Today, President Joe Biden is set to announce new CDC guidelines for wearing masks outside. We dunno what he's going to say, but we can be confident it's based on science, because we once again have a presidential administration that cares about science.

But Tucker Carlson has opinions. And on Monday evening, he went on a truly batshit rant, even for him, about how if you see a kid wearing a mask outside, you should CALL THE COPS and have that child removed from its parents, because the child is clearly being abused. (Right now, the CDC says kids over two years old should wear masks "when in public and when around people they don't live with." Thoughts and prayers to all of you with children.)

Tucker also said a really bizarre thing about how people wearing masks are just like grown men showing him their peeners. Which ... we'll work our way to that.

Unsurprisingly, he started with a deep meandering promenade into his own apparent insecurities, before he got to the weird child abuse comments. He of course delivered it in his usual shriek-y high-pitched way, because whenever Tucker gets upset he sounds like he's coming down with a case of puberty.



TUCKER: Masks have always been incompatible with a free society. We used to know that. Masks strip people of their identity as individuals. Masks transform people from citizens into drones. They isolate us, they alienate us, they shut us off from one another. Masks prevent intimacy and human contact. If I can't see your face, I can't know you. Masks are for the guilty. They're signifiers of shame and submission.

All of this is just a really interesting look into Tucker Carlson's intimacy issues, really. And his shame issues.

Because it's always projection with his type of little white man. Always.

TUCKER: The only people who wear masks voluntarily outside are zealots and neurotics. How neurotic are they? Well, we know! A Pew survey from last March found that 64 percent of white Americans who classify themselves as "liberal" or "very liberal" have been diagnosed with an actual mental health condition!

You will be shocked to learn that Tucker appears to be misinterpreting a GOTCHA! story going around the rightwing interwebs right now about how liberals are obviously mentally ill, which itself is a selective read of actual Pew research published at the beginning of the pandemic. Apparently Tucker thinks that if 38 percent of "very liberal" white people self-report that a doctor has ever told them they have a mental health condition, and 26 percent of "liberal" white people self-report the same, then you can add 38 and 26 and say 64 percent of white liberals are mentally ill.

Tucker the Science Guy, folks.

(Liberals are probably more likely to seek treatment for mental health issues, we are just guessing. Maybe Tucker should call somebody. Could help!)

Back to masks and how they scare Tucker:

TUCKER: And you see them everywhere when you walk down the street in any major city. If you dare to go on foot from Union Station to the Capitol in Washington DC without wearing a mask, angry Biden voters will snort at you in judgment. "How could you!" they're saying from behind the gauze.

They may be doing that because you're Tucker Carlson.

TUCKER: How could YOU? That's the question we should be asking of them in return! The rest of us should be snorting at THEM first, they're the aggressors!

Tucker is being victimized again, you guys.

TUCKER: So the next time you see someone in a mask on the sidewalk or on the bike path, do not hesitate. Ask politely but firmly, 'Would you please take off your mask? Science shows there is no reason for you to be wearing it. Your mask is making me uncomfortable. We should do that and we should keep doing it until wearing a mask outside is roughly as socially accepted as lighting a Marlboro on an elevator.

Tucker is telling his viewers to accost and harass people in public who are wearing masks, and to actually say out loud that the reason is because it makes Tucker them uncomfortable.

Tucker finally got around to the child abuse section, where he wants us to call the cops if we see kids wearing masks outside:

CARLSON: As for forcing children to wear masks outside, that should be illegal. Your response when you see children wearing masks as they play should be no different from your response to seeing someone beat a kid in Walmart. Call the police immediately. Contact Child Protective Services. Keep calling until someone arrives. What you're looking at is abuse, it's child abuse and you are morally obligated to attempt to prevent it. If it's your own children being abused, then act accordingly.

OK.

As Mediaite notes, it got REALLY weird later on — because it wasn't weird enough yet — when Tucker hosted Matt Walsh, a guy who quite frankly reminds us a lot of Tucker when it comes to wearing one's masculine insecurities on his sleeve.

Surprise, they beat their chests and affirmed each other about their shared discomfort with masks, in a mutually masturbatory game of "No YOU'RE the real man!"


WALSH: I was in Austin a few days ago and I'm walking outside without a mask on and people are staring at me like I'm the crazy one for not having a mask on. Meanwhile if you're walking outside with a mask on, I should be looking at you, and I do look at you like I would look at a grown man hugging a teddy bear and having a pacifier in his mouth while he's walking down the street. This is your security blanket. There's no reason for you to have it on. You're just afraid. You're afraid of fresh air. That's what's happening. People are afraid to breathe air and we're making it so that kids are afraid of air too and that's insane to me.

Walsh sees people outside wearing masks and they make him feel big and strong and tough and macho, or at least he tells himself that's how they make him feel. You watch the video and tell us if Matt Walsh comes across as big and strong and tough and macho.

And that's when Tucker made it EVEN weirder:

CARLSON: I agree with you completely. I would even actually up the analogy and say a vaccinated person, someone with the antibodies wearing a mask outside is like watching a grown man expose himself in public. "That's disgusting, put it away please. We don't do that here."

Oh good heavens.

Did Tucker really just say that? Yes, yes he did. He said "we don't do that here" and said masks remind him of grown men showing him their peener.

What's wrong, Tucker? Gonna leave and go get a buddy so you can come back and beat up the disgusting mask person in the bathroom, since he's just like a grown man exposing his peener in public to you? Gonna slam his head against a bathroom stall, like you bragged about doing to a gay guy?

WHATCHA GONNA DO, MISTER BIG MAN, MISTER "DAN WHITE SOCIETY," WHATCHA GONNA DO?

These men would be funny if they weren't so sad. Or sad if they weren't so funny. One of the two.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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