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Verdict: WaPo Pundit Contestants All Massively Better Than Richard Cohen

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We've read theseten columns from the Washington Post-Newsweek Interactive Kaplan Test Prep Daily's Actual Sex Contest, and not a single one pissed us off as much as an average column by George Will, Richard Cohen, Charles Krauthammer, David Ignatius, Bill Kristol, Fred Hiatt, Jackson Diehl, Ruth Marcus, Michael Gerson, David Broder, etc. But maybe we just don't know them yet?


Burton Richter:

Background: Oh he just won a little thing called the NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS once, like Barack Obama. Teaches at Stanford; advocates for gay things like energy and environmental reform. Enjoys being white and old.

Column: It's a great column, so why didn't the Post just straight-up run it on the op-ed page immediately after receiving it? It's about how Congress should restore a non-partisan office to assess technology and science, so all this information doesn't come from third parties trying to push their agendas on legislators. Obviously Congress will never do this, and Burton Richter is a communist, but a good single column to be sure! Does Burton Richter have anything else to write, though, or was this one issue just his "thing"?

Courtney Martin

Background: A writer and teacher in Brooklyn! She will be the "starvation" columnist. Oh nevermind, she has a book deal, about how people who are young act differently than people who are old.

Column: People who are young act differently than people who are old! It's a decent column about how men used to just work and women used to work while taking care of their families, and now everyone wants to work while everyone is taking care of their families. Her dad is so depressed you guys! "That's good news for everybody, even my dear old dad who has at least a decade or two left to figure out who, not what, he wants to be when he grows up." WE LOVE YOU, COURTNEY MARTIN'S DAD. Courtney Martin could get really annoying, however, if she keeps writing about her "guy friends."

Darryl Jackson

Background: Former WR for Seattle Seahawks. Former Bush administration lawyer.

Column: Stop blaming the Seattle Seahawks. Stop blaming the Bush administration. Fuck Darryl Jackson.

Jeremy Haber

Background: Masshole Alert! "I’m a JD/MBA student at Harvard and former researcher at the Kennedy School of Government. From coaching little league to working in Rwanda, I have engaged in service-oriented activities for nearly a decade." Now I plan to sell out.

Column: Contrarianism! Census redistricting will RUIN DEMOCRATS FOREVER, when... liberals from the Northeast move to McCain-won conservative states like Florida and Nevada? Also, Mexicans are helping the GOP win. This wasn't a Slate pundit contest, silly Jeremy Haber.

Kevin Huffman

Background: Teach for America executive who -- in the reverse of every other TFA employee -- chose to go to law school for a few years and then join TFA.

Column: Ha ha we love this dude. He's funny and doesn't take himself too seriously and most importantly of all, makes fun of David Broder within his column! "'The Dean' -- what's cooler than that?" he writes, knowing that David Broder would take him seriously without realizing he was being put in the same class as Scooter Libby.

Lydia Khalil

Background: She is the President of the Middle East for the Council on Foreign Relations. Impress us, Lydia!

Column: IRONICAL: Some Arab Americans watch Fox News! No statistics, but there is one single anecdote of one Arab American person I know who watches Fox News! Arab Americans love Fox News because Glenn Beck tells them that Barack Obama is obviously the Ayatollah or Saddam Hussein or whatever tyrant they escaped (The American Army?) when they fled to America. So Fox News is an effective propagandist with certain people! Thank you Lydia Khalil.

Maame Gyamfi

Background: An actual person raised in the Washington area! "I have worked as an actress, teacher and lawyer." She's also dabbled in ironwork, flying stealth bombers, and running Fortune 500 companies.

Column: "We" watch and gossip about meaningless, fleeting items in the news as a form of escapism! Thank you Maame Gyamfi.

Mara Gay

Background: Young serf at Atlantic Media. Perhaps she is the "real" Andrew Sullivan?

Column: Aww, she paid for a fancy college degree and so did all of her friends and now they are all underemployed during a severe recession/depression. Where is the Obama Change? Is this justice? Went to college and jobs are limited now? AND WHAT ABOUT THE WAR: "In Afghanistan, the vast majority of Americans on the ground are under 30." Investigate this!

Mark Esper

Background: Mark Esper lives in a secret ancient mountain valley in the middle of bumfuck where only eight humans have ever been and where Pangaean goblins once buried their treasures. It is unclear how he transmitted his words to the outside world.

Column: The last news story we "heard about" in our secret hell was the 1918 Spanish flu, because it killed most of us. Now we are "hearing about" the swine flu, again, because it is starting to kill most of us. Can someone please make this *not* happen? (We love Mark Esper.)

Zeba Khan

Background: "I am a social media consultant for nonprofits."

Column: Here is some social media advice for nonprofits: put women in charge of social networking grassroots fundraising awareness organizational things. Women saved Tupperware, after all! Women can hold Tupperware parties as an organizational method to support health care reform? Hmm. We think she is one of those people who pretends that Internet social networking strategies matter as much as, say, having lots of money with which to win elections.

***

So, whatever.

America's Next Great Pundit Contest [WP]

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