Twitter Gun Lady Shoots Up Innocent Wood Board For Wishing Her 'Happy Holidays'
Kaitlin Bennett, the former Kent State student famous for trying to be famous by posing all sexily with a gun down her pants all the time, has a special
Holiday Christmas message for all of us heathens out here, but most especially for one particularly secular large wooden board.
Technically, it was self-defense. Bennett had been minding her own business in an empty lot, all alone on Christmas, holding an assault rifle, when this wooden board had the audacity to wish her Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Mostly because she had made a large sign that said "Happy Holidays" and then taped it to said board, but still. Was she about to stand there and take that? Was she going to be disrespected like that, and by an inanimate object of all things? No, she was not.
"Where's Kaitlin?" someone in her family surely wondered as they gathered round for their Christmas feast. "Out back, shooting angrily at a wooden board what wronged her," someone else probably replied. "Again?" asked another.
"It's not Happy Holidays, it's Merry Christmas," Bennett explained to the camera, while wearing a couture ensemble fashioned out of couch cushions her grandmother tossed in the attic back in 1994. She then turned right around and she let that wooden board have it.
RIP, random wooden board in an empty lot. We hardly knew you.
It's a good thing she had that rifle with her, because who knows what that wooden board could have done to her otherwise. She might be dead now, for all we know, and then who would be there to dress up in dance recital outfits and give boners to gun fanciers on the internet every day?
Dana Loesch, probably, but can we truly be sure?
Following the massacre, Bennett turned back to the camera and told the rest of us to quit being such PC pansies and just let her bully us all into saying the thing she wants us to say instead of the thing we would like to say. Like real tough guys would do.
It is a slow news day for Christmas, so Trix is calling it, making this your OPEN THREAD.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse