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Oh hello, did you see Wonkette's live coverage of the debate last night, and did you sense our enthusiasm for double-header debates where we have to watch CNN all the fucking time because of "democracy" or something like that? Well let us tell you we are even MORE enthusiastic tonight. It's time for Kamala and Joe and the others and the lesser others to debate, and just as Elizabeth Warren did last night to poor (rich) John Delaney, we are going to need Kamala Harris to bully the shit out of some lessers for no damn reason besides ending some losers' campaigns, because we are NOT DOING a double-header debate next time. ADORABLE DNC DEMOCRACY EXPERIMENT OVER.

OK, we are done ranting about the things that make us mad, we will liveblog now. As usual, CNN is a horrible network, so the questions will be shit and the livestream is only available elsewhere, so watch it on TV or hey fuck it, don't watch it and just read our jokes.

Let's go!

7:40: As we type this DNC chair Tom Perez just literally tried to start an "Old McConnell had a farm" riff during his pre-debate speech and we regret to inform you we have succumbed to sweet death over how stupid that was.

Don't worry we got better.

7:59: Oh my God the CNN pre-show people are so stupid. "Tulsi Gabbard is one to watch! She's so anti-war!" NO SHE'S NOT, IDIOTS, READ A BOOK.

We have invented a new motto for the CNN pre-show people, and it is "Betcha Don't Think Chris Cillizza Is That Stupid Anymore, At Least Compared To These Idiots!" It is a good motto.

Anyway, the opening ceremonies have started, and if last night is any indication, we'll get opening statements in about 45 minutes once CNN is done jerking itself off.

8:02: LATE BREAKING, we have just been handed a copy of Tulsi Gabbard's opening statement. Again, this is Tulsi Gabbard's opening statement.*

"I'm Bashar al Assad and I approve this message. No homo!"

Wow, Tulsi, weird opening statement.

*It is not her opening statement.

8:05: You guys, Andrew Yang got to go out before like five other people. That is how stupid this primary is right now. Because he is polling about in the middle of this group. Uh huh.

In other news:

He is probably so scared right now.

8:08: Uh huh, he is scared. Because this is what he said.

Feel free to put "Be nice to Joe Biden" in the suggestion box, Joe, but nah.

8:13: OK, this shit is finally starting. The moderators were real dorks last night about time limits, so assume they will suck this evening.

Opening statements!

DE BLASIO: I should drop out. Nobody in New York even likes me. I say I am the mayor of it but they all make fun of me on the subway. What's this all about? My ego. Will I be in the next debate? Unlikely. But I'm gonna shit on Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, because literally in my brain I am thinking that things are going to turn around for me. Yap yap yap. The end.

8:15: BENNET: A church sign made me sad. I am pretty good at being "Senate" though. I ought to stay in "Senate." But Colorado is a blue state so maybe I can say Trump sucks and become Secretary Of Ski Resorts of something. Therefore I will debate!

INSLEE: Hello, my name is Jay Inslee. That's J-A-Y I-N-S-L-E-E. Climate change climate change climate change. I would probably be really good at running the EPA, so KAMALA AND LIZ WARREN, IF YOU'RE LISTENING.

8:17: GILLIBRAND: In a fair world, I would be doing better in this race. But life is not fair. Here is a list of times I was nice to gays.

GABBARD: 9/11 9/11 9/11, I love America, hold on BRB Bashar al Assad just texted me like "brunch?" and I was like "of course" but I didn't use any emojis because I am a very serious candidate in this race.

8:20: CASTRO: Really, we have nothing mean to say about Julian Castro. He would be a great HUD secretary, WAIT A MINUTE HE DID THAT ALREADY. Anyway, last debate Castro kicked Beto's ass on immigration stuff, so hopefully he'll kick somebody's ass tonight.

YANG: giVe yOu tHoSand dOOlars. (No seriously, he's doing it again.)

He did just say a zinger about how he is the opposite of Trump because he is an "Asian man who likes math." That was funny.

BOOKER: Gonna rile up the crowd and piss everybody off by reminding them what Trump said about Baltimore. But UH OH, there are protesters! They are yelling!

