Usual Dumbasses Declare Mail Bombs A Democrat Plot, Because Dumbasses
A whole bunch of Trump fans were positively giddy Monday at the news George Soros was targeted with a mail bomb (or at least with a bomb placed in his mailbox). But yesterday's news that package bombs were also sent to Barack Obama, the Clintons, Maxine Waters, CNN, and other liberal targets -- this morning that includes Robert DeNiro and possibly Joe Biden -- has left many conservatives astonished at this rash of political violence. Which is of course not really violence, but a fake Democratic plot to make Republicans look bad, duh. No rightwing kook has ever done violence ever, and if you say "Oklahoma City" you're lying because Tim McVeigh was a racist and don't you know the Democrats started the KKK?
The Daily Beast offers a round-up of some of the more prominent dipshits implying this was all just a little too convenient, like Rush Limbaugh, who explained there had to be a political purpose:
"It's happening in October," Limbaugh said. "There's a reason for this."
The man has a real gift for insight. Like the cop in Plan Nine From Outer Space who observes, "But one thing's sure. Inspector Clay is dead, murdered, and somebody's responsible."
Frank Gaffney, the genius who sees Muslim terrorists hidden in every page of Highlights for Children, knows that Democrats would definitely send actual explosives through the mail just to change the subject, just as they're all about to be arrested by the Civility Police:
"None of the leftists ostensibly targeted for pipe-bombs were actually at serious risk, since security details would be screening their mail," he tweeted. "So let's determine not only who is responsible for these bombs, but whether they were trying to deflect attention from the Left's mobs."
Honestly, why the big deal about sending explosives through the mail as long as people have security? We bet explosives get sent through the mail all the time, what's the fuss?
Ann Coulter knows who sends bombs, and it's always liberals, because HISTORY:
From the Haymarket riot to the Unibomber, bombs are a liberal tactic. https://t.co/P3YvUorxwL— Ann Coulter (@Ann Coulter)1540395500.0
Well, she's one for two, which is a much higher F than she usually gets!
Rightwing radio host John Cardillo had a creative explanation for the fake real bombs (if they really are even real, know what we mean?), because it's already obvious to him Republicans have won the election and Dems are just that desperate to try to energize voters. He tweeted, then deleted, this important analysis:
Just too coincidental that two weeks before Election Day, as the 'blue wave' has turned into a ripple, and the left is losing ground because of incivility and violent rhetoric, explosive devices show up in the mailboxes of Soros, Clinton, and Obama.
He later explained he'd been misunderstood:
People mistook my earlier tweets on the bombs, so I deleted.
Here's my point: We have no idea who sent the bombs. None. Investigators need to look at the left, right, center, and non-political.
However, strategically speaking, there is no political upside for the right here.
And there's no political upside for George Soros to fund a caravan of migrants two weeks before election day, so that might be a good argument against that, but it's not a good argument when you're talking about stochastic terrorism. No sane person would think bombing Democrats would be good for Republicans in the election, so we can almost certainly rule out someone on the Right as the perpetrator of this perfectly rational act. Still, Cardillo sees a definite pattern of behavior by the entire Left:
When you watch: - Scalise shot - GOP pols harassed - Holder say "kick 'em" - Obama say "throw them out" - Hillary… https://t.co/x1cor6JVxd— John Cardillo (@John Cardillo)1540395898.0
And yes, all those were literal calls for violence, but when Donald Trump talked about how he'd like to punch protesters in the face and see them taken out on stretchers like in the old days, he was merely being his exuberant self -- or, as the Dilbert guy called it, using his usual "slapstick humor."
Then there's Twitter Wingnut "Bill Mitchell," who is quite the big deal, and apparently knows exactly what's going on, because he's WAY smart!
Why, yes, he has some smart thoughts on motives, too!
How does he know Republicans are winning the early vote? They have to be, because he said so on his internet "TV show," duh. We'd suggest Bill Mitchell take his investigative leads to the FBI, but come on, they're probably the ones providing the bombs in the first place.
You know, all these folks saying that obviously no one on the right would have done this, because it just doesn't make sense, seem to have missed a fairly key point: Your average mad bomber is probably not really a terribly rational political actor to start with. Just gonna put that out there.
