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NAUGHTY


BREAKING NEWS, and it is that Robert Mueller is GUILTY AS A GUILTY BLACK LAB WHO EATS SANDWICHES OFF THE KITCHEN COUNTER.

Also, he did Benghazi and #PizzaGate in the bathtub with Hillary Clinton, which was right after he gave Wall Street Speeches about Whitewater, and did we mention he is the real stapler stealer in Office Space? True fact. Robert Mueller stepped on a crack and he broke his own mother's back, he took all the jobs real Americans are willing to do, he faked the Kennedy assassination during his even more fake moon landing, and then he turned transgender and peed next to YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS.

Also, over the course of his decades-long career as one of the most respected people in recent FBI history, he made a handful of mistakes. BURN HIM FOR A WITCH!

Politico has a piece on a new coordinated campaign against Mueller, or at least what seems like a coordinated campaign, now that Donald Trump has started openly attacking Mueller. (The president thinks when you are under criminal federal investigation in the greatest national security scandal in American history, you are supposed to "fight back." The president is a fucking moron.) It would seem the howler monkeys have received the signal from Trump, and they are doing their level best to compile a list of Mueller Naughties, a dossier if you will, so that when/if/when Trump tries to fire Mueller, a certain (very stupid low-IQ) percentage of the population will be like "THAT'S RIGHT, TRUMP CAUGHT ROBERT MUELLER DOIN' URANIUMS WITH HIS PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER, SEAN HANNITY TELLED ME THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT."

Like so:

... [T]he Drudge Report featured a story blaming Mueller, the special counsel leading the Justice Department’s Russia probe, for the FBI’s clumsy investigation into the 2001 anthrax attacks when Mueller ran the bureau. The independent pro-Trump journalist Sara Carter posted a story charging that Mueller, as a federal prosecutor in Boston in the mid-1980s, had covered up the FBI’s dealings with the Mafia informant Whitey Bulger. Carter was soon discussing her findings in prime time with Fox News host Sean Hannity.

Meanwhile, Trump supporters on Twitter circulated video of testimony Mueller gave to Congress ahead of the 2003 Iraq War in which he endorsed the view, later proved false, that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction.

Oh golly, what fun. In the aftermath of 9/11, when everybody was bugfuck crazy, the FBI's response to the anthrax attacks might not have been perfect. Truly it was Robert Mueller's Hurricane Maria. (GET IT?) And at one time, he believed the drummed up intelligence that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, a view once shared by ... Donald Trump!

As Politico notes, when Barack Obama wanted to extend Mueller's term as FBI director by two years, Mueller faced questions about the Whitey Bulger thing and also the anthrax thing. Apparently the Senate determined that a couple of mistakes, against the backdrop of decades of exemplary service, were not enough to stop them from voting UNANIMOUSLY to extend Mueller's term. (To be clear, that vote was taken by such lib-cuck Deep State lesbian America haters as Jeff Sessions, Chuck Grassley, and LITERALLY EVERY OTHER REPUBLICAN SENATOR SERVING THAT YEAR, because that is what "unanimous" means.)

Keep that in mind when you see talking coat racks barking about this shit on Fox News.

Speaking of! Trump-scented buttplug Sean Hannity is determined to get to the bottom of Robert Mueller's story, because he is pretending to be a journalist again:

“If it’s the last act I do on this Earth I’m getting to the bottom of this,” Hannity said. “I’m not going to stop. Unless I have a stroke on the air and can’t talk or function, I’m going to keep going.” [...]

“We’ve got to tell the story about Mueller,” she said. “We’re not hearing all the facts about Robert Mueller.”

Keep barebacking that chicken, Sean Hannity, some day you'll get an egg.

As Politico notes, this new strategy (which is kind of the same as the old strategy, which Hannity and pals deploy every single time the Mueller investigation is getting too close for comfort) of attacking Mueller for his many grievous personal sins seems to be driven by the White House. Trump started attacking Mueller by name recently, and after Jeff Sessions violated his recusal and fired Andrew McCabe, recently dearly departed Trump lawyer idiot John Dowd emailed reporters in purple comic sans (still not a joke) to say, "I SURE HOPE THEY'LL FIRE MUELLER NEXT," then immediately called back to say he was only saying his own thoughts 'n' prayers and not speaking for the president.

But like all appeals to the rapidly dwindling and dying-of-natural-causes-and/or-fireworks-accidents Trump base, this will fail. Though Politico cites a make-believe Drudge poll where 76% of idiots who read Drudge expressed support for firing Robert Mueller, the actual American public supports Mueller, supports the Russia investigation, and thinks Donald Trump needs to shut the fuck up and eat a Big Mac.

And that's gonna be how that is, no matter what vile bullshit Sean Hannity blows out his yucky stinky Hannity Hole each night on Fox News.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries, so we NEVER DIE.

[Politico]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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