8:24: The Wonkette chatcave says the protesters were saying "Biden is a tomato." Is the Wonkette chatcave correct or RONG? Vote in the comments!

HARRIS: This is an inflection point in our history. That is my line, I always say "inflection point." It is a good line, as lines go. Anyway, I am a damn fighter, I fight for justice, I am the best one to "prosecute" the case against Trump, because that is also one of my lines. Also in a few minutes I am going to TKO Joe Biden probably.

BIDEN: You all are only here to watch Kamala beat the shitfire out of me, don't lie.

Ends with a line about how we LOVE America, we are not gonna LEAVE it, and we CERTAIN-DAMN-LY aren't gonna leave it to you. It was a good line!

8:27: Questions! Kamala Harris, you released a new healthcare plan this week. Joe Biden says it sucks. What you say about that?

HARRIS: They probably haven't read it. Notes that she created her plan by talking to people and hearing their concerns and yadda yadda yadda.

BIDEN: Haw haw, Kamala has had a hundred healthcare plans, she's probably writing one right now. Her plan doesn't even take effect for 10 years. She's a double talker.

HARRIS: Unfortunately you are wrong about everything you just said. People can sign up for my plan on the first day, Joe Biden's healthcare plan sucks ass, and maybe he should stop lying about what is in my plan.

BIDEN: Kamala's plan will cost one million trillion Ameros per hour.

HARRIS: We spend more than that under our current shithole system!

DANA BASH: We should get Bill De Blasio in on this, because he matters.

8:32: Biden responds to whatever the fuck De Blasio said by saying "Obamacare is working," which is actually factcheck not true for millions of Americans, because of what Republicans have done to it.

Dana Bash asks Kirsten Gillibrand if it's OK for Kamala Harris to call her plan "Medicare For All," when there are private parts of it (just like regular Medicare).

Gillibrand does not exactly answer the question, but definitely talks shit about how awful health insurance companies are, and also how Republicans are the only ones actually trying to take away people's heatlhcare, so STFU.

Harris notes that the architect of Obamacare (Kathleen Sebelius) says HER plan is the best way to get America where it needs to go, and she notes that because Joe Biden was over there OBAMACARE OBAMACARE OBAMACARE!

Biden responds by flapping his gums some more.

8:36: Booker points out that it's DUMB for Democrats to be bickering and pitting progressives against moderates and all that is so very stupid, because NONE OF US IS THE ENEMY HERE.

Tulsi Gabbard jumps in to say we don't have a heatlhcare system, we have a "sick care" system. (For a sec, we thought she was about to go down the Marianne Williamson road less traveled by and start talking about crystals and how you should give AIDS a big hug, but she didn't.) Then Gabbard says Kathleen Sebelius "wrote" Kamala's healthcare plan, which is crap because Sebelius works for Medicare Advantage, and stands to profit. Kamala responds by asking if she said Kathleen Sebelius wrote her plan, because she's 100 percent certain she didn't say that.

In the time it has taken us to type, Michael Bennet and Julian Castro have also said things, but you missed nothing.

8:41: MODERATOR: Hey Kamala, Michael Bennet said you are going to BAN employer-provided healthcare. Why you gonna do that?

HARRIS: Zero fucking chance my plan does that. I talk about separating healthcare from employment, so people aren't stuck in jobs they hate just to keep their healthcare.

BENNET: You lie! But I say that in a friendly way!

HARRIS: Why are all the people up here spouting Republican talking points?

Seriously, we are pretty sure approximately 100 percent of the country needs to actually study how the fuck Medicare works before they express a position on "Medicare For All" ever again. We are veering dangerously close to the liberal version of "Keep your government out of my Medicare!" tea party talk here.

That's not Kamala Harris saying that. It's Wonkette.

8:45: Andrew Yang, what are you going to do to healthcare?

YANG: giVe yOu tHoSand dOOlars.

8:47: CNN just split-screened it so Michael Bennet and Bill De Blasio can fight, so that is your cue to go make a drink or poop or sit on the patio with your neighbor and drink beer for the next three hours and skip the rest of this if you want to.

8:48: BIDEN: Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare Obamacare.

