'Veggie Tales' Creator Ain't Gonna Put No Godless Gay Green Beans On His Christian Vegetable Show

Culture Wars
'Veggie Tales' Creator Ain't Gonna Put No Godless Gay Green Beans On His Christian Vegetable Show

WHEW, for all you Christian heterosexual mommies and daddies out there, you need to just breathe a sigh of relief and say a "thank you" prayer to your lucky Ted Nugent Jesus painting, because Phil Vischer, the co-creator of "Veggie Tales," has confirmed in an interview with the Christian Post that the official Vegetables of Christ will not be doing gay butt stuff like all the other kiddie TV shows are also not doing.

However, he warns that the Jesus shows for kids are gonna have to start telling kids gays are gross at some point, because all the godless kiddie shows are saying gays are awesome. You know, like that program from the devil's workshop "Arthur":

Vischer, who today hosts "The Holy Post" podcast and "The Mr. Phil Show" on RightNowMedia, said when the PBS children's show "Arthur" featured a same-sex wedding, there was a "shot heard through the Christian parenting world."

"The most striking thing about that episode of Arthur wasn't that they thought it was time to introduce kids to gay marriage; it was the reaction of all the kids on the show," he said. "None of them asked questions about why two men were getting married. Their reaction was, 'Oh, OK! Great!'"

"It's such a strong message of, well kids, of course you're fine with gay marriage, because there's nothing to question about it," Vischer continued. "That's a little more concerning."

It would have been OK if there was at least one little cartoon bigot, we guess, who was upset about the gay cartoon rat gay marrying the gay cartoon aardvark. And maybe the cartoon bigot could have done something Christian, like encourage his teacher to go to an "ex-gay" indoctrination camp and come out suicidal, like Christian bigots do to gays in real life. Maybe the cartoon bigot could have started a petition to get Mr. Ratburn fired from his job. At the very least the cartoon bigot could have paraded around waving a "God Hates Fags" sign.

But the "Arthur" creators just don't care, do they?

So, like Vischer said, the world of Traditional Christian Cucumbers is going to eventually have to deal with the Big Fabulous Gay Kumquat in its garden. (Hahahahahaha, we said "kumquat.") But not yet:

"I think it will have to be addressed at some point; I do think it's a matter of time," he said. "But right now, I think it would be difficult for a couple of reasons. First: the nuance of how to treat LGBT issues isn't agreed upon within the Church; and secondly, some parents may want to have that talk with their kids. It's tricky because it's so divisive. It would be hard to do it in a way that works and matches everyone's expectations." [...]

"It would be easy to do it poorly," he insisted. "It's still so controversial; I'm not sure what I would add that would be helpful enough in the conversation that it's worth the number of people I could offend."

What he's saying is that there are actually a lot of Christians who don't particularly mind that Mr. Ratburn and his gay aardvark lover joined together in cartoon nuptials. This makes it difficult for the man in charge of breathing life into the Presbyterian Peppers and the Baptist Broccoflowers to figure out how to communicate their bigotry without turning folks off.

At least we think he is saying that? Or maybe he does want to have gay vegetables bump sprouts and he's worried that will make the American Family Association mad? Nah, it is not that, we just wanted to type "bump sprouts."

"If I get pressure from Hollywood to show two men getting married because we've all decided it's right and correct, my pushback is: 'No, I won't. Because that's not what I believe is best for kids,'" he said. "It's more about what we show as normal rather than explicitly showing something and saying, 'that's wrong.' I'm portraying the positive rather than the negative."

Hate it when "Hollywood" tries to cram gay gourds down traditional Christian vegetables' throats. That is a thing that is always bound to happen.

In summary and in conclusion, we made it through this whole post without making any dildo jokes about Larry the Cucumber, but not without warning the "Veggie Tales" creators that if they ever decide to do a sex ed episode, they probably should not demonstrate how to put a condom on using Larry's body, because he would SUFFOCATE AND DIE.

The end. And OPEN THREAD!

[Christian Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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