Very Cool 'MAGA Life Coach' Says MASKS Are For DORKS, And He Is NOT DORK, OK?

Y'all might have heard that there is a whole thing among chickenshit weenus MAGA guys that they don't want to wear masks, because they think it makes them look unmanly. These are the same people who think Donald Trump is very butch and strong. Yes, this Donald Trump, the one who looks like this:

It's the same type that gets an "ARTOFWAR" vanity plate and puts it on their 4-cylinder Mustang and parks it on the sidewalk. It's that bizarre Ben Garrison type.

It's the type that feels the need to tell you it's manly and NOT A DORK, instead of just trusting that you can see that for yourself.

Well! Meet Brenden Dilley, who according to the internet is a MAGA life coach. He even wrote a book, called Still Breathin', to teach you how also to be cool.

Dilley has a message about mask-wearing, and what is cool, and what is dork, and you should listen to him, because he is one of the popular kids. How popular? Um, well, when he ran in the Republican primary to represent Arizona's 8th Congressional District in 2018, a whole 823 people voted for him, AKA he came in 11th place. That's pretty cool, and we bet only some of his votes were pity votes from family members.

Doesn't Brenden Dilley (above) look like a very cool and popular guy? Here, let him tell you about why masks are for dorks:

DILLEY: Be afraid! Wear your fuckin' mask! DURR HURR! Where's your mask, sir! Better to be safe than sorry! BETTER TO BE DEAD THAN A FUCKIN' DORK!

What? Yes, I mean that literally. I'd rather die than look like a fuckin' idiot like you do right now, you weakling.

What if he's not actually facing a binary choice here? Bless his heart.

DILLEY: You don't need the mask. If you have a mask, take it off. There's somethin' you can do with the mask, OK? It's something The Rock would have told you to do.

You take the mask, you remove said mask, you take your mask, you TURN THAT SON OF A BITCH SIDEWAYS, AND YOU SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR MASK!


DILLEY: Fucking ridiculous, the numbers aren't there, it's not real, it's bullshit, you're just a big pussy who wears a mask, wearing those fuckin' maxi-pads across your face, like a fuckin' CUCK.

Uh oh, he used the "C" word that very cool conservative dudes who definitely have had consensual sex use, but which means nothing to anybody outside their (ADMITTEDLY VERY COOL) bubble. And he says The Rock would totally tell you what to do with your mask, you just take it, and then you turn it sideways, and then you put it in your bottom! (Remember to turn mask sideways.)

You will not be surprised to learn this not the first time Brenden Dilley, MAGA life coach, has suggested putting things in your bottom. He said in 2019 that if somebody comes to your house for Thanksgiving and says something mean about Donald Trump, you should put a DRUMSTICK IN THEIR BOTTOM! Right there in the front yard!

In this video, he says you should ask your guests if they can behave at your house by not saying anything mean about the orange-faced senile shithole president he worships, or whether you want to get "BUTTFUCKED BY A TURKEY LEG."

Truly, this guy is not a dork, and we should take our mask advice from him.

In case you are not completely reassured of how cool he is, besides how often he tells you, here is Dilley in 2019 challenging Pennsylvania state Rep. Brian Sims to the Suck-A-Dick Challenge, to prove that he is gay. Brenden Dilley does not believe Brian Sims is gay (he's gay), and if Brian Sims won't get right up in Brenden Dilley's face and suck a dick — and he probably better get that dick right up in Brenden Dilley's face so he knows it's a real dick! — then Brenden Dilley will know Brian Sims isn't a real gay (he is gay).

This is Brian Sims, who is definitely NOT GAY (he's gay), in a pic we stole from his Instagram:

And here is Brian Sims wearing a mask, so we guess this mean's he's neither gay NOR cool:

And here's a picture of Brian playing football in college, because as we all know, only DORKS play football in college:

And here's some more gratuitous thirst trap shit from Brian's Instagram, we don't know:

And here, once again, is Brenden Dilley, an actual cool guy.

'Kay, good blog post, everyone! Wear a mask, unless you want to be like that guy!


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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