A whole LOT of wingnuts have concluded that since none of the bombs exploded, then obviously that's proof the Democrats sent them to themselves. That ... does not really constitute any kind of evidence? Here's Infowars "reporter" Millie Weaver:
The timing of these suspicious packages is all too convenient with midterms approaching. Also the fact that none o… https://t.co/Ed5nqwDDyI— Millie Weaver 🇺🇸 (@Millie Weaver 🇺🇸)1540403165.0
Mind you, before she decided it was all very, very suspicious, Weaver also explained Hillary Clinton only had herself to blame, for being so violent:
Today Hillary Clinton & the Democrats learned a lesson the hard way: It's never a good idea to encourage people to… https://t.co/GjSflTE3lL— Millie Weaver 🇺🇸 (@Millie Weaver 🇺🇸)1540393104.0
And here's Gateway Pundit's Lady With Flowers On Her Head:
Seems the "huge clue" line came from former Fox News reporter Adam Housley, who had indeed tweeted,
Federal agents say they are working on the theory that it's one group, or one person. Also...the fact that none of them detonated is more significant than people may realize. I am told that's a "huge clue".
Housley, who's doing some actual reporting, didn't speculate as to what it might be a huge clue of, but that's fine -- the crazies all just KNEW it was proof the devices were a false flag operation by Democrats, because isn't everything?
Oh look, here are some thoughts from Turning Point USA's Candace Owens! She deleted the tweet with no explanation.
Not surprisingly, we also heard from Gateway Pundit hanger-on Jacob Wohl, who picks up all the hot news in hipster coffee shops, and has exceptional hearing:
Well gosh, if the young Democrats were whispering THAT, there's really no need for the authorities to investigate. As you may recall, Mr. Wohl hears all sorts of amazing things whispered by Democrats in hipster coffee shops, like when he overheard libs whispering about how Donald Trump "is doing great for the economy, got them a raise at work and will definitely be re-elected in 2020," and that other time he heard some young women "clamering [sic] with excitement and joy over the confirmation" of Brett Kavanaugh. We have reason to be skeptical -- we think that was just canned clamering. Not to mention the time just a couple weeks back when he was in an "inner city coffee shop" and "couldn't help but notice the several groups of smart young black men who were remarking with amazement at the Trump-Kanye Meeting, incredibly inspired to vote for Trump in 2020."
One of these days Tom Friedman's cab driver is going to be spotted whispering to liberals at that hipster coffee shop, and a new universe will be born.
But the greatest investigator of them all was champion conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer, who had NO END of important detective work to offer a waiting world. Oh, just look at her sleuthing! We're just sorry we can't share all of it, because of laws against torturing innocent readers.
We really like THIS one:
We're not sure what the claim is here: The sender didn't do their homework, so obviously it's a hoax? By Democrats? Or perhaps she's suggesting that a rightwing bomber would have the intelligence to carefully fact-check their bomb, just like rightwing media carefully fact-check their reporting?
Also, LOOK LOOK LOOK! AN ISIS FLAG! Clearly that's proof Dems did it, because Democrats = ISIS.
Except, nahh, not an ISIS flag, something even more stupider: a parody of an ISIS flag with the phrase "Get 'Er Done" in fake ISIS-y script, the 2014 brainchild of a guy who runs an actual fake news site and also writes for Breitbart. (He made up the image, no, not the bomb.)
OMG IT IS A LITERAL FALSE FLAG, WHAT OTHER PROOF DO YOU NEED THAT BARACK OBAMA MADE THESE FAKE BOMBS? It's exactly the sort of dad joke that would appeal to him.
Also, sad news you guys: Laura Loomer can no longer be your friend if you are a Democrat:
Loomer may even have found the SMOKING DUMB: a Tweet by Hillary Clinton that is almost certainly a signal to the sleeper cells to begin their attacks!!!!
Oh, sure, you terrorist apologists may think that looks like a call for people to do Get Out The Vote things, but obviously it has a coded message, because Hillary is a killer who will definitely kill again. SURE MAKES YA THINK!
Egad -- politicians who have comms teams all came out with statements quickly! Proof they actually did it, because all the pieces just fit together, at least if you use enough glue. Oh, but not just any glue. Has to be the krazy kind.
In any case, now that it's been conclusively proven that the Democrats, funded by George Soros, sent explosive devices to themselves because that's just how violent they are, it's time for the National Republican Campaign Committee to get back to business and go ahead with the release of a campaign ad demonizing George Soros again.
Why would the NRCC want to hold back an ad about that scary Soros guy two days after a bomb was left at his house? We suppose they could, maybe, but hey, these violent bomb-mad Dems are so unhinged there's really nothing they won't stoop to.
In conclusion, Ben Goddamned Shapiro was (briefly) the rightwing voice of reason yesterday:
If your first reaction to some evil person sending bombs to a variety of politicians on one side of the aisle is "F… https://t.co/Bj3Kb3Kylg— Ben Shapiro (@Ben Shapiro)1540398954.0
And that's it, we're done, we're taking the rest of the week off. (Offer valid for Doktor Zoom only.)
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.