Vogue Wants You To Show Your Compassion With $1000 Diamond-Encrusted Safety Pins, Sure Why Not
It was coming. We all knew it was coming, and now here it is. Vogue has published an article titled "10 Ways to Wear Safety Pins Post-Election and Show Your Support." And because this is Vogue, not Sassy, this is not an article detailing ways of wearing actual safety pins, like the kind you might find in your sewing kit or in the bin where I keep whatever clothes I still have from the late '90s. Oh no. Those kinds of safety pins are for peons. This article is for people who will only accept the fanciest and sparkliest of safety pins.
It’s also a quiet, personal way to support your fellow Americans, especially if you’re tired of cruel Facebook posts or scrolling through upsetting memes on Instagram. You can easily fasten any safety pin to your favorite T-shirt or jacket, but there are also dozens of ready-made, sequin-embellished pieces on the market right now, from punk-ish jewelry to pinned-together dresses.
Yes, what people whose lives are in danger really need right now is your "quiet, personal" support, in the form of a very expensive safety pin with some sequins glued on it.
One of the things Vogue recommends is this Marc Jacobs jacket with Mickey Mouse on it that costs $695, and the matching skirt, which costs $495. You know, because there is a safety pin on it somewhere.
Be Like This White Guy Telling This Other White Guy To Stop Yelling 'Trump' At The Black Starbucks Barista
Be the human safety pin you want to see in the world.
BUT ALSO. How helpful is someone in a $1200 outfit (with Mickey Mouse on it no less) going to be in an emergency? "OH, I'd love to help you, but godforbid I mess up this hideous outfit that costs more than a normal person's rent!" Frankly, the only thing I would go to someone in that outfit for help with would be about where to find quaaludes, because I would have to imagine that someone with that much money, who is that stuck in the 1980s, would know.
And what says "HEY PEOPLE, I'M HERE TO HELP" like a $1,995 dress that harkens back to an era we're all trying not to repeat?
And what about this $1795 Alexander McQueen mini "Heroine" bag!
I guess it could come in handy if you were to bash some bigot in the head with it, but that could scuff it up quite a bit!
And, naturally, there are some classic, plain, diamond-encrusted safety pin earrings if you'd like a more subdued look. They cost $1,095!
Perfect for every day wear! Nothing says "Oh, I sure do care about human rights" like diamonds that were probably mined by child slaves! In fact, you should probably wear these earrings while eating Driscoll's strawberries dipped in Nestlé chocolate.
Now! Call me crazy here, but I am going to have to say that a far more helpful move from anyone who can afford $1000 diamond-encrusted safety pin earrings would be if they just walked up to any immigrant or person of color or LGBTQ person and just straight up handed them that money. Like, "Here is a thousand dollars! It won't make up for the fact that you are totally screwed now, but go get yourself something to dull the pain, or pay your rent. Also, here are some quaaludes so you can self-medicate when you lose your insurance." Donating it would be good too! There are lots of nice places you could donate that money to, like Planned Parenthood now that it will lose its funding, or the ACLU, or literally any other charity on earth.
You could even use it to start advocating for a maximum wage, in the event that this article has turned your stomach so severely that you are now a full-fledged commie like me, and don't even want to live in a world where people are going around buying $1000 diamond encrusted safety pin earrings and denim Mickey Mouse jackets to show what wonderful, caring people they are.
Or you could give it to Wonkette so that they can pay me to write even more thingies about how Vogue is gross. Yes. Do that one.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse