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June 16, 2008 01:41 PM
U.S. Economy Collapses, But There's Good News, Too!
Barack Obama is on an economics campaign tour this week, traveling to various sad places to let people know there's still hope, but not really. Today, for example,Obama visits Flint, Michigan -- the ruined auto-factory town that primarily serves as a backdrop for sad economic speeches, ever since Michael Moore destroyed the once-prosperous city to make a point. But not all the Economy News is gloomy! Read our fun list and find out why!
- Bad News: Things are so grim that kids couldn't even afford some crappy golf-related present for their dads yesterday. And kids who celebrate "Father's Day" are already an elite fraction of the general American population, because most children grow up without fathers.
- Good News: California's collapsed economy will soon get a multi-million-dollar boost from gay weddings -- and there will be at least two daddies in every gay-married household (unless they're lesbians).
- Bad News: McClatchy Co., publisher of the Miami Herald and 28 other papers and the McClatchy newswire, is cutting 1,400 jobs and slashing its budget by $100 million this year because the advertising market has collapsed and the whole newspaper industry is dead, anyway.
- Good News: Americans can't read, anyway ... because they're too stupid!
- Bad News: The price of crude oil hit yet another record today -- $139.89 a barrel -- and the stock indexes continue to tank as a grim new world of impossibly expensive gasoline an otherwise stagnant economy replaces the "peace and prosperity" we once enjoyed, in the 1990s.
- Good News: Researchers say they've developed an inexpensive system to convert the river of dumb bullshit and noxious gas gushing from Joe Lieberman's mouth into an endless supply of free energy!