'U Up?': FEMA Gives Trump The Ability To Mass Text America


Next Thursday, you -- along with most of America -- will be getting a special text message from none other than Donald Trump. Will it read, simply, "U up?" Will it be yet another denial of the fact that 3,000 people in Puerto Rico have died as a result of Hurricane Maria? Will it be a picture of his penis? No. Not for now anyway. It will just be a test of FEMA's new emergency alert system.

So, you know the alerts you get on your phone is there's some kind of serious weather emergency, or an Amber alert or something? For some reason FEMA has decided to "test these alerts on a Presidential level." According to CNN, "FEMA is also tasked with ensuring that the President can alert the public under all conditions in cases of national emergencies, including natural disasters and terrorist threats."

According to a press release from FEMA:

The EAS is a national public warning system that provides the President with the communications capability to address the nation during a national emergency. The test is made available to EAS participants (i.e., radio and television broadcasters, cable systems, satellite radio and television providers, and wireline video providers) and is scheduled to last approximately one minute. The test message will be similar to regular monthly EAS test messages with which the public is familiar. The EAS message will include a reference to the WEA test.

It seems, frankly, that there are a lot of people out there who are more qualified to alert the public during a national emergency, and also to determine what a national emergency is. Judging by what he thinks is appropriate to say on Twitter, this could certainly get weird. And possibly racist. There's also no way to opt out of this -- if your carrier signs on, then you sign on.

This would be, I suppose, totally normal if we had a normal president with a normal idea of what constitutes a national emergency. As it stands, we do not! While Trump's texts to the nation will have to go some sort of vetting by FEMA, it is likely that this will turn into a whole THING where he whines that the "deep state" isn't letting him text all of America about his thoughts on the latest episode of "Fox and Friends."


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Remember a few weeks ago when House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler sent a very nice and loving request to 81 people and entities associated with Donald Trump, including the White House, asking to please FUCKING GIVE IT a million documents, in order to aid Judiciary's investigation into Trump's millions of crimes? Well, the deadline was Monday, and some folks are helping! Others are not!

According to Nadler, they've already gotten "tens of thousands" of documents, and all signs point to more document requests coming, to approximately one million more people. There have been some surprises, too. Steve Bannon is helping a LOT, turning over thousands of pages (which is perhaps too much if you've ever seen that episode of "The West Wing," where CJ Cregg talks about being so crazy over-compliant with Congress that they just snow down investigators with everything, including take-out menus and junk mail). Trump Inauguration weirdo/longtime associate Tom Barrack is helping, and Hope Hicks is also too gonna be a good little helper. And so on!

And some are asking for "friendly subpoenas," like for instance attorney Keith Davidson, who used to rep Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, who's asking for that in order to "formalize the process," as Politico puts it. (Some people don't like being asked nicely.)

Still others are saying straight up NO, and some of them have better reasons than others. Roger Stone is pleading the Fifth on advice of counsel because, you know, he's in trouble with the law right now. Rick Gates says he can't really help, citing how he is still a cooperating witness who is very business hunting wabbits in multiple ongoing investigations. And Julian Assange said no, because (LOL) he is a journalist, you guys, and Congress shouldn't subpoena journalists about their sources. (Actually WikiLeaks is a cut-out for Russian intelligence. Which is kind of like "journalist," except not remotely.)

But the real story here is that the White House, in response to pretty much every document request it's gotten, is saying "FUCK OFF! WE ARE GOING TO DO THE WATERGATE THING! IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL, IN WATERGATE! FUCK IT, LET'S DO THE WATERGATE THING!"

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