Turns Out It's Easier To Raise Money When Your Candidate Isn't A Steaming Pile Of Hot Garbage

How the hell do you spend $423 million in 19 days?

Team Biden is about to find out. Last night the campaign announced a whopping $383 million raised last month, with $423 million cash on hand for the closing stretch. That's Texas money. That's Georgia money. Thats A METRIC FUCKTON OF MONEY.

Republicans are getting their asses kicked up and down the ballot in the money race. ActBlue just announced that it processed $1.5 BILLION worth of donations in the third quarter, averaging just $47 per transaction. Over at the GOP, where Jared Kushner and Brad Parscale forced Republicans to adopt their WinRed platform, third quarter donations amounted to ... $623.5 million. Which is less, and also hilarious.

What the hell is Jaime Harrison going to do with $57 million in South Carolina? Dunno, but it's worth it to see Lindsey Graham drowning in a puddle of flop sweat as he panhandles for cash.

"Help me. They're killing me moneywise. Help me. You did last week. Help me again," he whined on Sean Hannity's Goat Blowing Rodeo Show last month.

Last night he was back to complain some more. "The unpardonable sin in politics is to help Donald Trump. My opponent has raised $57 million, the most in the history of the United States Senate, because they want to take me out. Lindsey-Graham-Dot-Com, help me close the gap." And by "close the gap" he means "Help, help, I got outraised by $29 million last quarter!"

"Barbra Streisand is trying to get you thrown out of South Carolina, and I guess Rosie O'Donnell, too, right?" joked Hannity. Because Sean Hannity is nothing if not subtle.

Oh, look, here's Senator Graham soliciting campaign funds in a federal building in violation of federal election law. Neat!

It's only perfect because he'd just emerged from a hearing where he hinted darkly that the gazillions of small-dollar donations were somehow illicit. Unlike, say, the PAC money the GOP has traditionally relied on to keep itself afloat.

"I don't know what's going on out there, but I can tell you there's a lot of money being raised in this campaign," he muttered. "I'd like to know where the hell some of it's coming from."

Well, Senator, your Wonkette can help with that! You can find information on every single one of those donors courtesy of the Federal Election Commission. Have at it! It might take a while, though, since the vast majority of those contributions are for less than $250.

The Trump campaign hasn't released its Q3 numbers yet. But Business Insider reports that they were digging under the sofa cushions for cash this summer when Brad Parscale finally got kicked to the curb. Apparently, the erstwhile manager believed that the campaign would start hoovering up cash after the debates because ... Americans would start to like Trump?

Before his demotion this summer as President Donald Trump's campaign manager, Brad Parscale had planned for a stunning amount of money to arrive during the 2020 homestretch that would have covered equally shocking spending but left the reelection effort dead broke by the start of October, three Republicans close to the president's campaign told Insider.

Parscale had been banking on campaign donations to miraculously double in October by about $200 million more than other recent months, one Republican close to the president said. The Republican said Trump's new campaign team, led by Bill Stepien, had to rush to cancel the spending approved by Parscale to salvage the president's bid for a second term.

Well, that seems not to have panned out. In August, when Biden raised $365 million, Trump raised just $210 million. But Brad Parscale's got a garage full of sports cars, so ... both sides, etc.

And to complete our morning gloat session, Mark Kelly just announced that he raised $38.7 million last quarter and has $19 million on hand. That's ONE MILLION DOLLARS A DAY, in Arizona. Martha McSally can start cleaning out her office, particularly since Kelly will be sworn in around November 30.

In summary and in conclusion, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And also, VOTE.

[Insider / Politico]

Follow Liz Dye on Twitter RIGHT HERE!

Please click here to support your Wonkette. And if you're ordering your quarantine goods on Amazon, this is the link to do it.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc