Who would Jesus punch first?

When young male Republican campaign staffers get together, a few things are always present.

1. Lots of boys who came from Republican homes who were raised with the smug certainty that they are SO MUCH SMARTER AND MANLIER than those pussy liberals. None of their lily-white asses have ever been in a fight.

2. SO MANY GRINDR ACCOUNTS, surreptitiously open on their iPhones.

3. The impotent rage of so many three-inch penises, all competing to fall into an actual human girl-hole, or maybe a man-hole, without the recipient noticing.

4. Ashamed virgins.

And that is what we find in the case of Rand Paul's national political director, John Yob, who is crying to his mommy and anybody else who will listen, that Marco Rubio's deputy campaign manager Rich Beeson PUNCHED HIM SO HARD IN THE FACE at a bar in Michigan, FOR NO REASON. The event was apparently so traumatic to the wilted daisy John Yob that he filed assault charges. Ladies and boy-ladies, please watch this security video, but TRIGGER WARNING, you might end up giggling at your desk at these dumb pussies:

Listen to the whiny Yob tell his sympathetic Facebook friends about that time he got beated up for no reason:

"Last night I went to a bar on Mackinac Island for the GOP Mackinac Conference," Yob wrote in a Facebook post. "I ran into a guy named Rich Beeson, who frankly I didn't even know who it was at first because he isn't relevant in our political world. Anyway, he is Marco Rubio's national campaign manager. He literally physically assaulted me by punching me in the face. The state police are looking for him. I have it on video, from multiple angles. This will play out in the national media in the next few hours."

Yob says he wants Beeson fired RIGHT NOW, and also can somebody kiss it and make it better?

Now watch the video again.

Back ... and to the left. Back ... and to the left.


At the VERY WORST, dude shoved him. MAYBE he accidentally made contact with Yob's face, which we are sure is extremely sensitive, and MAYBE it messed up his hair. MAYBE the Rubio staffer broke a nail when he shoved the small-dick rival from the other campaign. MAYBE Yob followed Beeson into an alley afterward and they rage-fucked each other like no young Republican man virgins have ever rage-fucked each other before pulled each other's hair. (And again, we're talking about the losing Rubio campaign and the losing Paul campaign here. These boys should be commiserating with each other, crying about how they both signed up to work with losing candidates, and how the hot Republican chicks and man-chicks only want to fuck you if you work for Trump.)

So even though Yob said Beeson hurt him in his face and also his heart for no reason, yr Wonkette has known more than a few Republican men who act ALL INNOCENT when somebody finally knocks their pompous asses on the ground, but who, in reality, have been asking for it their whole lives. However, an anonymous source said these boys totally had "words" earlier that night, which gives Beeson credibility for his "MOM, HE STARTED IT!" argument.

Mackinac Island police chief Brett Riccinto obviously pities both of these whiny-ass titty babies:

“It wasn’t a brawl,” Mackinac Island police chief Brett Riccinto told the Guardian on Friday. “If anything, it was a shove. Literally, it was a shove. This thing has been blown way, way, way out of proportion.”

"Grow up, you withering pansies," he did not add. Anyway, you boys play nice, because you've both got faces only your mothers could refrain from punching. And always remember what you learned in self-defense class: Use your keys as a weapon, and don't ever be ashamed of calling your moms for help.

[The Guardian / Talking Points Memo / MLive]



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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