I am the year 2008, and I approve this message. Also, MALARKEY!

8:49: Biden just accused Kamala Harris of doing CALIFORNIA MATH that won't get her healthcare plan paid for. And now she is mad at him and will beat the shitfire out of him with an abacus.

And with that, the healthcare discussion is over, and we have learned nothing. Let's talk immigration!

DON LEMON: I am going to ask Julian Castro about the immigration thing about decriminalizing border crossings, the thing he got into a fight with Beto O'Rourke about at the last debate. Why? Because CNN forgot to write questions for its debate :(

But don't worry, I'm going to use Republican talking points to ask it! OPEN BORDERS OPEN BORDERS OPEN BORDERS!

CASTRO: Jesus Christ.

MICHAEL BENNET: Words.

HARRIS: I agree with Castro that we should definitely decriminalize border crossings, because that is exactly the law Trump is using to abuse people and fill his concentration camps. But y'all listen, I am going to tell you about what I did after the last debate, when I visited one of those immigration detention centers in Homestead, Florida, and I am going to be very passionate and angry about what I saw, and I seriously do not fucking care if Don Lemon is speaking over me saying "Senator Harris, your time is up, shut up Senator Harris, stop it, Senator Harris." STFU, Don Lemon, you dumbass CNN anchor.

(Golly, Wonkette's disdain for CNN keeps slipping through in very subtle ways in our liveblog!)

BENNET: Words.

GILLIBRAND: Better words.

BIDEN: Words.

PROTESTERS: LOUD WORDS!

8:58: Castro just looked at Biden and said, "one of us has learned the lessons of the past and the other one hasn't." The subject is still immigration policy, both the legal kind and the illegal kind. He is basically saying Biden is a chickenshit. Biden responds by saying Castro doesn't make sense, and that there's no reason to change the laws on border crossings just because Donald Trump is abusing those laws.

(That's horseshit. Sometimes it takes somebody really misusing and shitting all over a law to show us how and why that law needs to be improved or changed. Point: Castro)

Gabbard hops in to talk about the only border she cares about, which is the sovereign border of Syria, where WE ARE JUST KIDDING, TULSI GABBARD DID NOT JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO HER BFF BASHAR AL ASSAD.

9:01: Candidate speaking Spanish to pander threat level alert just went up a notch, because of how hard Cory Booker just worked to pronounce "Juarez" as Spanish-ly as possible.

9:03: Cory Booker and Jay Inslee want Democrats to stop fighting like idiots about immigration particulars because THERE IS A WHITE NATIONALIST IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

Meanwhile, Joe Biden will defend Obama's deportation record, because literally the only thing Biden is running on is Obama's record. This, even though Bill De Blasio is yelling at him and asking him if he tried to get Obama to stop deporting people so much all the time.

MOVING ON!

Tulsi Gabbard, should college be free like Bernie Sanders says?

GABBARD: No.

DE BLASIO: Biden still did not answer my questions about Obummer Deportsalot.

BIDEN: Not gonna either!

BOOKER: LOL, this guy says "Obama" whenever it's convenient and dodges the question whenever it's not. (LAUGHS FROM AUDIENCE.)

BIDEN: I am surprised that I am not losing this debate to Kamala Harris right now, but rather to literally everyone else.

9:13: Criminal justice!

MODERATOR: Joe Biden, Cory Booker says your criminal justice reform plan is absolute bullshit. You and him fight.

BIDEN: Our plans are almost the exact same. Also CORY'S plan is bullshit.

BOOKER: You know who writes bad crime bills? Joe Biden writes bad crime bills.

BIDEN: President Cory Booker, you are wrong! (Srsly, he just accidentally called Cory Booker the "president." Republicans are preparing their "Joe Biden is senile" attack ads right now.)

BOOKER: Thank you Vice President Biden for calling me President of America!

BIDEN: Interrupting cow MOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BOOKER: You don't interrupt the president! Also quite frankly I am surprised you actually want to defend your "crime bill record" right now. "You are dipping into the Kool-Aid and you don't even know the flavor!"

