Ivanka Fires John Kelly, Who Will Be America's Next Top White House Babysitter?

All the best people ... are noping the hell out of the White House. So if you're between gigs, apply now for an exciting career in the Flaming Dumpster of Evil! Perks include hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal bills and possible termination via vicious tweet.

After months of machinations, Jared and Ivanka have finally managed to push out mean old Chief of Staff John Kelly, who thought he could keep the First Daughter from walking into the Oval Office any time day or night. NOBODY PUTS VANKY IN THE CORNER!

Kelly was supposed to announce his departure to staff on Monday, but President Impulse Control blurted it out on the White House lawn Saturday. Which is less horrible than calling him "dumb as a rock and lazy as hell," but the day is still young. At least Kelly didn't get stranded on the tarmac like his predecessor Reince Priebus.

Say it with us now: THERE IS ALWAYS A TWEET.

Vanky and JarJar even had Kelly's replacement picked out. Mike Pence's dreamy chief of staff Nick Ayers has been gunning for the job for months. And Politico reports that Trump offered the position to him last month, on election night.

President Donald Trump informally offered Ayers a job as his top aide during a private huddle at an election night party in the White House residence last month. Several White House staff and advisers were within earshot and overheard the conversation, which included First Lady Melania Trump, and its details were described to POLITICO by two people briefed on them.

But it wasn't meant to be. Ayers begged off by saying he needs to move his family back to Georgia by spring, so, much as he would like to, he won't be able to roll around that flaming bag of dogshit with y'all. Unwilling to accept an interim chief of staff, Trump was forced to kiss the golden boy goodbye. SAD.

Which leaves Trumpland scrambling to find someone, anyone to eat the shit sandwich. What used to be a prestige job is now a one-way ticket to reputational ruin. The White House is a den of vipers, Trump is an ungovernable id attached to a Twitter account, and Mueller is palpably closing in. All the likeliest candidates for the job seem to be washing their hair for the foreseeable future.

Which leaves Acting AG Meatball and House Freedom Caucus chair Mark Meadows as the only people ready to go down with the ship. Naturally Trump has responded to the crisis by blaming the press. That train is never late!

Ladies, if he:

  • is already moving his family back to Georgia
  • says he'll give you an answer after the Cohen/Manafort/Flynn sentencing memoranda come out
  • has already amassed tens of millions of dollars as a political consultant with a rolodex of all the major GOP donors
  • looks like a younger Mike Pence who doesn't need Mother to tell him not to lunch alone with ladies

He's not your man. He's a POLITICAL OPERATIVE who was here long before the Trump Trash washed up on the Potomac's shores, and will be here long after.

[Politico / Politico, again]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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