Two Names That I Can Hardly Stand to Hear

Did you hear? It is my last day as your Wonkette editor! On Monday, I'll sit down at the same goddamn computer and log into the same goddamn screwy blogging engine to continue to write for the same goddamn English billionaire Tory, but it will be for a site called "" instead. So to celebrate, I'm just gonna tell two brief stories of nutty DC types who helped make this gig miserable, in a "funny" way. Join me in saluting Karen Feld and Tucker Carlson!

Do you remember who Karen Feld is? No? You're not alone! She was once a "gossip columnist," and she was known for carrying tiny dogs around and being a bit nutty. Now she has a website or something, because no print or internet publications actually want to hire her anymore. She got mad at me once for telling the story of the day she got into a party by claiming she was with the Post, which she decidedly isn't.

She sent me a weird email and then I proved that she was at the party in question and it was all forgotten until the day I called her a "dog-abusing dementia sufferer" or something and then she started talking about lawyers!

Nothing really came of it and we all had a laugh about it and then she sent me a Christmas card. (Maybe I'm inventing that last part? Who can remember!)

There are a couple Karen Feld stories I never got around to telling, though she's so far gone from the scene at this point that who cares? Suffice it to say, one involves the immortal line, "I can't sit next to him, he's in a wheelchair!"

Tucker Carlson though? They still allow him on TV apparently! Even though since leaving Crossfire his own television experiments have been nothing but abject ratings failures, even though he's smarmy and unlikable, even though he admitted to beating a gay dude senseless on the air, he will remain on MSNBC in some form or another until the end of days. And if I ever find out who the fuck gave him my phone number, I'll sign him or her up for John Kerry's press email list.

Tucker first contacted us to complain about a year-old Wonk'd sighting -- this should've been my warning!

The first call came the day we ran the story of Tucker Carlson getting a video store clerk fired. Tucker was concerned that we took the video clerk's side! Didn't I realize that this clerk was creepy and weird and not as important or famous at Tucker Carlson!? "I just wanted to rent a fucking Woody Allen movie," Tucker shouted (Tucker usually shouts). I agreed that a grave injustice had occurred, to shut him up, and that was the end of it until like a couple minutes later when I linked to a story from Washingtonian that showed a picture of his house. This, friends, was too far. He called again, and I patiently listened again, and he shouted some more, and then it was finally over and I did nothing and he felt much better about shouting at some blogger.

And everything was fine again for like a month until I posted a made-up Wonk'd sighting (look, I barely read them before I post -- I make sure the name is spelled right sometimes) claiming he pulled a Larry Craig (before Larry Craig had even pulled a Larry Craig!) at a McDonald's.

Two things Tucker hates are claims that he's less than 100% straight and insinuations that he's ever been to a McDonald's.

And while we've never made any bones about the fact that all Wonk'd sightings are the products of our oft-delusional (and oft-accurate, yes) readers, this incensed the diminutive pundit, and he promptly called me to demand I take it down. Like five times. And he shouted and threatened and cursed and I didn't really say much of anything, because I basically hate talking on the phone even to people I like. I did tell him I wouldn't take it down (and I didn't! mostly because he was being such a dick about it! catch more flies with honey, Tuck!). And he said, more than once, "I'll destroy you." No foolin! It was hard not to laugh. So I think I laughed. He also claimed, numerous times, that he "didn't give a shit" about me, which really didn't help explain why the hell he kept calling.

Another fun fact: he called me February 23 at 6:14 p.m.. While his show was on, live. "Maybe he wants to interview you about the top headline that was just on msnbc, 'is american idol voting fair'," a friend suggested.

He continued calling me, threatening to sue and to destroy me for a while, until I stopped answering and he eventually gave up and I wrote an insulting editor's note and then I never heard from him again. Eventually I drunkenly gave his number out to some friends! As far as I know, no one used it. And he hasn't fucking destroyed me yet!

Chris Matthews has never pulled this shit. All I'm saying.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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