HARRIS: kAmAlA iS A CoP! (Just kidding, they have not called on her, we are actually surprised.)

9:18: Cory Booker wants Joe Biden to come to Newark to see how fucked up the results of the Biden crime bills are. Jay Inslee wants everybody to come to Washington to see how he fixed criminal justice and got rid of the death penalty. Apparently we are all going on one million road trips now.

Oh also, Julian Castro just took a shit on Bill De Blasio asking why the fuck the cop who killed Eric Garner is still on the street. Bill De Blasio does not have much of a good answer.

9:21: LOL Joe Biden just defended his crime bill record by saying Obama vetted him, which must mean he's perfect. Christ, Joe, do better.

Andrew Yang notes that literally anybody on that stage would do better on criminal justice reform than the white supremacist fucker in the White House.

FOLLOW UP on why the cop who killed Eric Garner is still on the beat. Kirsten Gillibrand, was De Blasio's answer good enough? Gillibrand says FUCK NO.

And FINALLY, they get to Kamala Harris. Maybe something interesting can happen now, one hour and 23 minutes in?

9:23: MODERATOR: Kamala Harris, do the busing fight with Joe Biden again.

HARRIS: Uh, yeah, no. Joe Biden still won't admit that he was wrong on busing and palling around with segregationists, despite how if those guys all got their way, Obama would have never made him vice president, and I couldn't be a senator.

We will find you a video, but she also addressed the Eric Garner situation, and the moderator tried to stop her and she pointed at the moderator and said "This is important!" and continued to speak for however fucking long she wanted to.

Biden responds by saying kAmAlA iS A cOp!

Harris says half her job as attorney general of California was fixing the results of the fucked up crime laws Joe Biden has his name on.

9:31: Oh now Tulsi wants to come at Kamala Harris, says Harris put everybody in jail for marijuana, even though Harris has laughed about her own pot smoking. Also cites some other things that probably came out of David Sirota's butt and accuses Harris of doing the death penalty to everyone, or something. (Harris has always been personally opposed to the death penalty.) That's all cool, and Kamala Harris should definitely be called upon to explain things in her criminal justice record, but yeesh, imagine having to justify yourself to Tulsi Gabbard.

9:32:

Mood right now:

9:33: WHY ARE YOU THE BEST CANDIDATE TO HEAL THE RACIAL DIVIDE?

Jay Inslee says he has never been a gay or a black person, so he has a special responsibility to be the best straight white dude he possibly can be. Also says senators suck.

Andrew Yang takes a lot of time to get there, but he finally gets to gIvE yOu ThoSand DoLlLars.

9:35: We have a surprise for you. Tulsi Gabbard? The candidate who is beloved of Steve Bannon and the alt-right? Well it would APPEAR that the smear she just launched at Kamala Harris, about Harris supposedly packing prisons with marijuana offenders, seems to come entirely from far right wingnut sources, and to have originated at the far right wingnut source the "Washington Free Beacon."

Aren't you surprised by the surprise we just gave you? We are surprised to be giving you that surprise!

9:39: Let's talk about climate change!

INSLEE: I am the king of fixing climate change. Joe Biden's plan is "MIDDLING."

BIDEN: Do you know who my father is? His name is Paris Climate Accord, and when I am president, I will rejoin him!

YANG: We need to fix climate change, but we also need to make people move to higher ground, and you know what will help them buy land on higher ground?

tHoSanD dOllLlars.

9:42: BIDEN: We will "work out" fossil fuels and fracking under President Biden

INSLEE: We don't have fucking time to work it out!

HARRIS: Inslee is right. Biden is wrong-ish. Donald Trump thinks wind turbines cause cancer. Literally everybody up here would be better than Donald Trump. Green New Deal. Paris Accords. Carbon-neutral by 2030.

GILLIBRAND: My first plan to fix climate change is to Clorox the Oval Office. (HA HA SHE SAID A LOL LINE.)

9:44: Tulsi Gabbard, you hate the Green New Deal. Sup with that?

GABBARD: I am from Hawaii, therefore I don't need to cosponsor the Green New Deal, because by definition I am the Green New Deal.

