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On Monday, Tulsi Gabbard threw down the gauntlet in the Democratic primary that exists entirely in her mind, in which she is fighting Hillary Clinton to the death either for the Democratic nomination, or maybe for possession of a secret key that grants #InfinityPower to the person lucky enough to possess it. After Gabbard threw down said gauntlet, Hillary reportedly kind of looked at it and immediately went back to reading her book or making chili or giving a speech on children's healthcare, you know, whatever she was doing at the time.

Gabbard has sent Clinton A LETTER. And not just any letter! It is a LIST OF DEMANDS.


As you might imagine, Gabbard is still recovering from the wound she suffered when Hillary Clinton randomly offered on a podcast that the Russians are super stoked about SOMEBODY'S candidacy (they are) and that the Republicans are grooming SOMEBODY to be a third party spoiler candidate intended to help Donald Trump win re-election (they are). Also, if you read the full transcript, it also kinda sounded like Clinton was saying Russia was grooming that candidate. (If it's what you say, they'd love it, especially later in the summer!) Asked if she was talking about Tulsi Gabbard, Clinton spokesdude Nick Merrill said, "if the nesting doll fits."

Ever since (this has been going on damn near a month now), Tulsi Gabbard has been riding a white horse around a stadium and brandishing a large battle-axe (the stadium has been abandoned for years) wearing a robe and a wizard hat, demanding that Hillary Clinton show up and fight her.

Hillary Clinton has not shown up to fight her.

Giphy

Wanna see the letter, because you are a person who likes to start out your Tuesday with a good belly laugh?

In this first excerpt, Gabbard "addresses" the confusion over whether Hillz said Tulsi was a Russian asset, or whether she just said the Russians just really love her, and whether it's the Russians or the Republicans who are grooming Gabbard to run third party. (By the way, "asset" doesn't necessarily mean Gabbard is actively working for the Russians. It can just mean "useful idiot." Keep in mind as we read this "useful idiot" letter that words have meanings.) Gabbard correctly points out that Nick Merrill's thing about the "nesting doll" made it pretty clear Hillary was calling Gabbard a big Russian tool. However, Gabbard runs off the road when she says Hillary tried to retroactively change her testimony podcast chit-chat and act like she said "Republicans-not-Russians," arguing that "spin developed only after you realized the defamatory nature of your statement, and therefore your legal liability, as well as the full extent of the public backlash against your statement."

Okeydoke.

This next excerpt is where the letter gets really good. This is where Gabbard nails her 99 feces to the church door like a common Martin Luther who couldn't stop pooping that day:

In making the statement, you knew it was false. Congresswoman Gabbard is not a Russian asset and is not being groomed by Russia. Besides your statement, no law enforcement agencies have claimed, much less presented any evidence, that Congresswoman Gabbard is a Russian asset. This fabricated story is so facially improbable that it is actionable as defamation.

OK.

In light of this, we demand that you immediately hold a press conference ...

Hillary Clinton ... hold a press conference ... about Tulsi Gabbard? Sure thing.

to verbally retract -- in full -- your comments. We also demand that you immediately publish this full and fair retraction on the twitter [sic] account @HillaryClinton, and distribute it to CNN, Fox News [make sure Tucker gets a copy - ed.], MSNBC, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and the Washington Post:

Yes, that's a colon at the end, because Gabbard wrote the statement already. Here is what she requests NAY DEMANDS Hillary Clinton say in a press conference that is definitely going to happen:

"On October 17, 2019, I made certain statements about Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard. Among other things, I accused her of being a Russian asset and that Russia was grooming her to be a third-party presidential candidate.

I was wrong. I never should have made these remarks, and I apologize. I did not have any basis for making the statements. I acknowledge my grave mistake and error and judgment in this matter.

I support and admire the work that Congresswoman Gabbard has done and will continue to do in serving our country.

SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT TULSI, HILLARY! SAY IT! SAY THE STUFF LIKE YOU MEAN IT!

And if Hillary doesn't? Dunno, but however Tulsi Gabbard decides to retaliate, we'll probably laugh a lot.

This letter is really Kremlin-y, don't you think? At least in an extremely amateur way? It's like "Call me a Russian asset? I will SHOW you a Russian asset! I will even prepare some borscht and Borodinsky bread so I can PUT YOUR FACE IN IT."

The next Democratic debate, which Tulsi Gabbard has unfortunately qualified for, is November 20.

The next debate between Tulsi Gabbard and Hillary Clinton is on live TV right now in Gabbard's wonderful funderful world of make-believe, though, allegedly, so you might want to back away slowly if you see her walking down the street, just to be safe.

[Gabbard letter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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