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During the first Democratic primary debate last night, this tweet came out of Tulsi Gabbard's official account.

Wow, that is exactly what you should do during the first debate of the Democratic primary. Declare the whole thing rigged for Elizabeth Warren because you perceive that your candidate is not getting enough time to talk during an absolutely batshit rapid-fire debate where 10 people are all on the stage jockeying for attention. People just love that shit. Ratio, thy name is "Tulsi Gabbard's Sister."

Of course, that doesn't matter because according to the science pollsters over at Drudge -- that's right, the science pollsters -- Tulsi Gabbard was the CLEAR WINNER of last night's debate, we guess because for some weird reason fascists really like her. Elizabeth Warren came in second, followed by the two loud white men on the ends, John Delaney and Bill de Blasio, in third and fourth places respectively, so obviously Drudge has its finger on the pulse of the primary.

Gabbard won the most important Democratic primary voter who ever lived:

Well, when you have Ann Coulter in your corner, can you possibly lose? (Yes.)

Let's briefly talk about what else happened.


Speaking of the loud white men on the ends, what loud white men they were! Of course, candidates who are polling at "Their Mom" percent (unless their mom decides to go with Elizabeth Warren or Joe Biden, which is probable) have to do something to get noticed on the debate stage, so those two guys decided just to yell and interrupt whenever they had an opportunity. De Blasio was better at it than Delaney, the angry bumbling sitcom dad of the debate, and we think people might actually perk up and pay a little bit more attention to De Blasio's candidacy after last night. Hell, he was one of the only candidates to loudly mention Russian interference in our election, and he managed to send a thrill up Chris Matthews's inner thigh, which as we all know is the only one true metric of success in politics. However, it was kind of strange when he started saying he understands black folks the best, because he a black son, with Cory Booker standing RIGHT THERE.

Cory Booker, by the way, also won the most important Democratic primary voter who ever lived, or at least his sexxx eyes did:

John Delaney, yelling from the other end, said he understands family separation the best because his family had gotten separated. (At the mall, they said they'd all meet by the fountain, but mom was still at Kirkland's browsing breakables. JUST KIDDING, it was an Ellis Island thing.) Honestly, the most significant thing we remember about Delaney's performance was that he was pretty sure the time limits didn't apply to him, a notion moderator Rachel Maddow disabused him of early and often.

But enough about the loud white men.

Elizabeth Warren also won the most important Democratic primary voter who ever did live, or at least her milky creamy skin did:

Warren was, of course, strong right out the gate, and she stayed on her message of how America works really only for people at the tippy top of the wealth scale, and not so much for everybody else. She absolutely held her own as a frontrunner, at least among last night's grouping. Perception is everything, of course, which is why some people on Twitter seem to think Warren was robbed of all her rightful time to speak, whereas others seem to be under the impression that Warren was the only candidate afforded the ability to speak at all, therefore #RIGGED.

Out of all the questions asked, Warren did make some news when she was one of only two candidates to raise her hand and say she would happily give up her private insurance as part of a Medicare For All replacement plan. (The other was De Blasio.) The merits of that will be debated to death over the next many months, but SOME ARE SAYING that she might have accidentally made a campaign commercial against herself, because the idea of losing private insurance scares a lot of people. OTHERS ARE SAYING "yeah well actually private insurance sucks, so she is of course right, like she always is." Whose argument will win? ALL OF THEM KATIE? We guess we just will have to wait and see.

Our favorite Elizabeth Warren moment of the debate was when she was asked if she had a plan for dealing with Mitch McConnell's rank obstructionist ass, and she smiled confidently into the camera and said, "I do."

She also spoke like a human being about kids and guns.

None of that matters, of course, because Donny Deutsch, AKA America's most ancient oracle, said last night on MSNBC that if Warren is the nominee, we will lose "48 states." As a counterpoint to that, Lawrence O'Donnell called him a stupid dumb fucking idiot to his face, and Deutsch threw a temper tantrum right there on the TV. It was more riveting than anything that happened during the debate:

This is Beto O'Rourke. He is gonna Spanish the fuck out of you so hard all night long.

And he did! Beto spoke Spanish a whole lot of times! Like, when he was asked "Do you support a 70 percent marginal tax rate on the wealthy?" He Spanished! (And did not answer the question otherwise!)

After a while, it seemed like Julián Castro was intentionally speaking Spanish just so he could do it before Beto did. In FACT, the only real fisticuffs last night came from Beto and Castro, who seems to have decided that if he, a Latino candidate from Texas, has a chance in this thing, he has to knock Beto, a Texan who speaks Spanish early and often, out of the ring. So it was that they got into a fight over a particular detail of immigration law, and the question of whether the very act of crossing the border illegally should be a criminal offense. Castro says no, it needs to be just a civil offense. (Warren agrees.) Beto says WHAT ABOUT HUMAN TRAFFICKERS AND DRUGGERS? Castro says we already have laws against that.

Anyway, they had an argument and they are probably going to have some more arguments, because it is a primary, and sometimes when two Texan Democrats love each other very much but disagree on minor details of immigration policy, they have to have a little minor Texan Fisticuffs Event every now and again. It's fine! It's healthy! It's democracy!

Julian Castro To Beto O'Rourke: 'I Think You Should Do Your Homework' On Immigration Laws | NBC News www.youtube.com

Indeed, LOTS of people went after Beto. It was a little bit odd, but whatever, kid's table debate gonna kid's table debate.

Amy Klobuchar had a cool moment when she got LI'L BIT PERTURBED by Jay Inslee's assertion that he was the only person on that stage to have passed a law protecting women's reproductive health. While that is cool and all, Klobuchar wanted to remind everyone that there were three women on that stage who have done a HELL OF A LOT about reproductive rights, SHE IS JUST SAYING YOU IDIOT.

Amy Klobuchar Spars with Jay Inslee www.youtube.com

As for Inslee, he was lovely and sexy and climate change-y, drawing attention to the fact that he's the only candidate in the race who has made that priority one, or, as Beto O'Rourke would say, PRIORITY NUMERO UNO LA CUCARACHA LA BAMBA. And Inslee set himself apart in another way, because he was the only one to grab a moment nobody else grabbed the entire debate. The candidates were asked the "What is the greatest geopolitical threat to America" question, and Inslee was the only one to say IT'S DONALD TRUMP, YOU IDIOTS. This is the got-damn Democratic primary, people, get with the program, FUCK.

AND THE CROWD ROARED.

And that is a brief recap of what happened last night. We probably missed some parts. We probably have forgotten some candidates entirely already! (Hi, Tim Ryan. It's not that we forgot you, it's more that we just didn't want to.) And dagNABBIT, we have to do this fuckin' rigamarole all over again tonight, dagNABBIT.

FUCK.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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