You gonna get raped ... in space!Every 10 years or so, there's a "UFO flap" -- special nerd code for "people everywhere think they're seeing Alien Spaceships." And guess what? We're having one right now! From San Diego to, uh, some little town in Texas somewhere, Americans can hardly look up in the sky without seeing monstrous craft from beyond our world. But it's not a real UFO Scare until the U.S. Federal Government Military cranks out an impossibly lame excuse for a mass sighting, two weeks later.

A bunch of guys were just standing around outside in Stephensville, Texas, the evening of January 8 when they all saw something weird. It was also, reportedly, extremely big. One guy described it as "big as a Wal-Mart." Or, one mile across.

It was just flying overhead at about 3,500 feet in the air and going maybe THREE-THOUSAND MILES PER HOUR, according to the people. And a couple of fighter jets came screaming after it, but couldn't catch up due to not being able to fly 3,000 mph.

But this is really a story that Larry King needs to present, so go grab a beer and waste 10 minutes of your life watching these yokels talk to the bewildered old man:

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Bill O'Reilly also featured the UFO INVASION story on his popular syndicated show, Inside Edition. And that means both kinds of teevee-watching old people have now heard about the Texas spaceship. There could be a panic of some kind! People might even start dumping their stocks!

This is why the U.S. Air Force today released an "explanation" of the eerie mass sighting in Texas, two weeks after denying there were even military jets flying in or around Texas that fateful night.

Maj. Karl Lewis, a spokesman for the 301st Fighter Wing at the Naval Air Station Fort Worth Joint Reserve Base, said in a news release that an "error was made regarding the reported training activity of military aircraft" and that "10 F-16s from the 457th Fighter Squadron were performing training operations in the Brownwood Military Operating Area."

Lewis had previously said there were no F-16s or other aircraft from the base in the area the night many of the sightings were reported.

Don't you feel better now? The government was only telling lies, again. No need to worry about Space Monsters raping your children with the terrible Space Monster tentacles, and then eating your heart, and replacing it with a glowing poisonous robot worm-bot that will keep you alive until the Alien Fish Dogs get hungry, again.

Now that we know our "old world order" is coming to a close and the Venusian Hellspawn will now make us work in the uranium mines with John Travolta, it's time to remember how to laugh again. Here are some drunken college guys in San Diego with their New Year's Eve UFO:

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And here's something ... even more special. Try to watch it all the way without praying for imminent alien attack:

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Searching For UFOs [Star-Telegram]

Military says it had aircraft where UFOs were spotted [Star-Telegram]

Military now says planes flying in area of UFO reports [Houston Chronicle]

Military Offers Explanation For Stephenville UFO Reports [NBC 5 Dallas]

New Year's Eve Lights [San Diego Union Tribune]


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