is totally real. It's in no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president's senility by misdirection. [Right here Tucker's voice shrieks up a few octaves, like it does.] Not at all! Their love is as real as climate change!

Spoken by a true guy who's never actually been around two old people who've been together forever who are in love. Guess Black Lives Matter destroyed all the nuclear families Tucker had growing up. (Allegedly.)

Wonkette will have more on this new obviously very true story about the Bidens' obviously fake sham marriage later today, because just like Tucker said above, the media lies constantly and makes up fake love stories about the Bidens, while ignoring the consistently lusty heat between Donald and Melania Trump.

Donald Trump No GIF by Election 2020 Giphy

Yep.

[Media Matters / ibid. / ibid.]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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