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Please everyone say a prayer to the breaking news gods that there will be no more breaking news, because we'd like to write about a couple things that DON'T make us crazy, please.

For instance, there is a big old bunny-shaped crack in Mike Pence's gay-hatin' armor, and no, it is not because the gay Irish prime minister Leo Varadkar used a bunny-shaped pleasure toy on him when they met in private last week, why would you even think that? Mike Pence isn't gay, he hates the gays with every fiber of his being, and you know what they say about people who hate the gays with every fiber of their being and want to see them hung hanged, don't you? They say, "Oh boy, that is a heterosexual gentleman right there, I should ask him about STRAIGHT STUFF!"

No, this is the story of Mike Pence's wonderful funderful gay bunny rabbit, Marlon Bundo, who is in the news this week because he just came out of the closet as the GAYEST BUNNY IN ALL OF WASHINGTON DC! Of course, that was not the original plan. ORIGINALLY this week was supposed to be the release for the long-awaited children's book Marlon Bundo's Day in the Life of the Vice President, a book about the Pence family's bunny, Marlon Bundo, written by Charlotte Pence, who is one of the children of the holy union of Michael "Bubbles" Pence and his wife "Mother." (In fact, Mother did the illustrations of the originally heterosexual rabbit!)

Well doggone it, but that naughty British TV host John Oliver heard about the book, and he really really really can't stand how Michael "Bubbles" Pence is such a homophobic bigot from the bowels of hell, so he and his staff decided to write their own book about Mike Pence's bunny, to be released the same week! It is called Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Presents a Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo, and no offense, Charlotte Pence, but this book is WAY better. For one thing, the John Oliver book was written by the REAL MARLON BUNDO, who is a gay bunny, even though Mike Pence would probably kick a gay bunny in the face if he saw one. Look, Marlon Bundo is the first author listed on the Better Marlon Bundo Book's cover!

Here is Amazon's description:

Meet Marlon Bundo, a lonely bunny who lives with his Grampa, Mike Pence - the Vice President of the United States. But on this Very Special Day, Marlon's life is about to change forever ...

BECAUSE SPOILER, MARLON BUNDO MEETS A HOT DUDE BUNNY IN MIKE PENCE'S YARD AND DECIDES TO RUB BUNNY EARS WITH HIM IN THE GAY WAY FOREVER.

But for real, it is an ACTUAL children's book, about tolerance and love and light in the dark rotting carcass that is Trump's America. Buy it for children who like to read children's books!

John Oliver's book about Marlon Bundo The Gay Bunny is currently Number 3 on Amazon, and the book about Loser Sad Marlon Bundo written by the real Pence family is Number We Didn't Scroll Down That Far. As of last night, the good Gay Bunny book had already sold 180,000 copies!

Know what else? All the proceeds from the book go to the Trevor Project -- a suicide prevention group for LGBT youth -- and AIDS United. These are the sorts of gay-loving charities Mike Pence DECIDEDLY doesn't like, since back in his sordid gay-hatin' past, Pence really felt like money for HIV/AIDS prevention/treatment should go to joints that "provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior" AKA conversion therapy AKA Pray Away The Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! He probably still feels that way. And the choir said, "FUCK YOU, MIKE PENCE!"

But wait, did we not say there was a big bunny-shaped crack in Mike Pence's gay-hatin' armor! We did! And it is Charlotte Pence, author of the actual Pence family book, who is really being a good sport about all this. She appeared on the Fox Business network with her mother "Mother," and she said this:

I think imitation is the most sincere form of flattery in a way ... but in all seriousness, his book is contributing to charities that I think we can all get behind. So, I mean, we have two books that are giving to charities, that are about bunnies, so I’m all for it, really!

OMG MIKE PENCE! Your daughter thinks people should give money to pro-LGBT charities! Sorry, DUMB MIKE PENCE, but even your kids are all right! You and Mother must be so ashamed.

Here, have some joy (and an open thread!) while you watch John Oliver's segment introducing his book (which is hilarious) and also a couple interviews Oliver did about it, on the Ellen show and the Sexxxy Seth Meyers show:

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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