Donate

Twitter Gun Lady Shoots Up Innocent Wood Board For Wishing Her 'Happy Holidays'

Guns

Kaitlin Bennett, the former Kent State student famous for trying to be famous by posing all sexily with a gun down her pants all the time, has a special Holiday Christmas message for all of us heathens out here, but most especially for one particularly secular large wooden board.

Technically, it was self-defense. Bennett had been minding her own business in an empty lot, all alone on Christmas, holding an assault rifle, when this wooden board had the audacity to wish her Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Mostly because she had made a large sign that said "Happy Holidays" and then taped it to said board, but still. Was she about to stand there and take that? Was she going to be disrespected like that, and by an inanimate object of all things? No, she was not.

"Where's Kaitlin?" someone in her family surely wondered as they gathered round for their Christmas feast. "Out back, shooting angrily at a wooden board what wronged her," someone else probably replied. "Again?" asked another.


"It's not Happy Holidays, it's Merry Christmas," Bennett explained to the camera, while wearing a couture ensemble fashioned out of couch cushions her grandmother tossed in the attic back in 1994. She then turned right around and she let that wooden board have it.

RIP, random wooden board in an empty lot. We hardly knew you.

It's a good thing she had that rifle with her, because who knows what that wooden board could have done to her otherwise. She might be dead now, for all we know, and then who would be there to dress up in dance recital outfits and give boners to gun fanciers on the internet every day?

Dana Loesch, probably, but can we truly be sure?

Following the massacre, Bennett turned back to the camera and told the rest of us to quit being such PC pansies and just let her bully us all into saying the thing she wants us to say instead of the thing we would like to say. Like real tough guys would do.

It is a slow news day for Christmas, so Trix is calling it, making this your OPEN THREAD.

[Kaitlin Bennett Twitter]

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

$
Donate with CC

Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

popular

Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc