Unknown Whistleblower Tells Laura Ingraham About Nevada Daylight Vote Heist That Definitely Happened!

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Professional terrible person Laura Ingraham used the words “President-elect Joe Biden" last night, so for a moment it seemed like Ingraham had started to accept electoral reality. Then she invited onto her white power hour the Clark County, Nevada, poll worker who Trump campaign surrogate Matt Schlapp claimed had witnessed blatant, daylight voter fraud.

The “whistleblower," whose identity was hidden and her voice modified, told Ingraham that she was on a walk during her lunch break when she happened upon people passing around envelopes and ripping them open. They stood near a clearly identified “Biden/Harris" van. These criminal masterminds helpfully leaned against the van so passers-by could observe that they were fooling around with BALLOTS.

WHISTLEBLOWER: As I got closer, I thought, "Those are ballots." I walked by four or five times. On the next time I walked by, they were putting them in the envelopes. They were putting them in a white and pink envelope.

OK, it's obvious the major story here isn't that the “whistleblower" claims to have seen very stupid and obvious "voter fraud" but that she's invisible. She apparently got close enough to these people to identify the color of the envelopes they were stuffing with illegal (i.e. “Black") votes. This reminds me of how Catwoman on the 1960s “Batman" series once “hid" from Chief O'Hara by crouching next to a piano. That worked because Chief O'Hara was an idiot, but most licensed election fraud racketeers aren't idiots.


Even Ingraham thought this was odd, but the “whistleblower" explained that the voter thugs had their backs to her and were using the van as a hard surface to mark the ballots. This does seem like something they might have wanted to do inside the van, unless it was “rocking" and they didn't want to disturb anyone.

WHISTLEBLOWER: They're not looking at me walking. I'm walking by them and they just walk past them. I don't turn around. I kind of make a mental note of “that's odd."

“Odd" is a word we'd use to describe this account.

The “whistleblower" didn't bother using cell phone technology to document what she saw, but she has signed a sworn affidavit that should rightly prohibit her from operating heavy machinery. However, the Trump people have happily collected random voter fraud claims and UFO sightings, which they insist are real evidence.

"A sworn declaration from an eyewitness is the literal definition of evidence," a Trump campaign attorney said in a statement. "Those on the left and in other quarters that have been screaming that there's no evidence will need new talkers and most importantly, will have to now focus on the legitimate issues that have been raised."

These aren't “legitimate issues." These are uncorroborated declarations of criminal activity. The Republicans who are convinced there's widespread voter fraud are the same people who dismiss systemic racism within law enforcement, despite eyewitness accounts and cell phone videos and actual bodies.

Joe Biden defeated Donald Trump in Nevada by more than 35,000 votes. You'd probably need more than two people fixing ballots and possibly another van.

One Republican poll watcher in Michigan said he found it “suspicious" that members of the military would vote for Biden, whose son Beau served in Iraq. “I had always been told," he said, “that military personnel tended to be more conservative." If the data in front of him contradicted whatever stereotypes he held, then that could only mean FRAUD!

Biden had polled better among military personnel than Trump, perhaps because he's not an active national security threat and he hasn't called them “losers" and “suckers."

Here, let us summon (SATIRE, WE NOTE IN ALL CAPS AGAIN) Blaire Erskine for you:

As journalist Brad Heath noted, these people aren't observing “fraud," which would require high-level coordination across multiple states to effectively “steal" an election. They are noticing what they believe are “irregularities" or in the case of our Nevada “whistleblower," "incidents too implausible for anyone to seriously believe" ... unless they watch Fox News.

And too many Americans do.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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