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'U Up?': FEMA Gives Trump The Ability To Mass Text America

Trump

Next Thursday, you -- along with most of America -- will be getting a special text message from none other than Donald Trump. Will it read, simply, "U up?" Will it be yet another denial of the fact that 3,000 people in Puerto Rico have died as a result of Hurricane Maria? Will it be a picture of his penis? No. Not for now anyway. It will just be a test of FEMA's new emergency alert system.


So, you know the alerts you get on your phone is there's some kind of serious weather emergency, or an Amber alert or something? For some reason FEMA has decided to "test these alerts on a Presidential level." According to CNN, "FEMA is also tasked with ensuring that the President can alert the public under all conditions in cases of national emergencies, including natural disasters and terrorist threats."

According to a press release from FEMA:

The EAS is a national public warning system that provides the President with the communications capability to address the nation during a national emergency. The test is made available to EAS participants (i.e., radio and television broadcasters, cable systems, satellite radio and television providers, and wireline video providers) and is scheduled to last approximately one minute. The test message will be similar to regular monthly EAS test messages with which the public is familiar. The EAS message will include a reference to the WEA test.


It seems, frankly, that there are a lot of people out there who are more qualified to alert the public during a national emergency, and also to determine what a national emergency is. Judging by what he thinks is appropriate to say on Twitter, this could certainly get weird. And possibly racist. There's also no way to opt out of this -- if your carrier signs on, then you sign on.

This would be, I suppose, totally normal if we had a normal president with a normal idea of what constitutes a national emergency. As it stands, we do not! While Trump's texts to the nation will have to go some sort of vetting by FEMA, it is likely that this will turn into a whole THING where he whines that the "deep state" isn't letting him text all of America about his thoughts on the latest episode of "Fox and Friends."

[CNN]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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