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This actually didn't even happen in Portland


There is a vegan restaurant in Memphis called Imagine Vegan Cafe. We have never been there because LOL vegan food. Next time we get a hankering to eat sand, we guess! Anyway, this restaurant is not far from our house, and from what we know from our local vegan pals, it's well-regarded. Or should we say, it WAS well-regarded, but then #ButtholeGate happened.

Y'all. Y'ALL.

A regular diner had a bad experience, so she left a review, like people do. It wasn't a mean review, really! She didn't cuss them, and she didn't say she was never ever fucking visiting again. She just wanted to let the owners know she found it kind of icky when she was eating her monkey grass salad with dirt dressing, and the OWNER'S TODDLER CHILD WAS RUNNING AROUND THE RESTAURANT ALL NEKKID WITH DIRTY FEET AND SHOWING ITS BUTTHOLE TO WHOMEVER WANTED TO SEE IT. She also didn't like it when the owner's other kid yodeled at her repeatedly while she was eating. Otherwise, it was great! Really good imitation food! Would eat again! Just, like, next time, hold the toddler butthole and the yodeling and everything will be great, OK?

Now, a normal restaurateur who knows how to run a business would see this, apologize profusely, and promise it will never happen again. Maybe a gift certificate would be in the offing! That is not what happened.

The owners instead responded by lashing out at the reviewer in two (recently deleted!) posts, because obviously that person hates children, because if you don't want to eat lunch or dinner while Mommy's Little Bundle Of Health Code Violations runs amok, that means you HATE KIDS and HATE HER KIDS SPECIFICALLY:

As you can imagine, there were ONE MILLION comments and the thing was going viral, with everybody tagging all their friends and loved ones and pastors and their fluffers saying "OMG YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS." They were #NeverForgetting about the thing they named #ButtholeGate! A few people were like, "Blow off the haters!" But other people were asking, "But if you don't want to have TODDLER BUTTHOLE IN YOUR FACE when you are eating, does that really make you a hater? REALLY?"

As we said, this has all been deleted (like in the last five minutes -- aren't you glad yr local Wonkette was on the case?):

The commenters' rebuttals could be summed up as, "No actually the menu does not say DINING ROOM FULL OF TODDLER BUTTHOLES, but nice try though!"

That's right, fuck ALL Y'ALL SELFISH MOTHERFUCKERS who think restaurants should have quaint things like "standards." Imagine Vegan Cafe is about SAVING ANIMALS and LETTING KIDS RUN AROUND WITH DIRTY FEET AND SHOWIN' EVERYBODY THEIR BUTTHOLE. Sure, it's a "business" in the sense that it takes money and makes a profit and has to pay taxes and has to be inspected by the health department on a regular basis, but that is just FASCIST CAPITALISM GONE WILD. Why do you hate animals and toddler buttholes and insistent yodeling?

Besides, their kids were being totally normal, even if they were taking local diners to Butthole McYodelTown against their will:

HOLY GOD, the kid is POTTY TRAINING? As opposed to potty train-ED? So there's a risk that, as you're sitting there eating your imitation hot wings (made entirely of couscous and sadness!), the naked kid might have an oopsie-poopsie? Like literally? On your table?

After the first thread went viral, the restaurant started a new thread to apologize for being such dicks who probably only act like that because their stomachs are crying out for a fucking steak explain why they were right and the person who left the mean review is a liar who sucks:

Then they deleted that one too.

If you're ever in Memphis and find yourself passing Imagine Vegan Cafe, you may judge for yourself whether it is to your liking. Or you can take it from a local, make a right at the light, make another right at the next light, and on your right you will see a glorious place called Central BBQ, where the food is made of food and the only exposed butts are on the hogs they're smokin' up right nice for you out back.

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[Imagine Vegan Cafe on Facebook]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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