BOOKER: Jay Inslee is the best at this in the entire world. I love Jay Inslee. Also people stop clapping for people who say they are going to rejoin the Paris Accords, that is "kindergarten" shit. Of COURSE every damn one of us is going to do that. God.

9:47: MODERATOR: Bill De Blasio, all the kids in NYC are full of lead. How can the people of Flint and everywhere else trust you?

DE BLASIO: They don't have as much lead in them as they used to.

9:49: JAKE TAPPER: Joe Biden, last night Elizabeth Warren said boring centrist milquetoast policies are Teh Suck and are not going to win Michigan back from Trump. Tell us why being boring like you is actually better than being cool.

BIDEN: obamabamamaboamaummerobmamaobmamaObamaOBAMAOBAMABAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA.

Obama.

GILLIBRAND: I will beat Trump in Michigan and also other places with "bus tour." I have been on "bus tour" before.

9:53: Say something cool, Cory Booker, about why we lost Michigan.

"FUCKING EVERYBODY, FROM REPUBLICANS TO RUSSIANS, WAS DOING EVERYTHING IT COULD TO SUPPRESS THE BLACK VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP. THAT IS WHY WE LOST MICHIGAN. JESUS CHRIST, YOU FUCKERS."

He said something cool.

9:59: Economic questions! Because they're going to overshoot their time again tonight!

First question goes to Castro, but we will take this moment while you are all here to say we love that you are here, and remind you that Wonkette runs ENTIRELY on donations and subscriptions from you, and you will never come to Wonkette and find out that you have three free articles left this month, and we will never fill your brain with ads or anything like that. Meanwhile, we pay actual salaries to our writers, and also health insurance!

Please hit up the donation tanks below, by clicking them with your credit card in your hand.

10:02: Would Tulsi keep Trump's tariffs on China? No, because he did them stupid, but she likes fair trade. Would Biden rejoin the TPP, which Trump pulled out of? He would renegotiate it.

10:04: Bill De Blasio wants to ask all the people on the stage if they support Trump's NAFTA 2.0, because apparently Bill De Blasio is Jake Tapper now. He mostly directs the question to Biden, because BIDEN VOTED FOR NAFTA. Biden says ... meh, he said a thing, there was a mildly jolly moment and mostly didn't really answer the question.

Next question goes to Michael Bennet and it is a SNOOOOOOOOZE and Bennet's answer is ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

10:08: Andrew Yang, women make 80 cents on the dollar. Kamala Harris wants to fine companies that refuse to close the gap. Whatchu think?

YANG: 80 cents on the dollar is only 800 dollars. I will give women thOsaNd dOlLlars, just like I will give to men.

(You guys think we are just inserting that joke because Yang is stupid and we are bored and making it up as we go along. You guys are incorrect. Dude has ONE POLICY.)

Kamala Harris responds by saying she thiiiiiiinks Yang was saying he agreed with her, but how could she possibly tell.

10:10: Kirsten Gillibrand dug up some old op-eds Joe Biden wrote where he said some REAL retrograde shit about women in the workforce degrading families and stuff. Répondez S'il Vous Plaît!

Biden responds by not responding. Gillibrand responds by telling him to fucking respond please. Joe Biden says he was a single dad. Also he wrote the Violence Against Women Act and was "deeply involved" in the Lilly Ledbetter act. He notes that Kirsten Gillibrand worked with him on a lot of those things. He doesn't know what happened between then and now, except for maybe Gillibrand is running for president now, so we guess he is saying SHE LYIN'.

UH OH, HERE GOES KAMALA HARRIS, GONNA SMACK JOE IN THE ASS FOR SUPPORTING THE HYDE AMENDMENT FOR SO LONG. (He changed his mind like eight minutes ago on this.)

10:15: Biden's response is that everybody in Senate votes for Hyde Amendment, it is just a thing. Harris asks why it took him until now, and the conversation kind of ... dies.

Can SOMEBODY do something cool in this debate, or do we just make Elizabeth Warren president now?

Let's talk about Foreign Policy! We talk about it for 30 seconds per debate, because what is "foreign" anyway?

10:17: Cory Booker will bring 'em home from Afghanistan. This is very personal for Tulsi Gabbard, because she is a veteran, and she is very anti-war (no she isn't).

Andrew Yang, let's talk about Iran! He is giving something resembling a real answer, but Wonkette would like to note something very important that Andrew Yang might not know about Iran:

In other words, gIvE yOu 42,105,000 iRanIan rIaL mYaBe?

10:19: INSLEE: Joe Biden was bad to vote for the Iraq war.

BIDEN: Yes, he was.

In the year 2578, assuming America still exists, Democratic candidates will be asked why their ancestors voted for that war. It is just always going to be a thing.

GABBARD: They lied us into war, duh no shit. Who in this room does not know that at this point? Donald Trump loves al Qaeda.

DE BLASIO: I want to talk about Iran!

DON LEMON: OK, that is enough foreign policy, let's talk about Robert Mueller!

10:22: DON LEMON: Kamala Harris, you say your Justice Department is going to have to prosecute Trump and his criminal administration. Why is it OK for you to prosecute your political enemies and not for Trump? I am Don Lemon, and I wrote this question myself.

HARRIS: Oh holy fuck, I did not say I would DIRECT my Justice Department to do that, I said they'd have no choice. Jesus fuck!

BOOKER: I agree, Jesus fuck! The Mueller Report is full of CRIIIIIIIIMES. Also, time to IN-PEACH!

CASTRO: There are 10 obstruction of justice crimes in the Mueller Report! None of us is saying the president should DIRECT the attorney general to prosecute people. But if the attorney general follows the facts, they're gonna end up prosecuting Donald Trump.

DE BLASIO: I don't wanna talk about impeachment.

10:27: Ha ha, Julian Castro just called Mitch McConnell "Moscow Mitch" live on TV. Moscow Mitch HATES that. In fact, he hates it so much you should go tweet it to him, so he can tell you how much he hates it.

10:32: Christ almighty thank God, this boring debate is almost over and it is time for closing statements.

DE BLASIO: Let's stand for things! Unions! Universal healthcare! Tax the hell out of the wealthy! Donald Trump will call us socialists, but fuck him, he is the REAL socialist! FOR RICH PEOPLE! Haw haw, Donald Trump is the rich people socialist.

BENNET:

Giphy

President achieved!

10:35: INSLEE: Not gonna be a country if we don't fix climate change, y'all, I am just saying. I am the only person who says this on this whole stage.

WONKETTE: Remember to tip your bartenders! And by "bartenders" we mean "Wonkette."

GILLIBRAND: Trump is a ginormous pig racist, and I want to NOT be a president like that. I will go to all the places to win this election, and I will get there by doing "bus tour."

10:38: GABBARD: Trump and everybody else is a warmonger. I am anti-ALL THE WARS. (I am not.) If there was a nuclear attack, you would get a text message like we did in Hawai'i. I am against nuclear attacks. I am Tulsi Gabbard, and I forgot to give out my website like all the other people did just now.

CASTRO: I would like to thank Don Lemon and Jake Tapper and Dana Bash for their shitty-ass questions. I remembered to say my website unlike a common Tulsi. ADIOS TO DONALD TRUMP!

YANG: Know what I got in my pocket right now? No, not the tie I am not wearing. It is ...

Giphy

We are still not kidding.

BOOKER: I am literally the only person on this debate stage who was any fun tonight, and Joe Biden called me Mr. President, so that is obviously true.

10:44: HARRIS: kAmAlA iS A CoP. And you know what? In my job, I took on trans-national criminal organizations and for-profit colleges and sexual predators and guess what, I will beat the shit out of the predator in the White House, who has a long RAP SHEET. He puts babies in cages, he fucks American families with his trade policies, and is just generally terrible. I will fix all these things at 3:00 AM.

BIDEN: Dunno, but here is the YIKES op-ed Kirsten Gillibrand was talking about earlier:

Biden ends by saying that if you want to support him, then go to 30330 on the internet, which is factcheck not a website, Joe.

And with that, Elizabeth Warren has now won two debates in two nights, even though she was probably just drinking beer and playing with her dog Bailey the whole night.

Good night, everyone.

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