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U.S. Attorney General: Bin Laden 'Not Assassinated,' Just Kind of Fell Down

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Osama loved Thin Mints.The BBC -- Queen Elizabeth's personal version of the Huffington Post -- has a hawt new video interview (after a Priceline commercial?) with U.S. attorney general Eric Holder regarding this whole "assassination of Bin Laden" thing. Eric Holder says it definitely was not an assassination because Osama bin Laden was not the U.S. president at the time of the killing. And only presidents can be assassinated, according to the Eighteenth Amendment. Also, according to Holder, those Navy SEALs/Special Forces would have totally accepted Bin Laden's surrender under a very secret set of circumstances. "If the possibility had existed, if there was the possibility of a feasible surrender, that would have occurred," Holder said. He later confirmed that the conditions of a "feasible surrender" were unknown to both the SEAL team, who were already confused enough being in some grim arid suburb rather than in the water, and to Bin Laden himself. (Haha that is a patriotic joke; the Navy SEALs are very used to grim arid suburbs, because they train in San Diego!)


It's a funny thing we do in this country -- and by "we" we mean "them" -- because we kill people all the time all over the world, hundreds of thousands of them, sometimes with robot planes and sometimes by letting our puppet government gruesomely execute somebody (Saddam Hussein, etc.), and sometimes we do shit like promise the Kurds we'll back their revolution in the last days of the First Gulf War and then we're all, "Haha, pysche." But no matter what we do, eventually some stuffed shirt like Eric Holder comes out to give a "legal explanation" for it.

Why not just say The Truth, for once? Something like this: "We spent TWO TRILLION DOLLARS on two awful wars and another half-dozen undeclared wars and thousands of dead U.S. troops and tens of thousands of maimed U.S. troops and the whole world hates us more than ever and we're still living off oil taken from the Middle East due to arrangements with corrupt leaders on our payroll, forever, and we will MOTHERFUCKING MURDER anybody who tries to encourage anyone to fuck us up, is that clear, world?""

Darth Vader never needed a danged "civil rights lawyer" to explain to the BBC why Alderaan got 'sploded. [BBC World Service]

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Fellow Wonkers, this last week of horror has been wearing on us all, because here we are in a world where the "president" of the United States has ordered that migrant children be taken away from their parents at the border, and is simultaneously proud of it (for his base) and cravenly blaming it on Democrats because even he knows it's morally reprehensible. But what the hell can we do about it, we are all keening, beyond calling our senators and representatives and posting sadness on Twitter, the latter of which is of dubious utility to anyone, and mostly depressing?

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There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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