DRAAAAAAAG HERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. A Post About Tulsi Gabbard!
Before the vote on articles of impeachment against Donald J. Trump was taken in the House Wednesday night, Tulsi Gabbard telegraphed that she just couldn't decide. What if we just did a meaningless, toothless censure instead, as she suggested, and then T-Gabs could go back to New Hampshire and pretend like she's running for the Democratic nomination while playing Dungeons & Dragons against Hillary Clinton on Twitter? Wouldn't that be better than a big nasty impeachment where T-Gabs would have to make the very hard decision to say "Trump is a criminal who should be impeached" like a common actual Democrat?
Last night, we got Gabbard's decision. Spoiler, it was not a decision. She went all the way to Washington so she could march into that room and do her constitutional duty ... by voting "present."
Bet she wouldn't have voted "present" if it was Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad.
Trump, though? Ehhhhhhh. On the one hand yes, Tulsi Gabbard supposes that Trump is bad. On the other hand, we don't actually know who's supporting Tulsi's candidacy beyond Russian bots and Russian state TV, and they don't support the impeachment of Trump, plus a lot of Gabbard's pals like Tucker Carlson and Mike Huckabee don't support impeachment and that is just HARD CHOICES! Also Hard Choices is a book written by Tulsi Gabbard's imaginary nemesis Hillary Clinton, which means Tulsi Gabbard must by default and by definition reject them!
So yes, she put on her robe and her wizard hat and ... voted "present."
What a fucking coward. Like, no matter who she's really trying to please here, and we honestly don't know, what a fucking coward. Wanna be a MAGA troll Trump supporter, Tulsi? Fine do that. Wanna be an actual Democrat not really but kinda sorta at least for the purposes of convincing a couple of idiots in New Hampshire that you actually are a participant in the fight against this president? Then do that.
But nope. She is "present." Nancy Pelosi said to vote your conscience, and we guess Tulsi Gabbard, perhaps noticing that she didn't particularly have one, couldn't really follow that simple instruction.
"Follow your heart, Tulsi!"
"DOY DOY DOY DOY PRESENT!111!!"
There was a statement attached to Gabbard's votes neither for nor against both articles of impeachment. It was a bad statement.
After doing my due diligence in reviewing the 658-page impeachment report, I came to the conclusion that I could not in good conscience vote either yes or no.
I am standing in the center and have decided to vote Present.
[Blah blah words words words]
A house divided cannot stand. And today we are divided. Fragmentation and polarity are ripping our country apart. This breaks my heart, and breaks the hearts of all patriotic Americans, whether we are Democrats, Republicans or Independents.
So today, I come before you to make a stand for the center, to appeal to all of you to bridge our differences and stand up for the American people.
My vote today is a vote for much needed reconciliation and hope that together we can heal our country.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha fuck off.
Much like Tulsi Gabbard claims to be anti-war, but lies about the actual conflicts America is engaged in and doesn't particularly seem to be anti-war if it kills Muslims precisely and without any American risk, and much like she claims to be pro-LGBT, but yet confirmed as recently as 2015 that she still holds anti-gay views, but just doesn't want to force her beliefs on others like the Muslims do, Gabbard last night took a bold stand for overcooked wet noodles everywhere, by not particularly taking any bold stands either way.
All of this just leads us to ask WHO THE FUCK IS TULSI GABBARD TRYING TO APPEAL TO?
If, as Hillary Clinton said, Gabbard is an unwitting tool of the Russians and/or the Republicans, she's doing bad job. Aside from some of the supposedly "leftist" Twitter trolls who Michael Tracey onto her every word, the Sanders people aren't into this. Liberals and moderate Democrats aren't into this. And no matter what Tulsi Gabbard thinks, and no matter how many Trump-loving mouth-breathers in Breitbart and Fox News comments sections produce starbursts in their pants when Gabbard goes on Tucker Carlson, those people aren't switching from Trump to her.
WHO THE FUCK TULSI WHO THE FUCK?
Gabbard will not be at the Democratic debate tonight -- she decided to pre-boycott the party she probably wasn't getting an invitation to in the first place -- but we hope at least a few of the candidates draaaaaaaaag her in her absence.
After that ... well, she's running out of money (see: BAD AT THIS), so maybe we'll never have to talk about her ever again, THE END.
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